Stuff To Do = Life

Like it or not, we have stuff that we have to do. We have stuff that we have to do and it’s not stuff we want to do. But that's life, isn’t it?

I don’t want to do laundry every couple of days.

I don’t want to figure out what to feed my kids - one (Luke) who won’t eat anything, one (Amanda) who eats everything but tomato(e)s.

I don’t want to go to Wal-Mart several times in a week. A Wal-Mart that I petitioned against, but couldn’t vote against, to keep out of my neighborhood.

I don’t want to have a never-ending battle against toys that leave the house in a constant state of messy.

I don’t want to live where it’s 25 degrees outside.

I don’t want to have a million questions that solely require my answers.

I don’t want Christmas trees to dry out the instant you bring them home.

I don’t want every kid in the tri-state area that Amanda knows to have a birthday party that she HAS to go to.

I don’t want my friends to have heartaches from losing mothers or babies.

I don’t want to have a birthday, or Christmas, or New Years, without my wife.

I don’t want to have to commiserate with anyone else who’s going through the loss of a spouse with kids.

I don’t want to feel guilty for not thinking of Cindy all the time.

I don’t want to feel like other people are judging me if they see me out with another woman. ‘Cause I know they will.

I don’t want to change anything.

I don’t want to always be calm and collected.
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I do want to feed my kids nutritiously and wear clean clothes.

I do want to save money.

I do want my kids to enjoy their toys and actually play with all of them.

I do want to experience all of the seasons that God made.

I do want to have an input into the decisions that affect my life and my family.

I do want the piney smell of the Christmas tree.

I do want Amanda to enjoy her many and diverse friends.

I do understand the circle of life. And like seasons of the year, we all have Springs and Winters.

I do want to live at least another year. 38 years today.

I do want to help a fellow brother going through a similar struggle and aid in whatever way I can.

I do want to have memories of Cindy which don’t consume my every waking moment.

I do want to enjoy the company of women.

I want to change everything.

I want to come out the other side of this struggle as close to the person I was going in - if that’s God’s will.

That’s life. Isn’t it?

What? No Blog Tonight?

Ok, I'm sorry. I really wanted to dispense some poignant, heartfelt, yet eloquent words of wisdom tonight. Last night I was up until 2:15am working on a Christmas present. (Sorry, those who will receive said present also read this blog. No hints!) Because of that, I have no brain power left - the last of it was sucked up by my last pot-head client of the day.

Tonight the kids, my mom, and I went to Chuck's BarBQ in Herrin and then on to Candy Cane Lane in West Frankfort. (Did I ever tell you how much I despised WF when I played baseball? They always cheated, or threw at our batters, or nearly caused me to get thrown out of a game when I was 15? That's another blog.) Anyway, Candy Cane Lane in WF was just what Amanda and Luke needed. We ended up shooting the loop twice so Amanda could see all the lights, characters, and displays better than she did the first time.

What I am saying is... I am tired and going to bed. Write more tomorrow. Hopefully it will be eloquent.

Christmas in Heaven

I had another one of those sad/proud moments with Amanda last night while we decorated the Christmas tree and listened to satellite Christmas music on our TV. I truly don’t know what my life would be like if she (and Luke) weren’t a part of it right now.

After putting Luke to bed, Amanda and I strung up the lights and started putting up some of the ornaments. The first container of ornaments had the ones that Cindy and I painted our first Christmas together. Commence crying. The second group of ornaments that I found included one that I had bought Cindy early in our relationship. More crying. I tried to keep Amanda from seeing my tears - she’s seen enough of them lately - but it was to no avail. She looked at me and said, "Why are you crying, daddy? Don’t cry. Mommy’s happy and she’s watching us have fun putting up this tree." What a girl!!!

At the moment Amanda said that to me, I turned to the TV to listen to a new Christmas song. Its title was "Christmas in Heaven" and I had never heard it before. Now, I normally HATE(!) with a passion those first person songs that tell some kind of sappy story. (Butterfly Kisses, Christmas Shoe song, Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer, etc.) They are about as high on my despise list as forwarded emails telling me to forward the received email to 5 of my "friends" within the next 30 minutes and I will get good luck for 24 hours. This song, however, was one that related to me - so I will give it a pass.

