If My Hypothesis Is Correct...

Awhile back - I don't know if it was on this blog or in the mass emails I used to send out to update everyone about Cindy - I talked about how the phrase "God will not give you more than you can handle" could be interpreted a different way.

Basically, I had hypothesized that I would rise to the occasion or someone would step up to help when I was at the point where I could not handle things myself. If God wanted me to get through something, (and he does want us to succeed) He would supply the means to get through it. It would either be something that I could actually handle myself, or someone would step into the picture to address the need at the moment I needed help.

Let me tell you something. My hypothesis is correct. Wholly, correct. Now I don't want to brag - cause my actual contributions are quite small - but it is amazing what a 38 yr old guy can do when he has to. Let me correct something. My hypothesis never mentions that it would be "easy". Far from it. I would not even classify what I am going through as controllable or pleasant. And I like control of things I am involved in. Raising two kids with two parents is not easy either- it goes with the territory.

Now back to that hypothesis. I have seen that my abilities as a (now single) dad have increased. I still have trouble with the whole idea of preparing things in advance - like valentines... or school snacks... or picture orders... or clothes for the next day. After all... I am still a guy and we just don't think that way. Luckily I hit the jackpot when it came to in-laws. They have saved my butt more than a few time. I have quite a few other people who have stepped up to take the kids off my hands when time alone is needed or a lunch/dinner invite when I don't even ask. Anyway, I am making it though - the kids are making it though - we are making it though.

Only by the Grace of God!

BTW... done with the St. Patty's green. It's SPRING!

Stories of Mom Beginning Now

One of the reasons I started this blog was to help me. Writing stuff out seems to help with my thoughts and moods. Another reason was to hopefully allow those who read this blog to get an insight into the psyche of a younger (?) man who loses a wife and how he copes with raising kids, keeping a job and getting on with his life. And if there's someone else going through this same situation, maybe they too can find some help through my words.


I realized there's someone else I am leaving out of the loop. My kids. I want them to know who Cindy was... not just through the stories I can tell and the pictures we have taken, but also through the words I can write.


So... I have started writing Stories of Mom for the kids. Because of that, my blogging will be slowed a little. Don't think I have forgotten about you voyeurs/stalkers who read this blog. I will still be posting on here, but I really want to write this other thing for the kids.

Hope you understand and I will keep these blogs coming. After all, this blog is where I do my heavy mental lifting and bulldoze the cobwebs of my mental thesaurus.

Multiple Shots to the Heart

When do you stop beating yourself up? Do you stop before or after you are bruised? That’s just one of many things going through my mind lately. For those of you who know me, that will come as a surprise. "Joe has thoughts? Wow! Who knew!"

The last couple of days have been a real struggle despite my recent optimistic look on things. The kids (I love them more than I ever thought humanly possible) have been...challenging. Mander is really testing boundaries and then when pressed, apologizes "to never, ever do it again." Luker is cutting (what I hope) are his last several baby teeth and is grouchy, stubborn, and full of fits. He is also addicted to the "truck" video. Amanda picked out two DVDs as Valentines for Luke - one all about construction equipment and the other about fire trucks. The challenge with those DVDs is just how many times I can stand watching those same videos prior to my brain oozing out of my ears. Thankfully, there’s no purple dinosaur or singing kids anywhere in the DVD.

I know that dealing with kids comes with the territory of being a parent. When that kid contract was signed at the hospital to take my kids home, I knew what I was signing and what it entailed. However, I remember seeing two lines on that contract, and I signed it second! (If there only were a contract!)

