Saturday, December 13, 2008

Deeper Commitment


What a day. Breakfast of Daddy (Bisquick, actually) pancakes. Baths for both kids. GACC Children’s Christmas program practice. Play date for Amanda. Nap for Luke. Award-winning chili made. Amanda’s school Christmas program with donkey costume. Grocery shopping w/o list. Feeding Luke. Cleaning up Luke’s mess of Jell-o, grapes, a napkin, and a strong right arm. (Amanda with Grandparents tonight!) Cleaning Luke. Luke to bed.

After all that, I started my own cleaning. I wish it had been another Jell-o mess. No, I am starting to go through THE FILE. You know that file. You have one. Everyone has one. It’s the filing cabinet where the not-quite-lock-box-worthy stuff is. Manuals to stuff that broke 5 yrs ago. Warrantee papers to I have no idea what. Brochures to Kissimmee/St. Cloud, FL. (Has anyone ever gone there? I bet you have a brochure from there, too!) Instruction manuals from your first cell phone, but not your latest, because you might need that one. Our file also has transcripts from high school, SIUC and Milligan College of Cindy, and one of my SIUC transcripts. (Cindy’s grades were WAAAAYYY better than mine! If only I had "applied" myself.) I found 10 yr old budgets and board minutes from the church we stopped attending nearly 3 yrs ago. I bet your papers are somewhat different - but, I bet you have a file like this one.

Well, something else in there stopped me in my tracks. It was a Testimony Worksheet that Cindy had completed. Next to it was a 3 page, hand-written, single-spaced copy of her testimony dated 6-12-90. Before tonight, I don’t remember ever seeing it. I would like to pull a couple of lines from it... if you don’t mind.

"Before deeper commitment, I had a lack of purpose. I thought, ‘Well, why don’t I drink, etc.? What’s stopping me?’ And even though I didn’t do those things, I definitely had some mixed up ideas about right and wrong. I was having ‘fun’ with my friends, but now my life has a deeper meaning. I have more peace, more joy.

I started going to church and was baptized when I was in about 6th grade. And, I’ve always been a "religious"-type person, because I didn’t do a lot of outwardly wrong things, but yet I didn’t have a mature relationship with Christ. Around my sophomore year, I began to take my faith more seriously.

At church camp one summer, we played a simulation game called "Success Story." At the end of the game, the trumpet sounded and we were all called in. And because I had spent all my time running frantically all over the place, and had literally pushed people away who were trying to tell us to repent, and not follow the ways of the world, I lost the game. I went to hell. It really hit me, too. I described me exactly: here I was, chasing after all these things (good grades, fun & friends, being the all-around best) and I wasn’t taking time out for God. Since somewhere around that time, thanks to a couple of great youth ministers & great activities like Bible Bowl, I’ve regularly attended church with a deeper appreciation for it.

More than anything, I would like to say that my prayers are being answered. My life is so much better because I have an inner peace, a real fulfillment. And even though I still have my bad days (even weeks) I know that everything is going to be ok. It is most comforting of all to know that I have eternal life."

On the way to St Louis in what ended up being our final trip to Barnes, Cindy made me promise that the next Mrs. Joe Howerton would have a deep faith in Christ above all else.

She set the bar very high.


Random thought for the day: "Did they use to tell scary ghost stories at Christmas? And that makes it the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

Friday, December 12, 2008

JTPO Will Keep Writing


A while back, I contacted one of Cindy’s college roommates about how you get started with writing a book. She used to work for Focus on the Family and is now a freelance writer who has had a few articles published. Her advice? Start writing and pray. There were a few other suggestions, but that was the gist of it. I read somewhere that Joe the Plumber has a book coming out. Of course, "serious" writers have come out against "ordinary" people like Joe the Plumber writing books. If JTP wants to cash in on his dwindling moments of fame - go for it! I bet he does have something to say. It’s the "ordinary" people who often have the most insight! (If books only came from ivory towers can you imagine how un-useful most books would be?)

