Would Someone Remind Me Again How This Is Done!

It's been so long since I wrote anything, I doubt I will be able to summarize what has been going on without writing a long blog. But I will try to be brief.

Christmas came quickly for me this year. It seems like the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was only about 2 weeks. Is it me or are days and weeks shorter than they used to be?

I think that given everything that had to be done (gifts, work, life) I pulled everything together pretty well this year. Of course, having a female in my life again really made everything a whole lot easier. Gifts were wrapped a little more neatly. Gifts were actually bought previous to the final shopping day of the season. I was still stressed but that might just have been the sound of my credit card cooling off.

Amanda and Luke were on the receiving end of a literal "ton of gifts." We had the chance to go to Candy Cane Lane in West Frankfort and I got to have one of those moments when you are glad you have kids. At the end of the 20 minute drive through the mega-light display, Santa and Mickey Mouse wished us well. When they both approached our car, Luke's eyes lit up and his mouth curled into a smile as he slowly realized they were coming to him. High Fives later, he was very happy and telling us that he had just seen Santa and Mickey.

I was so glad to have a fun and entertaining Christmas day. I really enjoyed it and for once in a long time had the chance to just take in all the kids enjoyment.

I had one funny item that I have to pass along. The kids, Christy, and I went to Lowe's to get our Christmas tree. After about 5 minutes of looking we found a beautiful tree and had them cut it, wrap it, and place it on top of my SUV. Christy and I put the kids inside the vehicle while the much under-paid Lowe's "associate" put the tree on the roof and tied it down. When I finally got into the truck, Luke started saying, "get the tree off the truck" and "I don't want the tree up there." I teased him by opening the sun roof on the way home to "check" to make sure it was still there. Of course, that led Luke to start over about his displeasure of the tree's location. He also didn't really like the tree in the house later that night, but eventually got over his aversion to the tree inside our house.

(I have already bought a pre-lit, fake tree for next year! I hope Luke approves!)

Counting Chickens

Never count your chickens or make plans to go to Chattanooga too quickly. SIU lost in a horrible game on Saturday. For about 10 minutes all was well. Then that well ran dry! I don't know if it can be proven, but I know when your team begins to lose, you suddenly start feeling weather conditions more acutely.

I am in Illinois - nowhere near Chicago. Therefore, we don't get really cold weather. I don't like cold weather. Why anyone would voluntarily live in a climate colder that what we have here in So. Illinois is beyond the scope of my thinking. Is it the big city life of Chicago? There are big cities down south. Is it the farmlands of central Illinois? Yep, those can be found west of here! Anyway, I froze my keister off on Saturday and the more points the other team put on the scoreboard, the colder that keister got!

Anyway, SIU football was a great time all season long and I can say that we have a really good chance to compete next year.

At least they don't play basketball outside!

Go Dawgs!!!

This fall I have picked up a hobby. It's not really a do-it-yourself in the garage kind of hobby, but it's still a lot of fun and exciting to me. It's SIU football!

You see, SIU has a really good football team this year. Not just really good, but possibly one of the best ever. SIU is ranked 1st in the nation in the NCAA Division I - AA subdivision second tier school blah blah blah. I don't even know anymore what division they are actually in. A couple of years ago it was classified I-AA.

Anyway, Christy and I have made all but a couple of home games this year and I love it. It's fun to be a part of the crowd and to get excited for the home team. (I never root for the home team in anything!) Also, I had no idea that there was such a large party going on prior to every home game! And free food/drinks??? Are you kidding me? Why did I not know about this before this year???

Last week they won their first playoff game and they will play again this Saturday in the quarter finals against William and Mary. It's going to be cold at game time - 37 degrees. I'm going to freeze. It's going to be fun!

I say all this for a reason. First, GO DAWGS! Second, it is refreshing to be having fun. It has truly been a long time since I have had real fun. The funny part of my new-found love of SIU football is that the last time I went to a game was in the '80s. It was so long ago that I don't even remember the exact year except it was the year they won the national championship.

If the Salukis make it to the finals in two weeks, we are tentatively planning on traveling to Chattanooga, TN for the championship game. I hope it's warmer there!

Our Latest

Here's an update on how the Howertons are doing. Amanda's 6th birthday is Saturday, Luke is well into his Terrible Twos and dad is getting grayer by the month.

Despite all of my attempts, Amanda continues to grow up. I thought my cooking would surly stunt her growth, but it's not. Christy's cooking is probably helping with Amanda's growth...and mine too! I think sometimes that Amanda's growth is beyond normal human development. She looks like she is 8... but still occasionally acts like she's her real age. She continues to be well-adjusted to our circumstance. Kids are resilient.

One of the highlights of this week was seeing Amanda on Ch12's "Does It Work Wednesday" segment. They came to her class last week and taped the segment. She was interviewed along with another boy about a toy laptop. She had about 30 seconds of screen time but I firmly believe we have a star in our midst! Check out for yourself: http://www.kfvs12.com/Global/story.asp?S=11519918

Luke is still my blond bruiser. He is so physically strong and strong willed. I just can't believe how sweet and funny he can be. And I can't believe that same boy can be the complete opposite of that!

The kids enjoyed Halloween last month. Amanda was a Southern Belle and Luke was a fire fighter. I went as an over-protective parent. I really had to stretch my mind to come up with that one!

That's a quick update... more later...

Circle the Date

I can't help but notice a certain anniversary is coming in a week. That date, while just another number on the calendar is more than a date to me. It signifies the time my life changed forever. Not only that, my family's future was forever altered because of that date.

10/29 will always signify to me the date that the most significant person in my life left me. I know deep down I will see her another day in the (hopefully, far) distant future and that she is far better off now than she ever was when she was here. Her best day here pales in comparison to any day where she is now!

I have never been one to make major issues out of anniversaries - good or bad ones. I actually had forgotten that my kidney transplant anniversary was this week. Sixteen years ago I went through what I thought then was the most life-altering event I would have to encounter for a long time. I think when you forget an anniversary, you can officially say you have "moved on." For some reason, I don't think 10/29 will ever be forgotten. I am thankful for the 9 years of marriage and 7 years prior to that in which I knew Cindy. I thank God every night for the example she set and the kids she gave me.

I don't believe for an instance that I have "moved on". I do believe that I have "dealt with" what was set before me in a manner that God and Cindy would both approve. Looking back, it is hard to believe it has only been a year. Then again, I can look back and say "where did this year go?"

I am so thankful for everyone who has helped us out this past year. I can't list everyone - but you know who you are! Even this week, I have received help from friends who don't mind a couple of hours of their time to look after the kids.

Everything has not been smooth. (No pink socks yet, though!) I have learned a lot about myself and what I can handle or not. Mostly I learned that God is in control and I don't have to have all the answers.... especially when Luke asks, "but why, daddy?"

Ranting is Cheaper Than Therapy!

I am finally sensing that I am part of a growing and increasingly more disgruntled contingency of Americans. I have never been to a tea party, however, I do drink a lot of Tetley sweet tea. I think those who went to town hall meetings were more like me than not and in many cases were not "organized" beyond being told where the town halls were and what time they started. I also think those who showed up with guns are bigger idiots than the congressmen whose meetings there were protesting.

I know the Democrats have been bussing in "protesters" for many years and received a free pass from the media in every one of those situations.

I am not a 9/11 conspiracy wacko or a member of the fringe "religious right". I do, however, attend church every Sunday, pray, believe abortion is wrong and school prayer is right, personal responsibility should guide, the Golden Rule solves a lot, and there is way too much federal government involvement in way to much of our lives and we are losing ground every day.

I think ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, etc. don't understand what real life is like for 75% of Americans and what we value as truly important. They also don't understand why we are mad. They also think everyone is Catholic...or a snake handler.

I fear the Dollar will be completely worthless within the next 10 years, if not sooner. How many Euros will it take for a Value Meal from McDonalds?

I also don't believe that a few degrees of "recent"climate change should cause alarm or trigger changes in the lives of hundreds of millions of people when there are billions of others who pollute more in total and whose government is not reducing any of the so-called "causes". Exactly how much "green house gasses" do volcanos spew, or are humans responsible for them too? (I guess the original "Cap and Trade" didn't work!)

I think reality TV glamorizes immoral and/or moronic behavior. What other explanation is there for Flavor of Love or Rock of Love. (American Idol probably doesn't after week 2 - but is there really a redeeming quality for it the other weeks either?)

I can't think of another industry where Barney Frank would be considered successful. Or even a respected employee.

I think Barak was not listening during his Inauguration when they said "of the United States of America".

Football is my new favorite sport. (This will come as a HUGE shock for those of you who really know me or have known me since I was younger. Thanks Bud Selig!)

What happened to the initiative to have Hydo-cars on the road by 2015?

My job would be more fun if we had a self-serve, ice-cream machine!

I wish Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would stop calling themselves Reverends.

And finally, I think punishment by the courts (in nearly all cases) should be much more swiftly carried out than how the current system is set up.

If you don't agree with me, that's fine. We can all have our opinions. It's still America....for now at least.

Counting Pins

Things are going well for the Howertons. Michigan has won 3 straight. The Salukis are playing well. None of the kids are currently sick. I am doing well at work (thanks to an intern doing my job!)

