I thought it was about time for another update on how we are doing. Cindy has been in heaven now for 5 months. (My calendar reflects that Oct 29th is her Trip to Heaven Anniversary rather than Death Anniversary. For me, that is a better reminder of how she finally was freed of cancer.)
Amanda is growing so fast. She just went through another growth spurt and she is now 4' tall. She is solid and quickly getting too big to put on my shoulders or to lift up. I just signed her up for summer softball in Carbondale. You will be able to spot her - she will be the best player on the field in pink. Games start in April. She is excited because I am taking her and my mom to the Michael W. Smith/Steven Curtis Chapman concert on April 30th in Paducah. The guy I met in Franklin, TN, who knows MWS might come to the Paducah concert and if he does promised to take us back to meet Michael. Amanda is very excited about that possibility. (Almost as much as her dad.) She will also be the flower girl at my brother's wedding in Wichita on April 18th.
Luke is putting up to three words together. "Daddy move back." "Lukie do it." "St. Louis Big Arch." Those are just some of the phrases he can actually say. Oh, and he can count to four. He turns 2 next week and is all boy. He likes dump trucks, backhoes, fire engines, diggers, mounds of dirt or rocks, and sirens. He is the pickiest eater I have ever seen... since me! Luke is not traveling to the wedding. It's just too hard on everyone.
Joe is frustrated at work like never before. Our computer program has been down since about 9am on Monday. Apparently, there's a wire... somewhere... which is not labeled.... which needs to be switched to another place..... and that might fix the problem.... but they don't know. In the mean time, I can't enter notes, send appointment letters, change client's info, prepare violation reports, check to see if someone is my client or not, or much of anything useful. I am so glad we are going "paperless"!
As far as emotionally/mentally I think we are doing great. There's still not a day go by that I don't cry at some point about missing Cindy. The cries are of shorter duration and seem to come around in the evenings more than mornings. I still have a hard time hauling my behind to bed at a decent hour. I think that is part genetic and part mental. I have always been a night owl and Day Joe doesn't seem to mind being a little tired to make room for Night Joe staying up. Amanda is still very good about this whole new life that we have started.
I have never been really angry with God over Cindy's dying. Sad, aimless, lost, confused, tired, and stretched, but not "angry." Does not being angry make me a strong Christian? No. Does that make it sound like I am callous? I hope not - cause I am not. I think I have been able to accept what happens in life and move on due to all the "crap" I have had to deal with in my first 38 years of life. See my profile if you would like to see why I say "crap". (And there has been more to deal with than what I posted in my profile.)
Keep praying for us as we continue to adjust and move forward. Thanks.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
You Might Be Outta Shape If...
you pull a muscle... bowling! Yep, you read it correctly. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point in the middle of the first game I realized that my right leg (I am left handed) was not wanting to do that little slide step at the end of the approach right before you release the bowling ball. I also noticed that if I tried to force myself to do it... um... something... in my butt region yelled out, "Are you frickin’ kiddin’ me?" I then said to myself, "Are you frickin’ kidding me?"
I ended up bowling a 113. That’s about 35 pins below what I normally bowl, you know, when my butt is in top shape. Don't worry, it's feeling all better now. We did have fun joking whether or not I needed to tape it up - or get a cortisone shot - or... well, that's all I will share in a G-rated blog!
I think there’s a certain skill level involved, though, to pull a butt muscle bowling. Hey, at least I wasn’t wearing one of those cheesy bowling shirts with an ad on the back like that team next to me! Oh, wait, that was my boss' team.... They looked soooo cool - if it were 1957.
I ended up bowling a 113. That’s about 35 pins below what I normally bowl, you know, when my butt is in top shape. Don't worry, it's feeling all better now. We did have fun joking whether or not I needed to tape it up - or get a cortisone shot - or... well, that's all I will share in a G-rated blog!
I think there’s a certain skill level involved, though, to pull a butt muscle bowling. Hey, at least I wasn’t wearing one of those cheesy bowling shirts with an ad on the back like that team next to me! Oh, wait, that was my boss' team.... They looked soooo cool - if it were 1957.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
FORE x2!!!!!!
So one golf lesson is in the books.
Lance, the instructor, asked what my history with golf was and I told him the truth- 2 times to the driving range in my life. He said I was holding out on how much I had actually played. He said my swing was much better than a true beginner. I bet he says that to everyone.
Anyway, I did fairly well and actually hit a couple balls. And they were almost straight.
Nobody likes to hear about someone else's golf game, so I will spare you the further details - unless you wanna hear them!
I will tell you this - I am soooo sore. I am not as young as I think I am and these weekend warrior outings are really hard to take. And on top of the golf swing soreness, I will have bowling soreness after Saturday.
And to add insult to injury my arms are not nearly long enough for my eyesight anymore. I used to make fun of "old" people who had to do arm-stretch reading. But not anymore! Getting old is really ticking me off!
Lance, the instructor, asked what my history with golf was and I told him the truth- 2 times to the driving range in my life. He said I was holding out on how much I had actually played. He said my swing was much better than a true beginner. I bet he says that to everyone.