I am not looking for sympathy. That is NOT what this blog is about. I am just writing. I know I have written on this topic before. But guess what? I am still beating myself up about how I am doing as a parent. I love being a dad. I have said that before. I just wonder - am I doing this right? Am I too hard on Amanda? Probably. Am I too easy on Luke? Probably. Is Amanda strong because she doesn’t want to upset me? After all, she is the one who wipes my tears away when she see them falling down my cheek. When you have someone to bounce problems off of your decisions are easier to regulate and just plain easier to make. Everyone knows daughters can wrap dads around any of their ten little fingers and still have nine fingers left for more wrapping. I have a hard time being stern with Amanda. She seems so fragile and I don’t want to "scar" her any further. Well-meaning people keep telling me that "kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for." I know that is true. But what if Amanda and Luke are the exceptions?

In professional boxing, there’s no headgear. In amateur boxing, they have head gear and a belt to protect from low blows. Unfortunately, raising kids is the big time - no safety gear is provided.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a side note, today at church I signed the communication card (to show attendance, prayer requests, address/phone change, etc.) "Joe & Cindy". I didn't catch what I wrote for about 10 minutes. Some habits are hard to break.

Time Heals - Slowly

I had a blog all written out Wednesday evening that was all ready for publishing. It really wasn’t good, but I thought I should put something up so you wouldn’t think I had stopped blogging, or had fallen from the face of the earth. It was about people watching and how there’s no better place to people watch than in a courtroom. If people’s lives weren’t in the balance with every decision it would be more fun. I don’t want to write about that - although if you get a chance, find out when status hearing day is scheduled, take a bag of popcorn (not really), and enjoy the show. I guarantee you will hear stuff you only get in real life dramas!

But that’s not what I am going to write about. I wanted to write about me. Sometimes, I write about my life, or my family, or my work. Sometimes I get frustrated with this current life. I have had several people ask me lately how I am doing. Before I would lie and say "ok" or "as well as I can be." Now I can honestly say, "I am doing well."

I have a routine now. I can handle the kids alone for extended periods of time if need be. ( I still prefer one at a time!) I have an understanding now of the bills and their scheduled payments. I am starting to get to sleep at a reasonable hour on most nights. Fixing dinner is not as exhausting. I have lost enough weight that some are starting to notice - couple of inches on the belt, so far. (Not trying to lose any, but it’s just happening.) Bed time is do-able. Work is under control and fun again (although one situation is not pleasant, but that is another story.) (I was in such a good mood that I decided I would call EVERYONE minus clients "Butter Cup" one day this past week. It was so much fun. Try it!)

I am determined to take up golf and become good enough to not embarrass myself. I have other fun things planned - Luke’s birthday party in April, kite-flying with Amanda, going out with friends - old and new, Miners' games in the summer, and another attempt at a Michael W. Smith concert in April. I have even added a couple of new CDs to my collection that are awesome. (TobyMac's Portable Sounds is my new all-time fav.)

What does all this mean? Time heals - slowly, but surely. I still have my moments - like earlier tonight with Amanda during bed time. I miss Cindy. Amanda misses Cindy. I told her tonight how proud I was of the way she is handling all that she has gone through. Then completely unprovoked she said, "but you know what, Dad? Maybe when me and you and Luke are still alive Jesus will come back and mom might be with Him." I said that she might be. Amanda then said, "Or, she might be back at her room getting the fruit ready. That is what I would do, I would be picking all the fruit that’s just inside the gate for the big feast."

Of course, this is the same five year old girl who said to me this morning over breakfast, "Do you know ‘99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?" And when I asked if she knew what beer was she replied, "Well, yeah. It’s a drink that has caffeine in it. That is why I don’t drink it!"

Oh, Waiter!

Ok, I'm back to writing about life as a single dad and away from griping about those assaulting the building blocks that made America great.

I have not had a "plan" on a Saturday for quite a while. My last Saturday "plan" was probably one that was dictated to me by my lovely wife. Today, I had a plan. It wasn’t elaborate, but it was adventuresome. At least for us. Here’s what the plan was.... 1) Make breakfast (waffles), 2) let the kids watch some TV, 3) clean the kitchen, 4) start award-winning chili, 5) load up the kids in the car, 6) stop by mom’s and retrieve some really, really old Hot Wheels track, 7) shop at Target in Marion, 8) eat at Steak n Shake, 9) return home for naps/rests. Isn’t that enough by 1pm?