Recently my computer experienced what I would call "playing dead". That is the geeky term I am going to use. It was as dead as dead gets. After consulting my on-call computer dude, we determined it was a power supply issue. I bought the necessary $50 part at Best Buy and installed it myself. And it didn't work. It was still "dead". I contacted another computer geek and he asked if I had changed the 24-pin to a 20-pin. Of course I did... ok, no I didn't. I didn't count the pins. I only count pins in bowling but apparently my "old" computer needed the 20-pin connection. I happened to remember there was a 24-pin to 20-pin adapter-thingy in the package. And so I changed the pins and placed the 20 pin adapter-thingy back into the bowels of the computer. And to my amazement - it was still dead.

I scratched my head. I recounted pins. I re-plugged the power cord into the outlet. I pressed "on" and.... dead. Oh great! Two weeks without a computer and now something is really wrong and it's going to get expensive to fix and I am going to have to get a new computer and I will have to transfer all these programs and pictures over and it won't work with these older programs and my email is all set up the way I like it with the addresses and everything and I really don't like to change things....

Oh, wait! There's a little switch on the back of the box I just installed. It says, "ON". Maybe that's the problem?

IT's ALIVE!!!!

Maybe my computer heard I was looking at buying a laptop and got its feelings hurt. Maybe my computer is jealous from all the attention I am giving those shiny new laptops at the store. Either way, she should be ok.... I will always love her. She was my first lovel!!

After all, we will always have Madden 2007 and Zoo Tycoon!

Would You Kindly Open The Doors, Please?

DISCLAIMER: If you are a teacher or administrator at a school please don't take offense to this blog - unless you are at my daughter's school.

Well, it's official. I now have a kindergartner in the house. Some days I think I have a teenager, but really it's just a 5 year old.

Her first day was emotional but not for the reasons I had expected. You see, her school's administration is apparently void of either planning or intelligence. It was as if they had never had planned on kids arriving for school. Let me explain.

I have about a five minute window to drop Amanda off at school and get back on the road in order to arrive at my job on time. The school supposedly has early drop off at 7:45am. (Or so the sign says.) I have to be at work at 8am. I work 10 minutes away. (Word problem: If Joe is delayed 20 minutes then how late will he be to work, and how much time does he have to request off from work for being late? Show your work. Answer at the bottom of the blog.)

When I arrived at the school at 7:45 there was a horde of parents and antsy K-2nd graders standing outside of every door to the school. Being the first day of school, every kid had over-stuffed knapsacks and looks of anxiety and/or dread. Amanda and I walked up and I asked the person in front of the locked doors what was going on. She responded they were not opening the doors until 7:45. My cell phone said 7:46 and the school clock said 7:43. I told one parent waiting the school really should get a clock that is set to the right time. I was quite ticked off. So, I headed to the main front doors with Amanda in tow to see if there was another way in or at least a clock set to the right time. As we walked down the sidewalk Amanda said, "At least I am getting my exercise in this morning with this running." I forgot her legs are a forth as long as mine. When we got there another horde of parents/kids were standing around looking like sheep headed to slaughter. I saw a former client with his family standing outside the main doors and I asked him what was going on. He told me that they were not opening the doors until 8am. I told him, "that's a problem and I am a problem solver!" I was even more ticked off.

I marched straight over to the front doors, looked for a sign that said "Opening at 8am" - I didn't find one. I looked around and nearly every parent was on their cell phones saying the same thing - "I'm still at the school and they are not opening the doors until 8am. I'm going to be late at work." With no notice on the door and the feeling that I had about 20 parents cheering me on, I went over to the glassed-in office window, waited until someone walked through the office and banged on the window and motioned with my pointer finger to come outside. The woman who reluctantly looked up was one of the secretaries and, reading her lips, shook her head and told me "8am". I was mad. At that I shook my head and banged again on the window and motioned with my pointer finger again (yes, that finger again!) for her to come outside so we could "talk". As soon as I did that she picked up the phone. My first thought was "Oh, no! She's calling the cops and I am getting arrested! Where's my badge?" (For the record, I would never use my badge in any way to get out of a situation involving law enforcement personnel...at least not blatantly.)

The secretary hung up the phone and reaches for what looked like keys and headed for the doors. At this same time, a woman (administrator/principal?) walked up from the parking lot and said, "Oh, the doors are not opened? Let me go in and get a key." She walked through the main doors and was greeted by the secretary and together they headed back into the office. The two talked for about 30 seconds and then the secretary came and unlocked the main doors without explanation. It's now 7:55am. I was steamed and felt my face turning red. Amanda and I, fresh off our conquest of charging the school building, were the first through the doors. We got to the 2nd set of doors and boom - they were locked. I looked over to the secretary with disgust and she yelled out, "everyone has to come through the office." I yell back, "Yeah, that makes sense!" So we retreated into the office and the secretary asked me, "Are you parent drop-off?" Now remember, she had seen that I was a demonstrably annoyed, red-faced parent carrying a clear, purple-strapped, Wizards of Waverly Place backpack overflowing with school supplies of all sizes with a wide-eyed, nicely dressed 5 year old frantically being drug in my wake. I held my tongue and said "yeah". (My mind said other things.) This secretary then said, "For future reference... parent drop off is at the other door." I said back with gritted teeth, "It...was... not....open."

Anyway, because Amanda had this large backpack that was full of back-to-school items, I thought it best to take this mountain of supplies straight to her cubbie in her classroom and place it there rather than having them strewn from one end of the school to the other. We headed down the darkened hallway to the far end where her classroom is located. Amanda's pig tails were flopping in the air as she said to me, "Dad, why are we running?" I said, "we are NOT running, there's no running in school. We are walking very fast!" She placed her pack in her assigned spot and we quickly retraced our steps down the hallway. No one had told us where the kids were gathering and no official-type person could be found. Another dad and child were talking with someone I assumed was a male teacher and I heard the teacher say, "I don't know what's going on this morning." As I passed by, I piped up and said, "Do you know where we're supposed to drop off the kids?" The teacher said, "I don't know." To that I responded, "Then it's unanimous!" and headed towards the office. As we neared the main entrance again, I saw another parent and asked them if they knew where we were supposed to be. She said that she supposed the gym. Amanda and I turned around again and began searching for the gym. We came upon a woman who seemed teacher-like and I ask where the gym was located. She pointed down the hallway to a sign that I didn't see. She pointed again and then I realized from our distance, you had to be under 5'5" to see the sign. I am 6'2". It was hanging from the ceiling and if I bent down I could see it.

As we entered the gym, there was mass confusion. Luckily, Amanda's former Pre-K teacher was headed our way and told us, "Apparently, the kids are supposed to find their class mascot and gather there for now. We will then take each group to their respective classrooms." Finally, some instructions!!!! It was 8:04.

I put Amanda under her mascot with about 5 other kids - one of which was a girl named Allison who looked like she was scared. I introduced Amanda to her new best friend and left her with a hug, a kiss and our secret "daughter-power" hand shake. It was 8:05.

Every thought in my head said to march back to the office and have an "airing of grievances" with the friendly principal. I was already late to work - and getting later by the minute. I remembered I had specifically left the morning void of scheduled clients so if I were to get too distraught over Amanda's first day of Kindergarten I could take an hour off to compose myself before I had to see clients. Despite what my brain was saying, I left school grounds without "discussing" the situation with the school staff. I wanted to... I really did. Instead I thought it best to get some breakfast and cool off and then return if I still felt the need or head onto work. A McDonald's breakfast and a call into work seemed to do the trick. I decided that I would not start off Amanda's school reputation as having the "Insane Dad". I bet Luke will thank me, too, since that kind of reputation can last a few years!

All in all, Amanda had a great day, and now a week later, she really loves school (her 3 recesses!) and her teachers. The ironic aspect of this entire fiasco is that after Amanda's second full day of school her backpack had a hand out on "HOW TO DROP OFF YOUR CHILDREN". I think every kid received one - not just the insane, window-pounding, finger-pointing, sarcastic dads!

WORD PROBLEM ANSWER: If I had gone straight to work after dropping Amanda off I would have arrived 15 minutes late. We must take full hours off and can not flex. (Thanks union rules!) Since I took off two weeks of work in July while I was sick/hospitalized, that leaves precious few hours of vacation/sick time that I can take. Every hour I take off I try and make count!

Things with the drop off schedule seems to be improving. The doors are opening nearly on time and people seem to know what they are to do. If they get worse again, you can rest assured there is a window that I will be pounding on!

Every Once in a While

Ok, I am sorry.

I said I would do better and I have failed again. Here's the straight dope. Amanda started Kindergarten. My health is all better. Luke is into the Terrible Two's in full force. And I am busy. Also Amanda, Luke, my girlfriend and I spent a long weekend with some of our friends in Cincinnati. It was my first quasi-vacation in over 2 years.

I am working on a blog entry regarding Amanda's first day (2 hours!) at Kindergarten and the fiaco of trying to drop her off at school.

I should have that entry for you tomorrow... stay tuned...there's even a word problem in the blog. It's worth reading if you have kids, and a good lesson about Government-ineptness in action!

(If congress won't come to you - i.e. town halls - go to them! Call and schedule 15 minutes to tell your congressman, in person, your feelings regarding Health Care "reform".)

Almost But Not Quite

It's been a long time since I wrote on my blog. (Don't be mad, blog. I missed you. I'll try and do better.)