At work, I sometimes have to write what’s called a Pre-Sentence Investigation (PSI) Report. I have normally been assigned one of these reports every couple of months. A PSI is basically a 10-20 page paper that is given to the Judge (and attorneys) prior to a defendant being sentenced to possible prison time so that an appropriate sentence can be handed down. It covers EVERYTHING about the defendant. It has sections about their criminal history, family/marital situation, work history, physical health, substance abuse/mental health issues present and past, treatment history, educational history, and goals/hobbies. All of those areas must be documented by the probation officer and then put into the report. It’s a huge undertaking and we normally have around 6-8 weeks to complete it - along with our regular caseload. That is why when someone is found guilty they set the sentencing so long afterwards. (This concludes your civics lesson for today. Tomorrow, "Political Reform and You".) I tell you all this because.......oh yeah. I like to write and it’s a good thing since I have to do it quite often in my job. It’s kind of the story about the client.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that Joe the Probation Officer is going to keep writing here on the blog. I don’t know if anyone really cares what I write about, but I am having fun with it. And it’s challenging in a way that is much different than any PSI.


Random thought for the day: "I miss Calvin and Hobbes."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Daniel's Story Hour Postponed

Today was my last day to work this week. I am taking Friday off to do some much needed running around/Christmas tree shopping/decorating/cleaning. There’s no possible way I will get all of those things done. Although I will be kid-free after 8am, so I should make a BIG dent into some of it..

Tonight, I cried like a baby at supper. It was awesome! While eating with Amanda at the table I remembered that I had not picked up the mail from the box outside. (UPS also showed up with a box that apparently came from the North Pole... if you get my drift!) Anyway, I allowed Amanda to open the Christmas cards that we received today. One of them was from a couple that goes to our church. They had written one of those Christmas letters I used to despise, and then participated in the construction of, and have now come to see they are actually worth while.
(Get on with it, Joe!)

I started to read the letter and they quoted Luke 2:15-20 (THE Christmas story). As I read the scripture Amanda started quoting it as I read ahead. She missed a couple of words here and there, but all in all, she got it pretty right! Well....... I cried. I cried a lot! I cried tears of joy and sadness. There was nothing that made Cindy happier than when Amanda would come home from VBS or Sunday School and quote a verse. It was the Bible Bowler in her. Did I mention I cried? Amanda was kinda scared at first with all my crying. She thought she had done something wrong. I explained that, no, I was just happy that she had been listening so well at school as they practiced their Christmas program (Sunday at 4pm @ Christ Comm.) and had picked up the verses. I told her I was also sad mom couldn’t be here to see how well she had memorized. I then told her that I believe that those in heaven can look down at us when there’s something here on earth that is special for them to see. "May I have your attention! Daniel's story hour normally scheduled for sometime today is postponed so Cindy can see Amanda quote 5 verses of scripture from memory. Daniel will return to Onyx Field 211 once Amanda is done with her quotes. Please remember, we have forever to catch his stories. He will be back in 200 years for more stories. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you."

I finally composed myself, beamed with pride, and gave Amanda a huge hug.

"We done good with that one, Hun!"

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Early Present From Unlikely Source


Boy, I received a heck of an early Christmas present from Blue Cross/Blue Shield today.

Let me give you some background info. First of all, as we all know, insurance companies are evil. Darth Vader, Hitler, Rod B., child sex offender kinda evil. That one in the middle might be a stretch to make evil, but you get my drift. Cindy had a special level of loathsome-ness for insurance companies. I think her exact quote was, "I hate ‘em."

I, too, have a love-hate relationship with my health insurance. So it was surprising to me when a couple of weeks ago I received a condolence card from Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Inside was a magnet with a lady’s name and an 800 phone number. Written in the card was: "If I can be of any assistance to you, please don’t hesitate to call me at the number on the magnet." I was shocked. BCBS is huge and every time I have called, there’s a new person to deal with in "Customer Service". So today I called the magnet. She said that from now on, I am to call her and she will take care of everything. I explained the $16,000 bill, the $12,000 bill, the $9000 bill, the $1000 bill, the $1000 bill, and the untold others which are still pending from Cindy’s many stays at Barnes or with Hospice.

She listened. I explained. I questioned. She said she would work on it. We agreed she would call me back on Friday with any additional information. At 3pm today she called back with my present. She said she just couldn’t wait until Friday to give me some good news. After some wrangling with Barnes, she was able to convince them to write off the $12,000 bill. She said the $16,000 bill needs additional information which she would request herself from Barnes, the $9000 had yet to be processed, and the two $1000 bills were penalties for not getting pre-certified at Barnes within 24 hours of the admittance. She said she was not done working on all of these and would call me back on Friday.