Anyway, I did fairly well and actually hit a couple balls. And they were almost straight.
Nobody likes to hear about someone else's golf game, so I will spare you the further details - unless you wanna hear them!
I will tell you this - I am soooo sore. I am not as young as I think I am and these weekend warrior outings are really hard to take. And on top of the golf swing soreness, I will have bowling soreness after Saturday.
And to add insult to injury my arms are not nearly long enough for my eyesight anymore. I used to make fun of "old" people who had to do arm-stretch reading. But not anymore! Getting old is really ticking me off!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
FORE!!!!!!
Tomorrow... Thursday.... March 26th, 2009.... I am no longer "Joe". From that day forward, I will be "Joe - the golfer".
I know, it's really no big deal. A lot of people golf. A lot of people chase a little white ball around a big green pasture with trees and sand and call it golf. I am now a "golfer".
I don't know if I will be any good. I can hold my own on most miniature golf courses.... but I hear that real golf is a little different. Give me a giant windmill to navigate and I am good. How much harder can real golf be???
Anyway, I have some clubs, six lessons coming, a bag, some shorts, a little rusty athletic ability, and the motivation to be good enough to not embarrass myself by August.
You might want to stay clear of the giant swinging pencil, though. And if anyone asks - I am doing it for the "excercise"!
I know, it's really no big deal. A lot of people golf. A lot of people chase a little white ball around a big green pasture with trees and sand and call it golf. I am now a "golfer".
I don't know if I will be any good. I can hold my own on most miniature golf courses.... but I hear that real golf is a little different. Give me a giant windmill to navigate and I am good. How much harder can real golf be???
Anyway, I have some clubs, six lessons coming, a bag, some shorts, a little rusty athletic ability, and the motivation to be good enough to not embarrass myself by August.
You might want to stay clear of the giant swinging pencil, though. And if anyone asks - I am doing it for the "excercise"!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
If My Hypothesis Is Correct...
Awhile back - I don't know if it was on this blog or in the mass emails I used to send out to update everyone about Cindy - I talked about how the phrase "God will not give you more than you can handle" could be interpreted a different way.
Basically, I had hypothesized that I would rise to the occasion or someone would step up to help when I was at the point where I could not handle things myself. If God wanted me to get through something, (and he does want us to succeed) He would supply the means to get through it. It would either be something that I could actually handle myself, or someone would step into the picture to address the need at the moment I needed help.
Let me tell you something. My hypothesis is correct. Wholly, correct. Now I don't want to brag - cause my actual contributions are quite small - but it is amazing what a 38 yr old guy can do when he has to. Let me correct something. My hypothesis never mentions that it would be "easy". Far from it. I would not even classify what I am going through as controllable or pleasant. And I like control of things I am involved in. Raising two kids with two parents is not easy either- it goes with the territory.
Now back to that hypothesis. I have seen that my abilities as a (now single) dad have increased. I still have trouble with the whole idea of preparing things in advance - like valentines... or school snacks... or picture orders... or clothes for the next day. After all... I am still a guy and we just don't think that way. Luckily I hit the jackpot when it came to in-laws. They have saved my butt more than a few time. I have quite a few other people who have stepped up to take the kids off my hands when time alone is needed or a lunch/dinner invite when I don't even ask. Anyway, I am making it though - the kids are making it though - we are making it though.
Only by the Grace of God!
BTW... done with the St. Patty's green. It's SPRING!
Basically, I had hypothesized that I would rise to the occasion or someone would step up to help when I was at the point where I could not handle things myself. If God wanted me to get through something, (and he does want us to succeed) He would supply the means to get through it. It would either be something that I could actually handle myself, or someone would step into the picture to address the need at the moment I needed help.
Let me tell you something. My hypothesis is correct. Wholly, correct. Now I don't want to brag - cause my actual contributions are quite small - but it is amazing what a 38 yr old guy can do when he has to. Let me correct something. My hypothesis never mentions that it would be "easy". Far from it. I would not even classify what I am going through as controllable or pleasant. And I like control of things I am involved in. Raising two kids with two parents is not easy either- it goes with the territory.
Now back to that hypothesis. I have seen that my abilities as a (now single) dad have increased. I still have trouble with the whole idea of preparing things in advance - like valentines... or school snacks... or picture orders... or clothes for the next day. After all... I am still a guy and we just don't think that way. Luckily I hit the jackpot when it came to in-laws. They have saved my butt more than a few time. I have quite a few other people who have stepped up to take the kids off my hands when time alone is needed or a lunch/dinner invite when I don't even ask. Anyway, I am making it though - the kids are making it though - we are making it though.
Only by the Grace of God!
BTW... done with the St. Patty's green. It's SPRING!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Stories of Mom Beginning Now
One of the reasons I started this blog was to help me. Writing stuff out seems to help with my thoughts and moods. Another reason was to hopefully allow those who read this blog to get an insight into the psyche of a younger (?) man who loses a wife and how he copes with raising kids, keeping a job and getting on with his life. And if there's someone else going through this same situation, maybe they too can find some help through my words.