I wanted to give you an update about my health. Like the title of the blog said, I am almost but not quite recovered from my three week illness. I am off the antibiotics and have gotten my energy back. The area where I am now lacking is in strength. Luke, all 37(!) pounds of him, really can wear me out. He is all rough and tumble with Dad and thinks nothing of flopping down on me anytime he sees an opening. The problem is that normally I try and catch him before he completely squishes me...and I really mean "TRY!" Luckily, Amanda is more gentle with her dad, but only slightly. She likes to waller me and snuggle - which is ok - I know it won't last forever!

I really noticed my lack of strength Friday when we moved a couple of desks at work. (Technically, I never should have lifted them - after all I am a union worker! I know what you are thinking... Joe in a union? Yep! Not much choice and no real benefit to me.) I have never been what I would consider a strong man - except for that year in college where I actually lifted weights on a regular schedule - but trying to lift those desks was quite difficult.

I also lost a total of 12 pounds while I was not eating, and I think I have gained a couple of them back. I am going to try and keep the rest off, but several people have told me that I am too skinny. A greater number have said I look "sooo much better". Ok, first of all - THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT! I know what you are going for by saying that, but really, did I look that bad before? Since I am a nice guy, I let it go and take it the way they mean it - I am more healthy looking now that I have dropped a couple of pounds. No matter - I think I look better now, too.

Thanks for everyone who prayed, etc., for me and please know that I appreciated it!

Ok, one political note: Are politicians (Illinois and Federal) getting dumber or just caring less about the populace? Illinois is in shambles and can't take care of its citizens (the needy, the children, the addicted, or the afflicted and those state workers who care for those people) because the guys in charge (all of one party) can't stop complaining about how bad the budget is long enough to have a few fresh ideas of how to bring in more money. Here's an idea - make Illinois a state where businesses and people want to go because there's opportunity to make a buck! Really, is it that complicated?

Let me think... Oh, I don't know - freeze state spending increases for three or four years, kick out anyone here illegally, freeze ALL legislator's pay for 8 years, eliminate centralized state purchases and encourage local buys, lower tax rates on all businesses, encourage business incubators through tax credits for start up businesses for five years after incubation ends, eliminate all state taxes on businesses which make less than $50,000 or employ fewer than 4 people, eliminate the Illinois Interstate Compact (a probation thing most of you have no idea what they do - and neither do I - except making coffee for trainings) and lastly, annex Missouri. After all, we sure don't want Indiana!

Don't even get me started on Gate-gate, $ for Clunkers, Health Care, or Honduras.

Home Sweet Home

I came back from Barnes yesterday. I like to say that St. Louis was not big enough for both me and the President - so I had to leave. (Really, was it worth having him throw out the meaningless first pitch for all the trouble he caused with the traffic in St. Louis? I-64 is already partially closed for construction, the roads around Busch Stadium were closed earlier due to the parade and Fan Fest, I-64 from the bridge to 14th street was closed beginning at 5pm through the end of the game. Then you add Pres. Ego and his rolling road blocks to get him from Lambert Airport to the All-Star game 2 hours ahead of game time and it was a traffic nightmare. On a side note: did you hear all the boos when he was announced? Must be those "stimulated" fans!)

Whew... I feel better now in so many ways.
Ok, what was wrong with me was a laundry list of ailments which in non-immune compromised patients would have not happened or would have just been like a bout with the flu. One of the Doctors I saw at Barnes said that I was lucky - often transplanted patients with Erhlictiosis (tick disease) end up in the ICU and are sometimes septic. I guess I was lucky after all.

Today, I played with Luke, went to the pharmacy and ran by my workplace to say "hi" and to turn in my doctor's note. I am off work until Monday which seems far off, but after just doing those few chores, I was exhausted and took a 3 hour nap after lunch. I feel like I just can't catch up on enough sleep. All of my co-workers have commented on how skinny I am now. I guess losing 12 lbs in a 12 day period is kind of dramatic. Now what did I do with those "skinny" pants?!

Thanks to everyone for praying, checking up on me, posting on Facebook, driving me, e-mailing me, babysitting, buying magazines/books, sitting with me, buying subs/milkshakes, and in general being concerned for my well-being. Thanks Christy!

I really do appreciate it and will try and tell you thank you in person when I see you.... if I can stay awake long enough.

This Time I Mean It - I Am Getting Better

Well, I am writing the blog from the 10th Floor of Barnes Hopital. It has been a long 10 day stretch for me and those near me. I believe I can safely say, the worst is behind me. I knew I was sick, but I didn't really grasp it until Thursday when I literally fell into bed after a quick shower saying "I think I am going to die". At that point, I was soon to be headed to the ER for the 3rd time in the week and was determined to not be dicharged home until I was well.

I spent a couple days in the Carbondale hospital until being discharged to Barnes Hospital so my Dr and the Post-Transplant team could watch over me. They are an amazing group of Drs who will research drug interactions to the nth degree before giving us renal patients a drug. That is not something that happens at the local hospital... they just don't think of that stuff.

I was transported to Barnes via ambulance yesterday afternoon. That was not a fun ride - fast - but not fun. Anyway, after another round of tests (many of which C'dale hospital had already done) they determined that my numbers were headed in the right direction. I have had 3 chest xrays, 2 ultrasounds, 2 CT Scans, 4 cultures, and more viles of blood collected from me than I can remember. I am so happy, though. My arm is a pincushion and I finally got a shower and shave. (Think Tom Hanks in Castaway)

My Pancreas is working like is supposed to again, my liver enzymes and kidney functions are returning to normal as well. I am feeling much improved and the fever has been gone now for 41 hours. No they are trying to determine exactly what casused this whole thing and I wonder that too.

I should be coming home in a day or two. And I can't wait to eat a Quatros Pizza with some cold ice cream. I finally started eating late last night for my first real meal in 9 days.

Thanks for your prayers.

I'm Getting Better...I Think

From the title of this blog, you kind of know where I'm headed. It's kind of like Weekend at Bernie's II.... you know the outcome, it's just the middle part that might throw you a curve.

Well, after last night's blog I was doing pretty well. The fever went down to normal for a few hours and then at 9am this morning it shot up to 101.3 again. I suffered for a few hours and decided it was time to call the big Dr in St Louis. My doctor up there is 1) the head of the renal department at Barnes, and 2) one of the leading renal dr's in the nation. I think the world of him despite never seeing him anymore since I am just a checkup patient. He normally only sees those who have just received a transplant and follows them for about a year. That's when the real doctoring takes place because so many things could go wrong and the meds have to be constantly adjusted to find what works best.

So...I called StL and spoke to the Kidney Transplant Nurse and told her what was going on. I explained that I felt like I was not getting any better and that the current course of action was not helping me. She gave me several options. I explained that I dont want options - just tell me what to do. (I get very stupid when I am sick! Talk to me like I am 5 years old.) She said to return to the ER in Carbondale and get re-evaluated and to have the Carbondale ER doctor to call Dr. Brennan in St. Louis to consult about what course of action to take. And if needed I could be admitted to Carbondale or tranferred to Barnes.

Well, I ended up back in the ER where the nurses and xray techs were wonderful. The Doctor was condescending to me, had not checked out my chart prior to entering the exam room, and actually told me that my local Dr had the same knowledge as my StL doctor - that "knowledge is knowledge". I about fell out of the gurney.

Well, after an IV antibiotic and another bag of fluids - I started perking up. My temp went down to normal and has been that way for 8 hours. I am starting to feel like my normal self and I hope my energy (and balance) returns, too.

One thing popped into my mind this weekend while I was in bed. I was very sick when Elvis died, too. Is it me getting sick that kills the current biggest performer, or them dying makes me sick.... hummmmm.

Im not out of the woods, but the treeline is in view!

Still Sick... Very Sick

It's 2am and I am feeling pretty good for the first time today.

My diagnosis from the "cute" doctor was not exactly right. I ended up going to the ER yesterday when my temperature stayed over 101 and got an IV of fluids and diagnosed with tonsillitis and possibly a tick-borne disease. I am on antibiotics now, but they said I may have one more day of fever before I start feeling better. One of the other things going on is my liver and kidney functions are slightly abnormal. My kidney Dr in Carbondale seems to think those numbers are only due to my dehydration and my body working overtime to fight the disease. I hope he's right. I am getting this whole week off work to recuperate.

Yesterday I got very stir-crazy and frantic when I was feverish (102) and that kind of scared me. I was just sure that I would end up in the hospital for a biopsy or something.

One of the problems is making sure my kids stay away from me - after all - them getting this is the LAST thing I want! Amanda wanted me so badly tonight and it was so hard to not hug her.


I have now been sick 4, going on 5 days. Here's what I have learned.
1)Sickness Sucks!
2)Drinking water nonstop has several bad side effects.
3)My Co-Workers are awesome.
4)My gf has been awesome too.
5)There's only so many ways to lay in a bed.
6)I have a newfound respect for Cindy's 14 months of laying in that bed with nothing to do but worry, stew, flop around and pray.

I will let you know when I get better. I's 2:30 now... starting to get the chills again. Better get back to my wonderful bed.

Still Sick

Still Sick

Why Must I Get Sick Now?

It just goes to reason that if you say you are not sick...Whamo! You get sick. That's what has happened to me. I woke up this morning feeling bad and it never improved with a 3 hour nap and I even started to run a low-grade fever. (Luke was napping too, and Amanda was gone.)