I know, I know, half of you are saying, "that’s my typical Saturday!" The other half of you are probably saying "what award?"

Everything went well and according to the "plan". My only complaint was at Steak n Shake. On the weekends now they let kids eat free. Quite a deal. Unfortunately, I got ticked off, right off the bat. Our waiter "assumed" that someone else was joining us. Now, I have worked in the restaurant business - but never as a waiter - and I do know a few things about it. First of all, don’t assume. You ask. I have eaten by myself numerous times before and since Cindy’s death and this is the first time someone assumed that I would have someone else coming to eat with us. For some reason, that rubbed me the wrong way. Seriously, wrong. I just couldn't believe he had the nerve to think that someone else had to be coming.

Maybe he thought someone would be joining me because I was with the kids. Yeah, that’s it. I think this whole incident was an indictment of the waiter... He would have had to have a woman help wrangle two kids at a restaurant. He never would have taken his kids out to eat by himself, therefore NO ONE would do it. Yeah, he was the guy who never took his kids off his wife’s hands for a night to let her get away with her friends. I bet he’s divorced. I bet he lives alone in a single apartment on the south side of Marion. (Disclaimer: Not that there’s anything wrong with that part of Marion!) I bet he left his wife with the kids every chance he got to go play pool at Hurley’s. (Disclaimer #2: I have only heard that you can play pool at Hurley’s. Apparently there’s other things that go on there, but that is strictly hearsay!)

Oh, and he didn’t give us silverware, there was not catsup on the table and Amanda didn’t get her applesauce that she ordered. But hey, the kids ate for free!

And to answer the question from above, I won 2nd place at the ‘07 Grand Avenue Christian Church Fall Round Up Chili Cook-Off (GACCFRUCCO for short.) I think the prize was a $10 gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond.

Why Should I Pay Your Mortgage?

Now I normally don’t get all political on this blog. I rode Rod B. pretty hard on occasion, but I don’t believe I was alone on that one! (Think he knows the term "crap weasel?" Friends reference.) At SIUC, I majored in Administration of Justice (hence a career in Probation!) and minored in Political Science (hence what I am writing about tonight).

Being born when I was (1970), my first foggy memories of anything political was President Ford. I remember President Carter and his brother Billy. Wasn’t there a story about a rabbit, or some kind of animal involving the Carters? Anyway, I remember nothing about Vietnam, nothing about the protests and vaguely the run on gas in the ‘70s. I remember my dad saying, "Reagan will never serve out his term." It was my dad who didn’t make it. I remember watching the evening news nearly every night wondering what all that doom and gloom was really about and thinking that everything must be wrong.

What I don’t remember is Americans being so upset with their government and having so little say to stop what is going on. I also don’t remember so many who were "mesmerized" by a political figure as is happening with President B.H.O. I am one of those evil "right-wingers" so if you are left-leaning you will probably dismiss what I am saying right off the bat.
Here’s what I overheard yesterday at Pizza Hut in Murphysboro, IL from three senior citizens who I eaves-dropped on.

Woman 1: "Can you believe that bill that they passed. Did you see what they
are going to do with some of that money?"
Woman 2: "I am so @#$% mad. I don’t
get it. They are not even sure if the @#$ thing is going to work. And why in the
#$% should I pay a #$% cent so someone else can stay in their #$% house that
they couldn’t afford in the first place. This @#%$ has got to stop."
Woman 1: "I am scared. I have never been this concerned about the future than I am today. But I know one thing. He better not touch my #$% Social Security. I worked #@$ hard for that money and it better be there."
Man 1: Didn’t say a thing. He kept eating. Obviously a very smart man.