I realized there's someone else I am leaving out of the loop. My kids. I want them to know who Cindy was... not just through the stories I can tell and the pictures we have taken, but also through the words I can write.
So... I have started writing Stories of Mom for the kids. Because of that, my blogging will be slowed a little. Don't think I have forgotten about you voyeurs/stalkers who read this blog. I will still be posting on here, but I really want to write this other thing for the kids.
Hope you understand and I will keep these blogs coming. After all, this blog is where I do my heavy mental lifting and bulldoze the cobwebs of my mental thesaurus.
I realized there's someone else I am leaving out of the loop. My kids. I want them to know who Cindy was... not just through the stories I can tell and the pictures we have taken, but also through the words I can write.
So... I have started writing Stories of Mom for the kids. Because of that, my blogging will be slowed a little. Don't think I have forgotten about you voyeurs/stalkers who read this blog. I will still be posting on here, but I really want to write this other thing for the kids.
Hope you understand and I will keep these blogs coming. After all, this blog is where I do my heavy mental lifting and bulldoze the cobwebs of my mental thesaurus.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Multiple Shots to the Heart
When do you stop beating yourself up? Do you stop before or after you are bruised? That’s just one of many things going through my mind lately. For those of you who know me, that will come as a surprise. "Joe has thoughts? Wow! Who knew!"
The last couple of days have been a real struggle despite my recent optimistic look on things. The kids (I love them more than I ever thought humanly possible) have been...challenging. Mander is really testing boundaries and then when pressed, apologizes "to never, ever do it again." Luker is cutting (what I hope) are his last several baby teeth and is grouchy, stubborn, and full of fits. He is also addicted to the "truck" video. Amanda picked out two DVDs as Valentines for Luke - one all about construction equipment and the other about fire trucks. The challenge with those DVDs is just how many times I can stand watching those same videos prior to my brain oozing out of my ears. Thankfully, there’s no purple dinosaur or singing kids anywhere in the DVD.
I know that dealing with kids comes with the territory of being a parent. When that kid contract was signed at the hospital to take my kids home, I knew what I was signing and what it entailed. However, I remember seeing two lines on that contract, and I signed it second! (If there only were a contract!)
I am not looking for sympathy. That is NOT what this blog is about. I am just writing. I know I have written on this topic before. But guess what? I am still beating myself up about how I am doing as a parent. I love being a dad. I have said that before. I just wonder - am I doing this right? Am I too hard on Amanda? Probably. Am I too easy on Luke? Probably. Is Amanda strong because she doesn’t want to upset me? After all, she is the one who wipes my tears away when she see them falling down my cheek. When you have someone to bounce problems off of your decisions are easier to regulate and just plain easier to make. Everyone knows daughters can wrap dads around any of their ten little fingers and still have nine fingers left for more wrapping. I have a hard time being stern with Amanda. She seems so fragile and I don’t want to "scar" her any further. Well-meaning people keep telling me that "kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for." I know that is true. But what if Amanda and Luke are the exceptions?
In professional boxing, there’s no headgear. In amateur boxing, they have head gear and a belt to protect from low blows. Unfortunately, raising kids is the big time - no safety gear is provided.
The last couple of days have been a real struggle despite my recent optimistic look on things. The kids (I love them more than I ever thought humanly possible) have been...challenging. Mander is really testing boundaries and then when pressed, apologizes "to never, ever do it again." Luker is cutting (what I hope) are his last several baby teeth and is grouchy, stubborn, and full of fits. He is also addicted to the "truck" video. Amanda picked out two DVDs as Valentines for Luke - one all about construction equipment and the other about fire trucks. The challenge with those DVDs is just how many times I can stand watching those same videos prior to my brain oozing out of my ears. Thankfully, there’s no purple dinosaur or singing kids anywhere in the DVD.
I know that dealing with kids comes with the territory of being a parent. When that kid contract was signed at the hospital to take my kids home, I knew what I was signing and what it entailed. However, I remember seeing two lines on that contract, and I signed it second! (If there only were a contract!)
I am not looking for sympathy. That is NOT what this blog is about. I am just writing. I know I have written on this topic before. But guess what? I am still beating myself up about how I am doing as a parent. I love being a dad. I have said that before. I just wonder - am I doing this right? Am I too hard on Amanda? Probably. Am I too easy on Luke? Probably. Is Amanda strong because she doesn’t want to upset me? After all, she is the one who wipes my tears away when she see them falling down my cheek. When you have someone to bounce problems off of your decisions are easier to regulate and just plain easier to make. Everyone knows daughters can wrap dads around any of their ten little fingers and still have nine fingers left for more wrapping. I have a hard time being stern with Amanda. She seems so fragile and I don’t want to "scar" her any further. Well-meaning people keep telling me that "kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for." I know that is true. But what if Amanda and Luke are the exceptions?
In professional boxing, there’s no headgear. In amateur boxing, they have head gear and a belt to protect from low blows. Unfortunately, raising kids is the big time - no safety gear is provided.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a side note, today at church I signed the communication card (to show attendance, prayer requests, address/phone change, etc.) "Joe & Cindy". I didn't catch what I wrote for about 10 minutes. Some habits are hard to break.
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