Well, the good news is it is not West Nile, Rocky Mtn Spotted Fever, N1H1, Bird Flu, Cat Flu, Mongoose Flu, or Strep. It's just viral crap. I think that was the cute doctor's diagnosis. (It was a female doctor - just to clarify! I don't want to mistakenly be thought of as gay... like my supervisor was! That's what Richard gets for wearing a "corn-something blue" shirt!)

But this sickness is occurring during my favorite time of the year. I love warm weather. I love summer. I love warm nights and star gazing. My favorite memories are from summers at the lake, trips to the zoo, baseball games all over Southern Illinois, cruising with the radio up and windows down, fireworks (legal and illegal) and outdoor concerts in St. Louis.

I am adding a special time tomorrow to remember what this holiday is all about. It seems that what was fought for... independence from an overly repressive central government...is under attack again. I don't know what's going to happen here in America - "universal" healthcare, energy/banking/automotive mandates, much higher taxes, and weakening of the greatest fighting force in the history of the world - but it seems to me that any of these would NOT be what our founding fathers signed up to get.

I found the following paragraphs in a Glenn Beck letter to America posted today... I want to share a short page from it. It's what got me to thinking about tomorrow. Please read it despite what you think of that goofball Glenn. (I have an affection for guys who are goofballs!)

Of the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence:

Five were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes burned to the ground. Two lost sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, and two more had sons captured. Nine fought and died in the Revolutionary War.

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists, eleven were merchants, and nine were farmers and large plantation owners. They were well educated, smart enough to know that by signing the Declaration of Independence, they were signing their own death warrants. They did it anyway, and God bless them for it.

As we enjoy our liberty on this 4th of July, or any day of any month, we must never take that liberty for granted. Too many have given too much. In the words of the Signers themselves, "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

~Glenn Beck

Have a Happy Independence Day! Now let's go to Reeve's Boomland!

Too Much Celebrity Info!

So much that's going on in life right now (irresponsible congress, pitbull attacks, continual heat wave, increasing gas prices, clueless clients, etc) have gotten my goat so much lately I just had to write a light-hearted blog before I blew my brains out. I am doing very well lately.... it's just been too hectic to write.


I am glad I am not a celebrity.

I have been in a couple of "celebrity" events but my level of celebrity-ness was actually quite lame. I once played on the TV3 softball team because I was a weather-watcher for them before they moved to Crainville and the weatherman offered his at bat to me. This was pre-Jim Rasor. My second round of celebritocity (I like making up words) was playing on a celebrity basketball team in a fund-raiser. It was during my WGGH radio days and I am sure I was the least known player on the "celebrity" team. (Like I said... pretty lame.)

I did get a certain "following" of senior citizens and home schoolers during my radio career but they were mostly well-behaved when I was out doing a remote broadcast or concert appearance. There was a time when I was backed into a corner by a lady in a walker, but I think that was purely accidental!

I can't imagine the lack of privacy stars of today have to deal with, but then again, they make enough money to jettison to a location where they are unknown. Or, they can hole up in one of their houses behind the large gate guarded by a guy named "Tiny".

Then your family has to deal with the speculation of your possible sordid hidden life once you die. I know more about Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, Farrah Faucet, and now the Oxyclean guy than I ever thought possible. And I am not even trying to find out the dirt. (I leave that stuff to my 8-4 job!)

Although, I have to admit, the limelight is kinda fun.... even if that light is dim.

What's the Score, Dad?

Aren't doctor offices great? I used to always get sick after going to my doctor for a checkup. That really makes you want to go! Recently, I thought I had kicked that pattern, but guess what? I had my yearly checkup in St. Louis with my kidney doctor yesterday. Everything is where it is supposed to be number-wise with my blood work. But the downside of the trip was that I came back sick. UGH!!! There should be a "never sick in summer" rule. Even Amanda said that you can't get a cold in the summer. She said it - so now it's a rule. Luckily this "non-cold" has only a low grade fever, runny nose, watery eyes, aches... you know, typical Swine Flu stuff. Just kidding. Just sick enough to not go to work, but not too sick to have to be in bed all day. I am never going to the doctor when I am well again! Only kidding.

Amanda's softball playing is improving with each game. I am helping to coach her team. I have resigned myself to the fact that she won't take instructions from me on the field. And that is ok. She actually caught (let roll into her glove correctly) three balls that were hit to her in her last game. You really can't call them games, though. In my mind, games have winner/losers, runs, outs, and a certain amount of competition. This is coach pitch/tee ball. Everyone bats, everyone plays the field, everyone gets to run all the bases, there are no outs, and no strikeouts. I'm old school... you play to win... at all ages.

The upside is that there's no yelling/fighting by the parents!

I Can Hear You Now

First I want to clarify. Verizon is now giving a break to those of us who lost phone service after the May 8th storm. My land line phone service was restored on May 28th. My neighbor called and after punching through several prompts was able to speak with a live, human being who worked for Verizon customer relations. Their first question was "did you call in the outage?" Are you kidding me? He said to Verizon "We kind of had a big storm go though, so I thought you were aware of our problems."

He said his "break" amounts to $8. Wow... that's like what - $ .40 per day? Yeah, that's fair.


Our church celebrated its 50th Anniversary today. I love my church. I wish I could do more for it.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Ok, here’s a quick wrap up on what’s been going on at my house.

I finally got my landline phone back to working yesterday. Verizon replaced about 10 poles and probably a quarter mile of line to get my neighborhood back in phone service which had been out since the big storm earlier this month. I also learned today that Verizon is not going to cut us a break by pro-rating our phone bills for the time we did not have service. I also learned that Verizon has been bought out and we will soon be getting a new phone company. Kind of explains their slow response after the storm, not giving us a break on our bills and not upgrading the local phone lines to allow highspeed internet! (I miss GTE!!!)

Work has been crazy. I am not sure if it’s possible and I don’t believe in that wacky "aura" stuff but I swear that ever since that storm (whatever it was) went through, Southern Illinois and its residents - including me - have been altered about 15 degrees. Now, you have to know that people in Southern Illinois are already about 15 degrees off plumb, so now we are really cockeyed! (Maybe it’s the influx of tree trimmers from every corner of the country or the generator fumes we all inhaled for 6 days or that everyone was eating questionably safe food out of coolers in the aftermath of the storm.) Whatever the cause... and I am not alone in this assessment... things are just different.

Oh, and the cat got sick shortly after the power returned. We don’t have a cat carrier so I wrapped up the cat in one of Luke’s blankets and the four of us headed to the vet’s office across town after dropping Luke at a friend’s home. $275 later and a Rx for some medicine which I ended up squirting on my shirt in a feeble attempt at shooting it down Ally’s throat, I learned that she just had a UTI and that I needed to change her cat food. The Vet actually sent me home with "special" litter in order to collect urine from Cindy’s (!) cat. I have my limits and waiting for a cat to pee is where I draw the line!!! (I hope Ally enjoyed her last trip ever to the vet!)

True story: One Sunday afternoon I was reading the paper and checking out the coupons to see if there were any that we really couldn't pass up. I told Cindy, "Does Ally need cat food? Puppy Chow is on sale." She said, "Puppy Chow is on sale?" I said, "YES! Puppy Chow is on sale." She said, "Puppy Chow???" I said, "What don't you understand? PUPPY CHOW IS ON SALE." She said, "PUPPY chow??? WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!? WE HAVE A CAT!!!" I'm really not as smart as everyone thinks.

To answer another question that had come up in a previous blog entry - yes, I am dating someone. She is a wonderful, understanding woman who has helped smooth out my life, adores my kids and makes me happy.

‘nough said.

Hurricane Saluki/MCV (Mesocyclonic Vortex)

I know it's been a while since I wrote on this blog.... and there's a good reason. Hurricane Saluki. Actually we have learned that we didnt have an actual hurricane come through Southern Illinois, but rather something else. Whatever it was, it was bad.

As a result, I was without power from Friday (two weeks ago) until this past Friday. I am still without landline service which they are promising to have repaired by May 23rd. (Apparently they are unaware of the large phone wire that is laying on the ground about 2 blocks away. Boy is that repairman going to be surprised.)

Anyway, the worse storm to ever hit Southern Illinois since the Great Tornado is history but the devastation and clean up remains.

I will write you more after my phone service is restored... I am using my girlfriend's wireless laptop to get this one to you.

Did I forget to mention something previously???? Oh, look at the time...more later.

Random Musings and Rants

Ok. Enough with the rain already!!!!

If Texas secedes from the Union, would the Texans and Cowboys have to secede from the National Football League?

Favorite new quote: "Failure is only success in finding out what doesn’t work."

People have an opinion on everything... just ask ‘em!

Why are we not driving flying cars yet?

Why am I sticking with the Padres as my favorite baseball team when I can’t name more than 2 players on the team this year? Oh yeah... because I still hate the Cubs and Cardinals!

Why am I so tired?

I like doing nothing. But doing something is more rewarding.

Friends who don’t like something, but understand why you are doing it are the best.

I find those who have to "one up" your story to be very annoying and will avoid them at all cost.

I am so proud of people who are willing to quit their current job to return to school and change the course of their lives. (Like quitting a Probation Officer job to go to law school to become a lawyer.... or something.)