I have overheard this same conversation (sometimes even without the curse words) at grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants and in homes for the past couple of months. So much has "changed" in this nation in the last 6 months - all because of a "crisis" - I don’t recognize this country as the one I grew up in. It used to be that in hard times, the President would come on the TV and say something like, "We as Americans are the best workers in the world. We can overcome this through hard work, perseverence and a tenacity that made this country the envy of the world. Our best days are ahead." I am not hearing that now. What we hear now as President O flies over all over the country is if you are not working it’s no big deal. I have a plan to "help" you through this "crisis". We’ll give you money for your mortgage and pay you more to have more kids. We are going to raise taxes and give money from people who have a job and are making ends meet to those of you who aren’t. Those of you who have been looking for work, we are going to give a ton of money to the big unions (UAW has something like $1.3 billion in assets) and they will hire you. Oh, and we are still telling the auto industry what vehicles to build and bank who to lend to and we’re coming after health care next.

Other than bombing and breaking things via the military, what has the government ever done well and economically sound? Social Security? Nope. Government-backed mortgages? NOPE! Schools? Nope! Transportation? Nope Welfare? Nope!!!! Why, then would we want to expand what they are in charge of?

What gets me is this... all of this money that is being printed to cover the spending (spendulous) bill has not addressed ANY of the core reasons why we are in the "crisis". There is an inevitable outcome when you print extra money like we are.... massive inflation. And when it hits it’s going to be very bad. The good news is that there’s a growing number of American’s who think like I do. They(we) are livid over our government over-reaching it’s boundaries and entering areas of everyday life that is now effecting our freedoms and liberties on a wide scale. For too long we have lived on a slippery slope. Luckily, that slope was not too steep. Now that slope is steep and greased.

And one more thing. I applaud the Republicans in the House and Senate (minus the 3 closet Democrats) for not voting for this bill. President O can say what he wants about "working" with the Republicans, but if it were that important for America, Republicans would have been first to sign it.

It hasn’t taken too long for me to recognize that all this "change" is not going to benefit me or America.

I Call Her A Mini-Me

As far as being a dad goes - I think I am doing pretty well. I love being a dad. I am one of those "hands on" dads. I love giving my kids "airplane" rides complete with turbulence. I love playing trains with Luke and cooking with Amanda. Is there a better feeling than when you first get home from work and you hear "daddy, daddy, daddy" from your two favorite people in the world as they run as fast as their growing legs can carry them? Is there any wonder I come home for lunch everyday? I love watching Luke’s brain try to figure out the best way to get me to forget about what I’m doing and to sit with him in the living room floor. I love Amanda’s 5 year old going on 11 brain attempting to argue the merits of whatever argument she is trying to win.

I love to watch Luke run from the kitchen sink to the play area (dinning room) 10 times in a row - all the while watching himself in the kitchen sliding glass door. Or, Amanda drawing or crafting or scrapbooking like her mom or ‘advanced’ coloring like her dad does.

I’m still amazed by Amanda and her ability to cope with this situation that our family is in. She is still pretty well adjusted. She has a few moments - nothing like before - where she is sad/angry. She still has me crying nearly every night during our prayers. She has now started to wear one of Cindy’s t-shirts as a night shirt. Nearly every night she says something like, "Do I look like mommy in this shirt?" With her curly hair, she could wear a box and still look like Cindy. As one of Cindy’s friends said - "she is a Mini-Me."

Some of Cindy’s childhood friends have authored and had printed a hard cover book of childhood memories of Cindy. It was one of the nicest gestures anyone has done for us. Amanda and I are slowly reading through that book each night before bed. I have heard some of the stories, but others are new even to me. Some are "don’t you dare do that" stories, while others are more benign. I am sure Amanda and Luke will get more out of the stories (and a few ideas!) when they grow up a little bit more, but they’re still fun now for Amanda. I am also enjoying the book as I travel this grief road and remember Cindy in better times.

Say what you want about single parents raising kids in this PC world... but take it from a single dad.... no matter how good a dad you are... you can’t be a mom.