It is sung from the perspective of someone in heaven and spending their first Christmas with Jesus. As you can imagine, I stopped everything, held Amanda and cried. Amanda said to me, "you miss mom, don’t you?" I had to say yes, but that I know she is having a great time now.

I don’t know what my life would be like if she weren’t a part of it right now.... nor what I would write in my blog.

Let Me Count The Ways

Have I mentioned how much I love my church? If you haven’t heard that yet, let me tell you. I love my church.

There is always something different about the service without being too different. They think of things ahead of time and are always prepared. There’s always a great and relevant message. Someone new is always stepping up to help out. The people in the congregation are constantly reaching out to help those in need. The music is outstanding and never too loud. The children’s department has fabulous teachers who are not just going through the motions. And most importantly, lives are being changed because of what our church (this group of God’s children) is doing.

Tonight I had some friends over. They have been through struggles at other churches, too. They now go to my church and feel the same way I do about our church. We all rejoiced in how nice it is to be able to go to church and work in those areas where you are gifted - not in every area because no one else is there to do it.

I love Grand Avenue. I hope you love your church as much as I do mine.

Deeper Commitment

What a day. Breakfast of Daddy (Bisquick, actually) pancakes. Baths for both kids. GACC Children’s Christmas program practice. Play date for Amanda. Nap for Luke. Award-winning chili made. Amanda’s school Christmas program with donkey costume. Grocery shopping w/o list. Feeding Luke. Cleaning up Luke’s mess of Jell-o, grapes, a napkin, and a strong right arm. (Amanda with Grandparents tonight!) Cleaning Luke. Luke to bed.

After all that, I started my own cleaning. I wish it had been another Jell-o mess. No, I am starting to go through THE FILE. You know that file. You have one. Everyone has one. It’s the filing cabinet where the not-quite-lock-box-worthy stuff is. Manuals to stuff that broke 5 yrs ago. Warrantee papers to I have no idea what. Brochures to Kissimmee/St. Cloud, FL. (Has anyone ever gone there? I bet you have a brochure from there, too!) Instruction manuals from your first cell phone, but not your latest, because you might need that one. Our file also has transcripts from high school, SIUC and Milligan College of Cindy, and one of my SIUC transcripts. (Cindy’s grades were WAAAAYYY better than mine! If only I had "applied" myself.) I found 10 yr old budgets and board minutes from the church we stopped attending nearly 3 yrs ago. I bet your papers are somewhat different - but, I bet you have a file like this one.

Well, something else in there stopped me in my tracks. It was a Testimony Worksheet that Cindy had completed. Next to it was a 3 page, hand-written, single-spaced copy of her testimony dated 6-12-90. Before tonight, I don’t remember ever seeing it. I would like to pull a couple of lines from it... if you don’t mind.

"Before deeper commitment, I had a lack of purpose. I thought, ‘Well, why don’t I drink, etc.? What’s stopping me?’ And even though I didn’t do those things, I definitely had some mixed up ideas about right and wrong. I was having ‘fun’ with my friends, but now my life has a deeper meaning. I have more peace, more joy.

I started going to church and was baptized when I was in about 6th grade. And, I’ve always been a "religious"-type person, because I didn’t do a lot of outwardly wrong things, but yet I didn’t have a mature relationship with Christ. Around my sophomore year, I began to take my faith more seriously.

At church camp one summer, we played a simulation game called "Success Story." At the end of the game, the trumpet sounded and we were all called in. And because I had spent all my time running frantically all over the place, and had literally pushed people away who were trying to tell us to repent, and not follow the ways of the world, I lost the game. I went to hell. It really hit me, too. I described me exactly: here I was, chasing after all these things (good grades, fun & friends, being the all-around best) and I wasn’t taking time out for God. Since somewhere around that time, thanks to a couple of great youth ministers & great activities like Bible Bowl, I’ve regularly attended church with a deeper appreciation for it.