My dream job would entail talking before large groups of people... I love speaking in public. My toast last week at my brother’s wedding reception was off the top of my head with little preparation. I should Utube it.

I hope the Republicans can get someone young and articulate to step up to the plate by 2012. (JC Watts?)

Some people just don’t know when to keep their mouths closed!

I really feel "stimulus-"ed. I am still loving this "change!"

Are You Ever Not Happy?

There’s something to be said about "genius". It comes in many shapes. My daughter correctly and on cue will finish the following statement by saying "a genius!" - "My dad is _______." She is so smart and insightful!

Tonight Amanda, my mother and I went to Paducah for the final concert of the "United" tour with Michael W. Smith (MWS) and Steven Curtis Chapman (SCC). It was an early Mother’s Day present for my mother and was Amanda’s first real concert with lights and smoke and loud music. Amanda was quite taken with the whole experience and was very much into the light designs and smoke. I was very much looking forward to this concert as these guys had never sung together prior to this tour.

I may be a genius in Amanda’s eyes, but these two guys are real geniuses when it comes to musical talent and writing songs. It is fun to watch people who are that good do what they do best.

The other part of the concert experience was an overwhelming sense that Cindy would have LOVED it! These two guys, next to Rich Mullins, were the guys that we had probably seen more often than any other Christian artist. It was during college that our campus ministry group went to the Rock Church in St. Peters, MO for a SCC concert. It was on the way back from the concert around 1am that I remember Cindy looking at me and saying "are you ever not happy?" (Cindy and I were not dating at the time.)

The concert took an especially emotional turn when Geoff Moore walked out to sing with SCC and MWS. Geoff Moore is a Christian singer who used to have a band named "Geoff Moore and the Distance" and they had an album out about 15 years ago which included the song "When All is Said and Done." That album, and specifically that song, was the last CD played in the hospice room immediately prior to Cindy’s flight to heaven. Needless to say, as soon as Geoff hit the stage, I was a sobbing advertisement for Kleenex.

And to answer the question that I know so many are wondering.... No, I didn’t get to meet the guys backstage. I was disappointed, too, but there’s always the golf tournament in August!

Courious George Makes Pancakes

I have a question for you Dr. Phil-wannabes and counselors. Should you put yourself into situations which you know will be emotionally painful, or should you avoid those situations all together when you can?

That scenario came about this weekend. Saturday I loaded up the kids and headed to two events that have long been a staple of the Howerton’s Spring. First, we went downtown and ate at the Lion’s Club (not to be confused with the Lion’s Den!!! Totally different - or so I have been told!!!) Pancake breakfast under the big tent. Amanda loooooves to do this event every year and this year the weather actually panned out and was absolutely beautiful except for the near gale force winds that blew all weekend. We always bring up the fact that they could have used Curious George to make the pancakes like in the book we read. This was Luke’s first trip, I think, and he will know now to look for the big blue and yellow tent next to the train tracks for a good breakfast. Next time, though, one of you have to come with me to help with the logistics of a stroller in grass, a fidgety boy, a girl with syrup-flavored hair while trying to navigate the trip to the table with 2 styrofoam plates, 4 pancakes, 4 links of sausage, 2 cartons of milk, and 2 packets of utensils while trying to explain that the tent was not going to fly off like a kite. (I learned that if I eat prior to going my stress level is much lower due to a full stomach.

After the adventure in pancake-land we went home prior to going to the Cardboard Boat Regatta at SIUC campus lake. This yearly event (which was started at SIU many years ago) was one that Cindy and I tried to go to every year. Most years it was either too cold or too rainy to make the trek to watch cardboard sink. Amanda reminded me that she and Cindy went there last year. I am sure the SIU Yard Sale at the Arena had something to do with that!

Anyway, this year I was fairly ok with going.... we were meeting friends and really didn’t think much about how emotional it might be until Amanda melted down on me just before we left for the lake. I calmed her down but I was upset because she had been upset. After we got there, this flood of emotions came over me.... it wasn’t just the cardboard that tugged at me... it was Bucky’s Dome pavilion. You see, that dome near Campus Lake was where I had proposed to Cindy. It was there that she said "I think I am going to throw up." It was there that I ended an argument and started the path that I am on now. I took Luke for a walk away from the group I was in and headed to the new walking pier on the lake. I totally blew off that group with no explanation and had a few quiet moments by myself. My apologies to the friends who I left wondering what was going on. I was mostly ok, until Amanda joined us for our walk and wanted the proposal story again as we walked by Bucky’s Dome.
Again, is it better to avoid those situations which are painful to the bone, or best to avoid those? I say if you can get through the pain... all the better. Pain equals memories and memories equals a life I was a part of.

After all I also enjoy eating pancakes under a big top, sinking cardboard, and geometrically shaped pavilions.

If Crack is Whack - What is Meth?

There are few things in life that I can’t endure. One thing though is a boring speaker, about an interesting topic, while I sit on hard, folding chairs. That was what I found myself enduring over the last two days.

I was at a drug conference about a topic in which I have an interest, but for some reason - maybe undiagnosed ADD - my attention span was the equivalent of a grass hopper. If grass hoppers have normal attention spans then I apologize to any grass hopper I may have offended. Guess I could have said, "wholly worms". Everyone knows they are real flakes!

This drug conference shed little new light on a subject that has been ebbing and flowing through our communities here in Southern Illinois. For those of you who don’t know - Meth (methamphetamine, ice, crank, etc.) was a really rampant drug about five years ago in these here parts. Now, the drug problem has changed to a prescription drug abuse epidemic. It was explained that this new phenomenon was a result of those individuals being addicted needing a fix and finding agreeable doctors willing to write a script.

Here’s a little eye-opener for you. If you have a Rx for something that is an Opiate (Vicadin, Ativan, Hydrocodone, Oxycontin, etc.) keep track of how many pills are in your bottle. The experts today said that the family medicine cabinet is the first place many kids are introduced to powerful pills that they have no business touching.

Pretty much after I was told what I already knew, my interest waned. And my butt got tired. Ironically, I found myself daydreaming about getting meth for personal use just to stay alert.

Any why do we not have a drug court in Jackson County???

The views expressed in the above blog are not necessarily those represented by the 1st Circuit Probation Department, the Judges of the 1st Circuit, or the presenters at the conference.

Listen Here, Par'ner.

I'm back. The trip that started this morning at 10:15am ended at 9pm.

My brother got married. It was beautiful. Amanda was the flower girl and did exactly what she was told to do and was an angel doing it.

My toast rocked - they laughed, I cried. We all got through it.

Kansas, despite every joke about how flat it is, was actually quite beautiful. (Little known fact about the Flint Hills area between Kansas City and Wichita - it is the WORLD's largest area of tall grass prairie. It was burned off earlier this spring to allow new growth grass to grow better so it was largely blackened. End of your geography lesson.) It is not flat like the rest of the prairie across central and northern Kansas... it is hilly and you can see cows and valleys for 20 miles in all directions. It was pretty but make no mistake... it's cowboy country.

I am so happy for my brother. It was an extremely emotional time for me. I was pretty well composed until I thought of my own wedding during the rehearsal. I again teared up during the actual wedding when my daughter, all 5 years old but looking 15 came down the isle and I thought how big the smile Cindy would have had as she watched her "big girl". I wanted to hug Amanda at the end of the isle as she stood with the bride's maids. But I didn't.

That would have been one of many future "oh, Dad" moments.

Life is a Highway

I am currently prepping for my brother's wedding. It took 10... 11 hrs to get to Wichita... and only 2 stops at McDonalds. Amanda was great on the trip. Thank God for inventing portable DVDs and for Disney for putting their movies on DVD! Oh yeah, and to Hannah Montana for putting out a CD. (I heard "Hoedown Throwdown" about 10 times.)

Today I have to work on my "best man speech" today. Now if I can only summarize 38 yrs of my experience with my brother in about 5 minutes. I think I will start with "Once upon a time..." Maybe that's due to all those movies I just heard in the car on the way here.

I will be coming back on Sunday... If the extremely boring drive through Kansas and Missouri doesn't kill me.

Not A Mean Bone In My Body

If you read yesterday’s blog, you might have gotten the impression that I was actually quite mad at a certain co-worker of mine. I can understand that. It’s hard to hear the "tone" that something is written when you just see the words on a screen. I was completely joking about being mad at my co-worker. I can not be mad at her - well, I could be - but not about this. (There I go again!)

The outcome of my boss hearing about my "boring" comment was that the "boring" meeting ended with him saying "everyone who finds my meetings entertaining, enlightening and worthwhile may start their long weekend now. For the one who finds it boring, they can stay around and we will discuss it." I laughed. A lot!

He was not mad and neither was I. My blog yesterday was my small attempt at retaliation.... All in fun!

I will, however, not talk to Michelle (aka: Loose Lips #2) ever again.

At least until Monday.

Inside The Meeting

Now I normally don’t write about particular people... unless they are in my house... and once about the President... But I want to briefly sidetrack the "norm" and write about just one person.

Do not... ever... tell Michelle Carruthers anything unless you want my boss to know it, too. (If you know her - I’m sorry. If you don’t know her - consider yourself lucky.) Now I am not normally one to be so mean. But come on! If you say (jokingly) that your boss’s meetings are normally, I think I said, "boring", and the office’s AA (previously considered a friend) hears it - wouldn’t you expect your (former) friend to understand that is NOT SOMETHING YOU RELAY TO THE BOSS!!!

