Thar She Blows!

Sunday:
I knew it was coming. I have been bracing myself for it. In everything I have read, the authors say to expect it. It’s mostly hidden. It’s under the surface just waiting to explode and given our situation you can understand why it happens. Even though I was prepared, it still doesn’t make it easier to deal with or easier to watch.

For no apparent reason, Amanda threw a first-class, A+, Number 1, thanks-for-playing-but-we-have- a-winner tantrum.... over not wanting to go to Wal-Mart. I even had gone so far as to prepare her earlier in the day what our schedule was going to be. 1) lunch 2) play on computer 3) short rest time 4) quick trip to Wal-Mart 5) back to playing on computer. Seemed like a pretty winning plan. Yeah, some plan.

I know she is going to have some pent up emotions. I know she is going through something that she doesn’t quite understand. I know I am to be understanding. I also know that she is "working through" her grief in a similar, yet different, way that I am. Her outburst was so volatile and startling that I couldn’t believe it was my red-faced, screaming, swinging daughter.

I finally got her to admit that her emotions were not about her dislike of going to Wal-Mart. (Although I would have much preferred it to be!) No, her outburst had to do with missing her mom. As a result of our long conversation, post-tantrum, we ended up getting in the truck and going to Cindy’s gravesite. I had not been there since her burial. I am not one of those that feel the need to constantly keep vigil over a plot of grass and piece of marble. I have only been to my dad’s grave a couple of times since his burial - the times that I have gone was so I wouldn’t forget where it is. Cindy’s plot was easy to locate and we walked to it without much emotion on her part. She noticed that there weren’t any flowers around it and Amanda promptly began a search for some unattached, wind-blown flowers to decorate the site. After a few minutes locating a bouquet of weathered and tattered silk flowers, Amanda got the idea that with the remaining flowers she should decorate those sites with vases that were empty with some of her leftovers. Thirty minutes later, the entire section of graves were well decorated and attended to. She was completely unemotional through the entire time we were there. She told me that was because "mommy is not here. She is in heaven. It’s just where her body is." How in the world did she get to be this understanding?

Then we went to Wal-Mart. I didn’t think the tantrum was about Wal-Mart.

Monday:
Amanda threw another huge fit at SI Bowl and then in the car. She settled down when I changed the location of our dinner plans. I don’t think it was about which pizza joint we were going to.

I absolutely hate the fact that she has to go through this rollercoaster.