At 5:30pm, she called me again. She just had to tell me that she had one of the $1000 penalties waived because the hospital pre-certification was late getting to BCBS, but they still received it. The second penalty was still there and Barnes needed to send the pre-cert notice and then she might be able to get that waived, too. (After all, if you waive $12,000 - what is another G?) She also said that she had the $9000 bill processed and it was covered 100%. I told her she "did good work today!" WOW.... I hear all the time about major medical bills sinking families for a long time - if they ever recover. Is there a more appropriate time to worry about money and hospital bills than right after your favorite person in the world dies? What a load off my mind. She said that she would be getting back to me in about 20 days with an update on the remaining amounts but told me to call her anytime if I had questions.

I don’t think she owned a sleigh or had a red suit with a bushy white beard, but she sure did come bearing presents!



Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Cry For Help (Not me!)


So, yesterday one of my juvenile clients attempted suicide. Luckily the cuts were superficial and he is physically fine. I had just met with him on Thursday afternoon and he didn’t seem on the verge of doing something that drastic. It is amazing to me that kids today often have so much to do, often so much given to them, often allowed so much latitude, and yet... so many are screwed up in ways beyond my capabilities to fix or to comprehend.

I tried to explain to him that we shared the feelings of loss when you lose a close friend. I actually told him my whole situation in order to attempt a bond. Apparently it didn’t work. I have to remember I can’t help everyone, but I have to at least try my best.

What's a difference in our situation? I have Faith and Hope. He has marijuana and whatever else he can get his hands on, from whomever he can con. Unfortunately, this is one of dozens of kids I have to deal with in similar, yet different situations.

The one good thing about dealing with juvenile clients. I stay busy and while at work I don’t necessarily have time to mope or have a pity-party. I am still trying to play catch up from early November. Luckily, my co-workers (and bosses) took good care of me while I was away.

Remember this client in your prayers. He has some hard work and a rough road headed his way. Appearing before the Judge again is the least of his bumps before him.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

How Do You Like Me Now?


For those that have only known me for the last 20 or so years, let me tell you something you might not be aware of. I wasn’t always this way.

What way was I? Cautious, fun-loving, unsure of myself, fanatical about baseball, easy-going, hungry, but always smiling. I liked that guy a lot.

What way am I now? Cautious, introspective, quiet (I know some of you are laughing at that one!), snippy, not wanting to be in a group of people, procrastinating, quiet-loving, rattled, in need of direction, cantankerous, constantly doubting myself and in need of assurances. Baseball is still my favorite sport - but pro football is sneaking up on it.

It’s amazing what 20 years, a few family deaths, family cancer scares/treatments, a renal (kidney) transplant, growing older/up, two kids and life in general will do to your mental and physical health as well as your general demeanor in life. Recently, I took some time to look back at some photo albums of Cindy’s that I hadn’t looked at in probably 10 years, if ever. The ones with the ex-boyfriend (Cindy’s, not mine), prom pictures and early Cindy & Joe pictures. I could remember what I was like then. It was the WGGH radio days, the campus ministry days @ SIUC days. Barely post-transplant time. The beginning to date Cindy days. Even then... I was more like I am now, than the way I was in my youth.

I have heard from a lot of people who think I am handling my current situation very well. Let me be honest. If you ask me, I will say I am doing fine. I’m not. I told Cindy while she was considering the future of the Howerton family that I would be ok and not to worry about me. She still worried. She could see what was coming a heck of a lot better than I could. She knew that the Joe she knew was going to have trouble with assimilating to yet another new life and its struggles. But she also knew I could handle it.

I have said it before - I don’t have the corner market on dealing with life’s situations. These are, however, the situations that I have to deal with. And no matter how much help I get, there’s some stuff that I have deal with alone.

It used to be so much easier to deal with life’s situations 20 years ago.... or even 20 months ago.

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Saturday morning I took Amanda to a special screening of The Grinch movie with Jim Carey. She was scared for part of the movie. She hid in my lap. I had forgotten that the movie has Cindy’s favorite, non-religious Christmas song in it. "Where Are You Christmas?" is a great song... I really wish they hadn’t used it so much in the movie. I would have liked to have seen more of the movie without tears.