In the dictionary I would swear under the definition for "boring" that I have seen it read "see: Meeting". It wasn’t a personal dig on my boss... whom I hope is still a friend and is not a reader of this blog... but rather (in jest) a comment on the normal experience of sitting through a meeting. Any meeting.

But, I should have known better. I will revenge this betrayal. I am not sure how or when. But I will. Oh yes, I will.

But I still love her... after all, she is one of my two "work wives".

How We Are Fairing

I thought it was about time for another update on how we are doing. Cindy has been in heaven now for 5 months. (My calendar reflects that Oct 29th is her Trip to Heaven Anniversary rather than Death Anniversary. For me, that is a better reminder of how she finally was freed of cancer.)

Amanda is growing so fast. She just went through another growth spurt and she is now 4' tall. She is solid and quickly getting too big to put on my shoulders or to lift up. I just signed her up for summer softball in Carbondale. You will be able to spot her - she will be the best player on the field in pink. Games start in April. She is excited because I am taking her and my mom to the Michael W. Smith/Steven Curtis Chapman concert on April 30th in Paducah. The guy I met in Franklin, TN, who knows MWS might come to the Paducah concert and if he does promised to take us back to meet Michael. Amanda is very excited about that possibility. (Almost as much as her dad.) She will also be the flower girl at my brother's wedding in Wichita on April 18th.

Luke is putting up to three words together. "Daddy move back." "Lukie do it." "St. Louis Big Arch." Those are just some of the phrases he can actually say. Oh, and he can count to four. He turns 2 next week and is all boy. He likes dump trucks, backhoes, fire engines, diggers, mounds of dirt or rocks, and sirens. He is the pickiest eater I have ever seen... since me! Luke is not traveling to the wedding. It's just too hard on everyone.

Joe is frustrated at work like never before. Our computer program has been down since about 9am on Monday. Apparently, there's a wire... somewhere... which is not labeled.... which needs to be switched to another place..... and that might fix the problem.... but they don't know. In the mean time, I can't enter notes, send appointment letters, change client's info, prepare violation reports, check to see if someone is my client or not, or much of anything useful. I am so glad we are going "paperless"!

As far as emotionally/mentally I think we are doing great. There's still not a day go by that I don't cry at some point about missing Cindy. The cries are of shorter duration and seem to come around in the evenings more than mornings. I still have a hard time hauling my behind to bed at a decent hour. I think that is part genetic and part mental. I have always been a night owl and Day Joe doesn't seem to mind being a little tired to make room for Night Joe staying up. Amanda is still very good about this whole new life that we have started.

I have never been really angry with God over Cindy's dying. Sad, aimless, lost, confused, tired, and stretched, but not "angry." Does not being angry make me a strong Christian? No. Does that make it sound like I am callous? I hope not - cause I am not. I think I have been able to accept what happens in life and move on due to all the "crap" I have had to deal with in my first 38 years of life. See my profile if you would like to see why I say "crap". (And there has been more to deal with than what I posted in my profile.)

Keep praying for us as we continue to adjust and move forward. Thanks.

You Might Be Outta Shape If...

you pull a muscle... bowling! Yep, you read it correctly. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point in the middle of the first game I realized that my right leg (I am left handed) was not wanting to do that little slide step at the end of the approach right before you release the bowling ball. I also noticed that if I tried to force myself to do it... um... something... in my butt region yelled out, "Are you frickin’ kiddin’ me?" I then said to myself, "Are you frickin’ kidding me?"

I ended up bowling a 113. That’s about 35 pins below what I normally bowl, you know, when my butt is in top shape. Don't worry, it's feeling all better now. We did have fun joking whether or not I needed to tape it up - or get a cortisone shot - or... well, that's all I will share in a G-rated blog!

I think there’s a certain skill level involved, though, to pull a butt muscle bowling. Hey, at least I wasn’t wearing one of those cheesy bowling shirts with an ad on the back like that team next to me! Oh, wait, that was my boss' team.... They looked soooo cool - if it were 1957.

FORE x2!!!!!!

So one golf lesson is in the books.

Lance, the instructor, asked what my history with golf was and I told him the truth- 2 times to the driving range in my life. He said I was holding out on how much I had actually played. He said my swing was much better than a true beginner. I bet he says that to everyone.

Anyway, I did fairly well and actually hit a couple balls. And they were almost straight.

Nobody likes to hear about someone else's golf game, so I will spare you the further details - unless you wanna hear them!

I will tell you this - I am soooo sore. I am not as young as I think I am and these weekend warrior outings are really hard to take. And on top of the golf swing soreness, I will have bowling soreness after Saturday.

And to add insult to injury my arms are not nearly long enough for my eyesight anymore. I used to make fun of "old" people who had to do arm-stretch reading. But not anymore! Getting old is really ticking me off!

FORE!!!!!!

Tomorrow... Thursday.... March 26th, 2009.... I am no longer "Joe". From that day forward, I will be "Joe - the golfer".

I know, it's really no big deal. A lot of people golf. A lot of people chase a little white ball around a big green pasture with trees and sand and call it golf. I am now a "golfer".

I don't know if I will be any good. I can hold my own on most miniature golf courses.... but I hear that real golf is a little different. Give me a giant windmill to navigate and I am good. How much harder can real golf be???

Anyway, I have some clubs, six lessons coming, a bag, some shorts, a little rusty athletic ability, and the motivation to be good enough to not embarrass myself by August.

You might want to stay clear of the giant swinging pencil, though. And if anyone asks - I am doing it for the "excercise"!

If My Hypothesis Is Correct...

Awhile back - I don't know if it was on this blog or in the mass emails I used to send out to update everyone about Cindy - I talked about how the phrase "God will not give you more than you can handle" could be interpreted a different way.

Basically, I had hypothesized that I would rise to the occasion or someone would step up to help when I was at the point where I could not handle things myself. If God wanted me to get through something, (and he does want us to succeed) He would supply the means to get through it. It would either be something that I could actually handle myself, or someone would step into the picture to address the need at the moment I needed help.

Let me tell you something. My hypothesis is correct. Wholly, correct. Now I don't want to brag - cause my actual contributions are quite small - but it is amazing what a 38 yr old guy can do when he has to. Let me correct something. My hypothesis never mentions that it would be "easy". Far from it. I would not even classify what I am going through as controllable or pleasant. And I like control of things I am involved in. Raising two kids with two parents is not easy either- it goes with the territory.

Now back to that hypothesis. I have seen that my abilities as a (now single) dad have increased. I still have trouble with the whole idea of preparing things in advance - like valentines... or school snacks... or picture orders... or clothes for the next day. After all... I am still a guy and we just don't think that way. Luckily I hit the jackpot when it came to in-laws. They have saved my butt more than a few time. I have quite a few other people who have stepped up to take the kids off my hands when time alone is needed or a lunch/dinner invite when I don't even ask. Anyway, I am making it though - the kids are making it though - we are making it though.

Only by the Grace of God!

BTW... done with the St. Patty's green. It's SPRING!

Stories of Mom Beginning Now

One of the reasons I started this blog was to help me. Writing stuff out seems to help with my thoughts and moods. Another reason was to hopefully allow those who read this blog to get an insight into the psyche of a younger (?) man who loses a wife and how he copes with raising kids, keeping a job and getting on with his life. And if there's someone else going through this same situation, maybe they too can find some help through my words.


I realized there's someone else I am leaving out of the loop. My kids. I want them to know who Cindy was... not just through the stories I can tell and the pictures we have taken, but also through the words I can write.


So... I have started writing Stories of Mom for the kids. Because of that, my blogging will be slowed a little. Don't think I have forgotten about you voyeurs/stalkers who read this blog. I will still be posting on here, but I really want to write this other thing for the kids.

Hope you understand and I will keep these blogs coming. After all, this blog is where I do my heavy mental lifting and bulldoze the cobwebs of my mental thesaurus.

Multiple Shots to the Heart

When do you stop beating yourself up? Do you stop before or after you are bruised? That’s just one of many things going through my mind lately. For those of you who know me, that will come as a surprise. "Joe has thoughts? Wow! Who knew!"

The last couple of days have been a real struggle despite my recent optimistic look on things. The kids (I love them more than I ever thought humanly possible) have been...challenging. Mander is really testing boundaries and then when pressed, apologizes "to never, ever do it again." Luker is cutting (what I hope) are his last several baby teeth and is grouchy, stubborn, and full of fits. He is also addicted to the "truck" video. Amanda picked out two DVDs as Valentines for Luke - one all about construction equipment and the other about fire trucks. The challenge with those DVDs is just how many times I can stand watching those same videos prior to my brain oozing out of my ears. Thankfully, there’s no purple dinosaur or singing kids anywhere in the DVD.

I know that dealing with kids comes with the territory of being a parent. When that kid contract was signed at the hospital to take my kids home, I knew what I was signing and what it entailed. However, I remember seeing two lines on that contract, and I signed it second! (If there only were a contract!)