More than anything, I would like to say that my prayers are being answered. My life is so much better because I have an inner peace, a real fulfillment. And even though I still have my bad days (even weeks) I know that everything is going to be ok. It is most comforting of all to know that I have eternal life."

On the way to St Louis in what ended up being our final trip to Barnes, Cindy made me promise that the next Mrs. Joe Howerton would have a deep faith in Christ above all else.

She set the bar very high.


Random thought for the day: "Did they use to tell scary ghost stories at Christmas? And that makes it the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

JTPO Will Keep Writing

A while back, I contacted one of Cindy’s college roommates about how you get started with writing a book. She used to work for Focus on the Family and is now a freelance writer who has had a few articles published. Her advice? Start writing and pray. There were a few other suggestions, but that was the gist of it. I read somewhere that Joe the Plumber has a book coming out. Of course, "serious" writers have come out against "ordinary" people like Joe the Plumber writing books. If JTP wants to cash in on his dwindling moments of fame - go for it! I bet he does have something to say. It’s the "ordinary" people who often have the most insight! (If books only came from ivory towers can you imagine how un-useful most books would be?)

At work, I sometimes have to write what’s called a Pre-Sentence Investigation (PSI) Report. I have normally been assigned one of these reports every couple of months. A PSI is basically a 10-20 page paper that is given to the Judge (and attorneys) prior to a defendant being sentenced to possible prison time so that an appropriate sentence can be handed down. It covers EVERYTHING about the defendant. It has sections about their criminal history, family/marital situation, work history, physical health, substance abuse/mental health issues present and past, treatment history, educational history, and goals/hobbies. All of those areas must be documented by the probation officer and then put into the report. It’s a huge undertaking and we normally have around 6-8 weeks to complete it - along with our regular caseload. That is why when someone is found guilty they set the sentencing so long afterwards. (This concludes your civics lesson for today. Tomorrow, "Political Reform and You".) I tell you all this because.......oh yeah. I like to write and it’s a good thing since I have to do it quite often in my job. It’s kind of the story about the client.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that Joe the Probation Officer is going to keep writing here on the blog. I don’t know if anyone really cares what I write about, but I am having fun with it. And it’s challenging in a way that is much different than any PSI.


Random thought for the day: "I miss Calvin and Hobbes."

Daniel's Story Hour Postponed

Today was my last day to work this week. I am taking Friday off to do some much needed running around/Christmas tree shopping/decorating/cleaning. There’s no possible way I will get all of those things done. Although I will be kid-free after 8am, so I should make a BIG dent into some of it..

Tonight, I cried like a baby at supper. It was awesome! While eating with Amanda at the table I remembered that I had not picked up the mail from the box outside. (UPS also showed up with a box that apparently came from the North Pole... if you get my drift!) Anyway, I allowed Amanda to open the Christmas cards that we received today. One of them was from a couple that goes to our church. They had written one of those Christmas letters I used to despise, and then participated in the construction of, and have now come to see they are actually worth while.
(Get on with it, Joe!)

I started to read the letter and they quoted Luke 2:15-20 (THE Christmas story). As I read the scripture Amanda started quoting it as I read ahead. She missed a couple of words here and there, but all in all, she got it pretty right! Well....... I cried. I cried a lot! I cried tears of joy and sadness. There was nothing that made Cindy happier than when Amanda would come home from VBS or Sunday School and quote a verse. It was the Bible Bowler in her. Did I mention I cried? Amanda was kinda scared at first with all my crying. She thought she had done something wrong. I explained that, no, I was just happy that she had been listening so well at school as they practiced their Christmas program (Sunday at 4pm @ Christ Comm.) and had picked up the verses. I told her I was also sad mom couldn’t be here to see how well she had memorized. I then told her that I believe that those in heaven can look down at us when there’s something here on earth that is special for them to see. "May I have your attention! Daniel's story hour normally scheduled for sometime today is postponed so Cindy can see Amanda quote 5 verses of scripture from memory. Daniel will return to Onyx Field 211 once Amanda is done with her quotes. Please remember, we have forever to catch his stories. He will be back in 200 years for more stories. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you."

I finally composed myself, beamed with pride, and gave Amanda a huge hug.

"We done good with that one, Hun!"