Stuff To Do = Life

Like it or not, we have stuff that we have to do. We have stuff that we have to do and it’s not stuff we want to do. But that's life, isn’t it?

I don’t want to do laundry every couple of days.

I don’t want to figure out what to feed my kids - one (Luke) who won’t eat anything, one (Amanda) who eats everything but tomato(e)s.

I don’t want to go to Wal-Mart several times in a week. A Wal-Mart that I petitioned against, but couldn’t vote against, to keep out of my neighborhood.

I don’t want to have a never-ending battle against toys that leave the house in a constant state of messy.

I don’t want to live where it’s 25 degrees outside.

I don’t want to have a million questions that solely require my answers.

I don’t want Christmas trees to dry out the instant you bring them home.

I don’t want every kid in the tri-state area that Amanda knows to have a birthday party that she HAS to go to.

I don’t want my friends to have heartaches from losing mothers or babies.

I don’t want to have a birthday, or Christmas, or New Years, without my wife.

I don’t want to have to commiserate with anyone else who’s going through the loss of a spouse with kids.

I don’t want to feel guilty for not thinking of Cindy all the time.

I don’t want to feel like other people are judging me if they see me out with another woman. ‘Cause I know they will.

I don’t want to change anything.

I don’t want to always be calm and collected.
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I do want to feed my kids nutritiously and wear clean clothes.

I do want to save money.

I do want my kids to enjoy their toys and actually play with all of them.

I do want to experience all of the seasons that God made.

I do want to have an input into the decisions that affect my life and my family.

I do want the piney smell of the Christmas tree.

I do want Amanda to enjoy her many and diverse friends.

I do understand the circle of life. And like seasons of the year, we all have Springs and Winters.

I do want to live at least another year. 38 years today.

I do want to help a fellow brother going through a similar struggle and aid in whatever way I can.

I do want to have memories of Cindy which don’t consume my every waking moment.

I do want to enjoy the company of women.

I want to change everything.

I want to come out the other side of this struggle as close to the person I was going in - if that’s God’s will.

That’s life. Isn’t it?

What? No Blog Tonight?

Ok, I'm sorry. I really wanted to dispense some poignant, heartfelt, yet eloquent words of wisdom tonight. Last night I was up until 2:15am working on a Christmas present. (Sorry, those who will receive said present also read this blog. No hints!) Because of that, I have no brain power left - the last of it was sucked up by my last pot-head client of the day.

Tonight the kids, my mom, and I went to Chuck's BarBQ in Herrin and then on to Candy Cane Lane in West Frankfort. (Did I ever tell you how much I despised WF when I played baseball? They always cheated, or threw at our batters, or nearly caused me to get thrown out of a game when I was 15? That's another blog.) Anyway, Candy Cane Lane in WF was just what Amanda and Luke needed. We ended up shooting the loop twice so Amanda could see all the lights, characters, and displays better than she did the first time.

What I am saying is... I am tired and going to bed. Write more tomorrow. Hopefully it will be eloquent.

Christmas in Heaven

I had another one of those sad/proud moments with Amanda last night while we decorated the Christmas tree and listened to satellite Christmas music on our TV. I truly don’t know what my life would be like if she (and Luke) weren’t a part of it right now.

After putting Luke to bed, Amanda and I strung up the lights and started putting up some of the ornaments. The first container of ornaments had the ones that Cindy and I painted our first Christmas together. Commence crying. The second group of ornaments that I found included one that I had bought Cindy early in our relationship. More crying. I tried to keep Amanda from seeing my tears - she’s seen enough of them lately - but it was to no avail. She looked at me and said, "Why are you crying, daddy? Don’t cry. Mommy’s happy and she’s watching us have fun putting up this tree." What a girl!!!

At the moment Amanda said that to me, I turned to the TV to listen to a new Christmas song. Its title was "Christmas in Heaven" and I had never heard it before. Now, I normally HATE(!) with a passion those first person songs that tell some kind of sappy story. (Butterfly Kisses, Christmas Shoe song, Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer, etc.) They are about as high on my despise list as forwarded emails telling me to forward the received email to 5 of my "friends" within the next 30 minutes and I will get good luck for 24 hours. This song, however, was one that related to me - so I will give it a pass.

It is sung from the perspective of someone in heaven and spending their first Christmas with Jesus. As you can imagine, I stopped everything, held Amanda and cried. Amanda said to me, "you miss mom, don’t you?" I had to say yes, but that I know she is having a great time now.

I don’t know what my life would be like if she weren’t a part of it right now.... nor what I would write in my blog.

Let Me Count The Ways

Have I mentioned how much I love my church? If you haven’t heard that yet, let me tell you. I love my church.

There is always something different about the service without being too different. They think of things ahead of time and are always prepared. There’s always a great and relevant message. Someone new is always stepping up to help out. The people in the congregation are constantly reaching out to help those in need. The music is outstanding and never too loud. The children’s department has fabulous teachers who are not just going through the motions. And most importantly, lives are being changed because of what our church (this group of God’s children) is doing.

Tonight I had some friends over. They have been through struggles at other churches, too. They now go to my church and feel the same way I do about our church. We all rejoiced in how nice it is to be able to go to church and work in those areas where you are gifted - not in every area because no one else is there to do it.

I love Grand Avenue. I hope you love your church as much as I do mine.