I am not looking for sympathy. That is NOT what this blog is about. I am just writing. I know I have written on this topic before. But guess what? I am still beating myself up about how I am doing as a parent. I love being a dad. I have said that before. I just wonder - am I doing this right? Am I too hard on Amanda? Probably. Am I too easy on Luke? Probably. Is Amanda strong because she doesn’t want to upset me? After all, she is the one who wipes my tears away when she see them falling down my cheek. When you have someone to bounce problems off of your decisions are easier to regulate and just plain easier to make. Everyone knows daughters can wrap dads around any of their ten little fingers and still have nine fingers left for more wrapping. I have a hard time being stern with Amanda. She seems so fragile and I don’t want to "scar" her any further. Well-meaning people keep telling me that "kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for." I know that is true. But what if Amanda and Luke are the exceptions?

In professional boxing, there’s no headgear. In amateur boxing, they have head gear and a belt to protect from low blows. Unfortunately, raising kids is the big time - no safety gear is provided.

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In a side note, today at church I signed the communication card (to show attendance, prayer requests, address/phone change, etc.) "Joe & Cindy". I didn't catch what I wrote for about 10 minutes. Some habits are hard to break.

Time Heals - Slowly

I had a blog all written out Wednesday evening that was all ready for publishing. It really wasn’t good, but I thought I should put something up so you wouldn’t think I had stopped blogging, or had fallen from the face of the earth. It was about people watching and how there’s no better place to people watch than in a courtroom. If people’s lives weren’t in the balance with every decision it would be more fun. I don’t want to write about that - although if you get a chance, find out when status hearing day is scheduled, take a bag of popcorn (not really), and enjoy the show. I guarantee you will hear stuff you only get in real life dramas!

But that’s not what I am going to write about. I wanted to write about me. Sometimes, I write about my life, or my family, or my work. Sometimes I get frustrated with this current life. I have had several people ask me lately how I am doing. Before I would lie and say "ok" or "as well as I can be." Now I can honestly say, "I am doing well."

I have a routine now. I can handle the kids alone for extended periods of time if need be. ( I still prefer one at a time!) I have an understanding now of the bills and their scheduled payments. I am starting to get to sleep at a reasonable hour on most nights. Fixing dinner is not as exhausting. I have lost enough weight that some are starting to notice - couple of inches on the belt, so far. (Not trying to lose any, but it’s just happening.) Bed time is do-able. Work is under control and fun again (although one situation is not pleasant, but that is another story.) (I was in such a good mood that I decided I would call EVERYONE minus clients "Butter Cup" one day this past week. It was so much fun. Try it!)

I am determined to take up golf and become good enough to not embarrass myself. I have other fun things planned - Luke’s birthday party in April, kite-flying with Amanda, going out with friends - old and new, Miners' games in the summer, and another attempt at a Michael W. Smith concert in April. I have even added a couple of new CDs to my collection that are awesome. (TobyMac's Portable Sounds is my new all-time fav.)

What does all this mean? Time heals - slowly, but surely. I still have my moments - like earlier tonight with Amanda during bed time. I miss Cindy. Amanda misses Cindy. I told her tonight how proud I was of the way she is handling all that she has gone through. Then completely unprovoked she said, "but you know what, Dad? Maybe when me and you and Luke are still alive Jesus will come back and mom might be with Him." I said that she might be. Amanda then said, "Or, she might be back at her room getting the fruit ready. That is what I would do, I would be picking all the fruit that’s just inside the gate for the big feast."

Of course, this is the same five year old girl who said to me this morning over breakfast, "Do you know ‘99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?" And when I asked if she knew what beer was she replied, "Well, yeah. It’s a drink that has caffeine in it. That is why I don’t drink it!"

Oh, Waiter!

Ok, I'm back to writing about life as a single dad and away from griping about those assaulting the building blocks that made America great.

I have not had a "plan" on a Saturday for quite a while. My last Saturday "plan" was probably one that was dictated to me by my lovely wife. Today, I had a plan. It wasn’t elaborate, but it was adventuresome. At least for us. Here’s what the plan was.... 1) Make breakfast (waffles), 2) let the kids watch some TV, 3) clean the kitchen, 4) start award-winning chili, 5) load up the kids in the car, 6) stop by mom’s and retrieve some really, really old Hot Wheels track, 7) shop at Target in Marion, 8) eat at Steak n Shake, 9) return home for naps/rests. Isn’t that enough by 1pm?

I know, I know, half of you are saying, "that’s my typical Saturday!" The other half of you are probably saying "what award?"

Everything went well and according to the "plan". My only complaint was at Steak n Shake. On the weekends now they let kids eat free. Quite a deal. Unfortunately, I got ticked off, right off the bat. Our waiter "assumed" that someone else was joining us. Now, I have worked in the restaurant business - but never as a waiter - and I do know a few things about it. First of all, don’t assume. You ask. I have eaten by myself numerous times before and since Cindy’s death and this is the first time someone assumed that I would have someone else coming to eat with us. For some reason, that rubbed me the wrong way. Seriously, wrong. I just couldn't believe he had the nerve to think that someone else had to be coming.

Maybe he thought someone would be joining me because I was with the kids. Yeah, that’s it. I think this whole incident was an indictment of the waiter... He would have had to have a woman help wrangle two kids at a restaurant. He never would have taken his kids out to eat by himself, therefore NO ONE would do it. Yeah, he was the guy who never took his kids off his wife’s hands for a night to let her get away with her friends. I bet he’s divorced. I bet he lives alone in a single apartment on the south side of Marion. (Disclaimer: Not that there’s anything wrong with that part of Marion!) I bet he left his wife with the kids every chance he got to go play pool at Hurley’s. (Disclaimer #2: I have only heard that you can play pool at Hurley’s. Apparently there’s other things that go on there, but that is strictly hearsay!)

Oh, and he didn’t give us silverware, there was not catsup on the table and Amanda didn’t get her applesauce that she ordered. But hey, the kids ate for free!

And to answer the question from above, I won 2nd place at the ‘07 Grand Avenue Christian Church Fall Round Up Chili Cook-Off (GACCFRUCCO for short.) I think the prize was a $10 gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond.

Why Should I Pay Your Mortgage?

Now I normally don’t get all political on this blog. I rode Rod B. pretty hard on occasion, but I don’t believe I was alone on that one! (Think he knows the term "crap weasel?" Friends reference.) At SIUC, I majored in Administration of Justice (hence a career in Probation!) and minored in Political Science (hence what I am writing about tonight).

Being born when I was (1970), my first foggy memories of anything political was President Ford. I remember President Carter and his brother Billy. Wasn’t there a story about a rabbit, or some kind of animal involving the Carters? Anyway, I remember nothing about Vietnam, nothing about the protests and vaguely the run on gas in the ‘70s. I remember my dad saying, "Reagan will never serve out his term." It was my dad who didn’t make it. I remember watching the evening news nearly every night wondering what all that doom and gloom was really about and thinking that everything must be wrong.

What I don’t remember is Americans being so upset with their government and having so little say to stop what is going on. I also don’t remember so many who were "mesmerized" by a political figure as is happening with President B.H.O. I am one of those evil "right-wingers" so if you are left-leaning you will probably dismiss what I am saying right off the bat.
Here’s what I overheard yesterday at Pizza Hut in Murphysboro, IL from three senior citizens who I eaves-dropped on.

Woman 1: "Can you believe that bill that they passed. Did you see what they
are going to do with some of that money?"
Woman 2: "I am so @#$% mad. I don’t
get it. They are not even sure if the @#$ thing is going to work. And why in the
#$% should I pay a #$% cent so someone else can stay in their #$% house that
they couldn’t afford in the first place. This @#%$ has got to stop."
Woman 1: "I am scared. I have never been this concerned about the future than I am today. But I know one thing. He better not touch my #$% Social Security. I worked #@$ hard for that money and it better be there."
Man 1: Didn’t say a thing. He kept eating. Obviously a very smart man.

I have overheard this same conversation (sometimes even without the curse words) at grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants and in homes for the past couple of months. So much has "changed" in this nation in the last 6 months - all because of a "crisis" - I don’t recognize this country as the one I grew up in. It used to be that in hard times, the President would come on the TV and say something like, "We as Americans are the best workers in the world. We can overcome this through hard work, perseverence and a tenacity that made this country the envy of the world. Our best days are ahead." I am not hearing that now. What we hear now as President O flies over all over the country is if you are not working it’s no big deal. I have a plan to "help" you through this "crisis". We’ll give you money for your mortgage and pay you more to have more kids. We are going to raise taxes and give money from people who have a job and are making ends meet to those of you who aren’t. Those of you who have been looking for work, we are going to give a ton of money to the big unions (UAW has something like $1.3 billion in assets) and they will hire you. Oh, and we are still telling the auto industry what vehicles to build and bank who to lend to and we’re coming after health care next.

Other than bombing and breaking things via the military, what has the government ever done well and economically sound? Social Security? Nope. Government-backed mortgages? NOPE! Schools? Nope! Transportation? Nope Welfare? Nope!!!! Why, then would we want to expand what they are in charge of?

What gets me is this... all of this money that is being printed to cover the spending (spendulous) bill has not addressed ANY of the core reasons why we are in the "crisis". There is an inevitable outcome when you print extra money like we are.... massive inflation. And when it hits it’s going to be very bad. The good news is that there’s a growing number of American’s who think like I do. They(we) are livid over our government over-reaching it’s boundaries and entering areas of everyday life that is now effecting our freedoms and liberties on a wide scale. For too long we have lived on a slippery slope. Luckily, that slope was not too steep. Now that slope is steep and greased.

