Friday, January 23, 2009

What Would Lenny Ask?

This blog is cryptic for a reason. It has to do with my work which requires confidentiality.

I think I have watched too many crime shows on TV. I am starting to look not at the easy answers - but rather the dark and insidious ones. Stats are stats and eventually they even out. Even here in So. IL. How can I ask those questions? I have to ask those questions. How do you ask those questions? I have to risk my standing with the two to get the answer about the one.

Sorry for the vagueness of this post. I'll do better next time. I just have to think this through and this, albeit not the best place to do it, is where I do my heavy lifting.

(I miss the old L&Os with Jerry Orbach.)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Forwarded Message Embargo

Public Service Announcement paid for by FME of America:

I received a forwarded email today that actually made me laugh. Those are rare. Forwarded email seems to be an all of nothing thing. It seems there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who forward everything sent to them and the rest of us who have more important things in our lives than sending an unwanted, unfunny, or unmoving email to "10 of your closest friends in the next 15 minutes." If you aren't smiling... you must be in the first group.

This one made me smile. You know how I know it was funny? A friend of mine who never, EVER forwards emails sent it to me after he read it! He's my measuring stick on what is funny and he sent it. That means it has been stamped "FUNNY by Derek".

It's funny because it is a spoof. Spoof comedy is hard to write. The number of spoof movies which are genuinely funny can be listed on one hand. Writing spoofs should only be handled by trained professionals. Going too spoofy and you're off point - too much fun and not enough substance. Too on point and it'll lost its edge. It's a balance beam act on a high wire.

Here's the forwarded email.

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!


Please, for the sake of the poor little guy in your computer that has to forward all those emails... just stop. If your email doesn't have the "Funny by Derek" stamp... don't forward it.

A Message from FME of America

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Thoughts About Today

Inauguration Day.

44th President.

Pres. BHO!?!

Cabinet riddled with scandals before he starts.

Past was all bad - must change.

Not changing that much.

Hoping for better than what I have heard so far.

Hasn't said much.

Cowards in the minority.

Elected to preserve limited government.

Must bow to messiah. Must "get along".

Never supposed to be that way.

Wish him well - wish I was in Roland's seat.

I'm smart enough to sit with the big boys.

hummmm.

Thar She Blows!

Sunday:
I knew it was coming. I have been bracing myself for it. In everything I have read, the authors say to expect it. It’s mostly hidden. It’s under the surface just waiting to explode and given our situation you can understand why it happens. Even though I was prepared, it still doesn’t make it easier to deal with or easier to watch.

For no apparent reason, Amanda threw a first-class, A+, Number 1, thanks-for-playing-but-we-have- a-winner tantrum.... over not wanting to go to Wal-Mart. I even had gone so far as to prepare her earlier in the day what our schedule was going to be. 1) lunch 2) play on computer 3) short rest time 4) quick trip to Wal-Mart 5) back to playing on computer. Seemed like a pretty winning plan. Yeah, some plan.

I know she is going to have some pent up emotions. I know she is going through something that she doesn’t quite understand. I know I am to be understanding. I also know that she is "working through" her grief in a similar, yet different, way that I am. Her outburst was so volatile and startling that I couldn’t believe it was my red-faced, screaming, swinging daughter.

I finally got her to admit that her emotions were not about her dislike of going to Wal-Mart. (Although I would have much preferred it to be!) No, her outburst had to do with missing her mom. As a result of our long conversation, post-tantrum, we ended up getting in the truck and going to Cindy’s gravesite. I had not been there since her burial. I am not one of those that feel the need to constantly keep vigil over a plot of grass and piece of marble. I have only been to my dad’s grave a couple of times since his burial - the times that I have gone was so I wouldn’t forget where it is. Cindy’s plot was easy to locate and we walked to it without much emotion on her part. She noticed that there weren’t any flowers around it and Amanda promptly began a search for some unattached, wind-blown flowers to decorate the site. After a few minutes locating a bouquet of weathered and tattered silk flowers, Amanda got the idea that with the remaining flowers she should decorate those sites with vases that were empty with some of her leftovers. Thirty minutes later, the entire section of graves were well decorated and attended to. She was completely unemotional through the entire time we were there. She told me that was because "mommy is not here. She is in heaven. It’s just where her body is." How in the world did she get to be this understanding?

Then we went to Wal-Mart. I didn’t think the tantrum was about Wal-Mart.

Monday:
Amanda threw another huge fit at SI Bowl and then in the car. She settled down when I changed the location of our dinner plans. I don’t think it was about which pizza joint we were going to.


I absolutely hate the fact that she has to go through this rollercoaster.