And one more thing. I applaud the Republicans in the House and Senate (minus the 3 closet Democrats) for not voting for this bill. President O can say what he wants about "working" with the Republicans, but if it were that important for America, Republicans would have been first to sign it.

It hasn’t taken too long for me to recognize that all this "change" is not going to benefit me or America.

I Call Her A Mini-Me

As far as being a dad goes - I think I am doing pretty well. I love being a dad. I am one of those "hands on" dads. I love giving my kids "airplane" rides complete with turbulence. I love playing trains with Luke and cooking with Amanda. Is there a better feeling than when you first get home from work and you hear "daddy, daddy, daddy" from your two favorite people in the world as they run as fast as their growing legs can carry them? Is there any wonder I come home for lunch everyday? I love watching Luke’s brain try to figure out the best way to get me to forget about what I’m doing and to sit with him in the living room floor. I love Amanda’s 5 year old going on 11 brain attempting to argue the merits of whatever argument she is trying to win.

I love to watch Luke run from the kitchen sink to the play area (dinning room) 10 times in a row - all the while watching himself in the kitchen sliding glass door. Or, Amanda drawing or crafting or scrapbooking like her mom or ‘advanced’ coloring like her dad does.

I’m still amazed by Amanda and her ability to cope with this situation that our family is in. She is still pretty well adjusted. She has a few moments - nothing like before - where she is sad/angry. She still has me crying nearly every night during our prayers. She has now started to wear one of Cindy’s t-shirts as a night shirt. Nearly every night she says something like, "Do I look like mommy in this shirt?" With her curly hair, she could wear a box and still look like Cindy. As one of Cindy’s friends said - "she is a Mini-Me."

Some of Cindy’s childhood friends have authored and had printed a hard cover book of childhood memories of Cindy. It was one of the nicest gestures anyone has done for us. Amanda and I are slowly reading through that book each night before bed. I have heard some of the stories, but others are new even to me. Some are "don’t you dare do that" stories, while others are more benign. I am sure Amanda and Luke will get more out of the stories (and a few ideas!) when they grow up a little bit more, but they’re still fun now for Amanda. I am also enjoying the book as I travel this grief road and remember Cindy in better times.

Say what you want about single parents raising kids in this PC world... but take it from a single dad.... no matter how good a dad you are... you can’t be a mom.

Music City, USA

This long weekend, Amanda and I packed up and hit Music City, USA. Well, actually we drove past Nashville to Franklin, TN, home of everyone with money in the Nashville area and also Cindy’s cousin’s family. It has been quite a long time since I had been to the Nashville area and I wanted to make good on a promised vacation with Amanda. We were supposed to go to the Wisconsin Dells last summer, but Cindy was never well enough for a 4 day car trip and water parks. Amanda had been after me to go where we can "stay in a fancy hotel". To Amanda, anyplace that is not home is a fancy hotel - I hope she always believe that because that will save a TON of money in the coming years! On a side note - many of the houses in Franklin are unbelievably huge. If you get a chance to go that direction... just drive around. It’s worth the cost of gas!

In fact, we did stay at a "fancy" hotel - the Hyatt Place in Franklin on Friday night. I picked that one because they had a pool and I guessed that a Hyatt would keep their pool fairly clean. That kinda stuff is important to me! They did, in fact, have a pool.... an outdoor, closed for the season pool. Luckily they had a 42" LCD TV in the room which is the next best thing for Amanda and dad!

Anyway, this trip was also a vacation for Joe. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old is a vacation. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old and a 22 mo old is torture by anyone’s definition, therefore, Luke got to stay home with the grandparents. I was also in need of some time away from our "grind". I have not had a lot of time away from home and it’s rare I get fun time with Amanda. I also wanted Amanda to have some time with her nearly year old cousin. Cindy was very close with her cousins and I want to try and nurture that bond with Amanda and the next generation of cousins, too.

Cindy and I had been to Franklin a number of years ago and loved the quaint downtown. I thought of that trip as I drove I-24. I burst into tears, not even conscience that I was doing it, as I began to think of Cindy. What was supposed to be just a vacation ended up a trip through my memories of Cindy. She and I vacationed nearly every fall in Gatlinburg so I could place a memory at nearly every exit and every town along the way. I remembered our 1st (pre-dating) trip to Johnson City, TN to see a DC Talk concert. I remembered her driving my old ‘93 Eagle Talon on that trip and helping her adjust the driver’s side mirror as she drove along the Interstate. I remembered that we didn’t correct a car salesman when he took us for an engaged couple so that we could spend the afternoon test driving a Honda Del Sol alone. I remembered that after that particular trip we started dating. I remembered her knowing exactly how far it was to anyplace else since she had driven that road numerous times on her way to and from Milligan College in the eastern corner of TN. I remembered how often we would say that eating out was the reason you went on vacation.

It was a good trip. Our hosts were awesome. I also met a wonderful Christian couple with whom I have now become friends through a golf tournament that I didn’t even attend (a blog for another day). A very nice sheriff’s deputy in Franklin was also kind. (Another story for another blog!) It was a good trip.

A good vacation and a good trip down my memories.

Teach The Poor Origami

What is your motivation for doing things? Why do we do, what we do, when we do it? Why do I write so many questions in my blogs?

I write a lot about my job on here because, well, it’s where I spend most of my waking hours. I also write about it because my workplace is literally a microcosm of every walk of life. I have supervised doctors, accountants, well-known college athletes, plumbers, children of well-to-do community members, teachers, factory workers, iron workers, truck drivers, cable installers, phone solicitors, business owners, drug dealers, attempted murderers, drunk drivers, high school and college students and everyone in between.

Every day I am also treated with a front row seat to people in the squaller of life’s depths, and yet I (and a few others) am doing exactly what I believe I was put on earth to do. My job is to "motivate" those who aren’t in the norms of society’s rules by having them take steps (by court order) to amend wrongdoing and again become productive members of society. This "motivation" aspect of the job is what differentiates a successful outcome with those who don’t change a blasted thing. If you can find someone’s motivation, you have a much better chance of success. (They call it the "hook" when we go to our trainings.)

I have been thinking a lot about my own motivations in doing things. Do I do things because it’s in my best interest? Do I do them because they are in the best interest of my kids? Do I do them because in the short-term it is easier and I will let the eventual outcome play itself out? Do I even care what the long-term consequences are? Have I always been this way or have I had someone to mask this for the last 10 years. Am I now in a position where I should not trust my heart nor head to make decisions?

If you can’t trust your heart and head - what’s left?

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Blog title is taken from the song Shine by the Newsboys.

Put This On The List

How come the days you expect to get lots of things done... nothing gets done. Is there a reason for that?

My job is one where you can plan to have a day free of distractions or interruptions and !BAM! everyone and their baby’s momma calls. Now don’t get me wrong. I like talking to people. If it weren’t for people, I would be out of a job and my job would not have nearly as many comical moments. (But my office would smell so much better!) Occasionally, the police reports do offer some laughs... like the one recently where they were searching a house for a suspected sexual assault assailant and came across a box next to my soon-to-be client’s bed that had "weed" written on it. You just can’t make this stuff up!

But really, is there any way other than to completely shut out the world to get stuff done?

One of the things that I admired about Cindy... but never told her... was how organized she was. And how organized she kept our family, too. Ok, I actually made fun of her for her incessant list making. I have attempted to duplicate her system of lists and other than the grocery list... I am failing miserably. At work, it took me about a year to find my stride with my own way of doing things. I tried other officer’s methods of keeping track of 100+ clients (156 clients my first year) but only when I did things my way - through trial and error - did I learn my lesson. Do it your way and as Dr. Sarah taught me with the kids... whatever works.

There’s so many areas where I can’t fill Cindy’s shoes. In some areas I don’t even try. Other areas, it’s not about filling her shoes but wearing my own.

(Why have I been using so many illustrations lately involving shoes???)

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I have re-added the Comment area to my blog if you feel the need to drop me a line or comment on the blog. Feel free to express yourself... you won’t hurt my feelings. I can always delete it!

I've Got Nothing For You

This is the worst time of year. Seriously. How could anyone like it?

Bad, dangerous, cold weather. No football. No baseball. No flowers. Nothing is green. Snow is grey. The flu and colds are rampant. Clothes are layered. Gloves go missing. Kids are stir-crazy. Movies are awful. Vacation are a dream.

Need I say more?

I tried to look for something that was positive about this time of year...didn’t find one.

It's Just A Little Complicated

You make one small change to your Facebook profile and everyone notices.

I changed my status from "single" to "complicated". I am not even sure I had put "single" initially - I might have left it blank. Well, the other night my connection was a little faster than usual so I took the added speed and decided to update my profile on Facebook. (Mom, I will explain what Facebook is the next time I talk to you.)

I think I started to make it "single" but decided that wasn’t exactly true. I then looked for "Widowed" but that wasn’t a choice. I then saw they had a choice of "complicated". Now that seemed to fit in so many areas. You see, I am technically single. I am, however, not single. Single in my book means unattached in either a legal or emotional way. Yes, legally I am single. Emotionally, not so much. That struggle seems to make "complicated" a very good choice. Of course that doesn’t even take into account the feelings that are bubbling up that remind me that I must (at some point) move my life forward.

They don’t have "really complicated" as a choice.