Update on Family

It’s been a month now since Cindy passed away. Earlier today I explained to Amanda what being a widow(er) means. Later, she was playing with her new Barbies and said that one of them was a widow. Wonder what happened to Ken?

Thanksgiving night she prayed, "Dear Lord, I would say Happy Thanksgiving to mommy if she hadn’t died. So I hope you will tell her that." I cry most nights during her prayers. She continues to amaze me with her grasp of what has happened and what it means to her and our family. She still asks me if I am ever going to get married again. And then she informs me "probably not." Her birthday party at SI Bowl was really fun last week. She was a total princess for nearly 3 hours. She's 5??? She received scrapbooking materials from her class at school and wants to start a "Mommy and Me" book. (She is her mother's child!) I will be printing off a bunch of pictures of her and Cindy for the album so she can get started on it soon.

Luke is quite a bundle of energy and attitude. He is really on the verge of talking a lot. Like most boys his age (19mo) he’s all about fire engines, trucks, and noisy things. And, despite his hefty appearance, he still eats like a bird.

I am doing pretty well... considering. I am having a heck of a time putting my arms around finding a routine. I work well with a routine. Not having one is driving me crazy. Bed time is still a struggle with the kids, but I have help some nights. Amanda is really stepping up and becoming a big girl and a good helper.

We are continuing to receive condolence cards, food, and gifts. I thank each of you for whatever you have done for my family.

What Are You People Doing?

There’s a strange phenomenon that happens when someone close to you dies. It's called "Life". Not your life, but everyone else’s life. Their life does not stop. They still have to buy gas. They still need groceries. They still go to work. They still take the kids to soccer, school, play dates, etc. They still talk about who won "Dancing With the Stars". (Yeah, Brooke!) They even still pass you driving 65mph on Route 13.

It’s funny, but I thought everyone would take a few days off from what they have to do. I did. I don’t understand why they didn’t.

Now everyone is in a hurry to buy Christmas presents. Can’t they see I am hurting here? Don’t they know that I have no clue what I am doing? Don’t they know there are thousands of others hurting and needing help, too?

I wonder how many people I drove past (at 65mph) on Route 13 who needed help while I was living my "old" life.

Big Shoes

There’s a sentence everyone hears when they are going through a struggle. "God won’t give you anymore than you can handle." I used to think that sentence was a) trite and b) not helpful. Now I know that sentence is trite and not helpful. It really does no good to anyone in the middle of a struggle to have that said to them. Don’t say it no matter how much you feel led to say it. It’s about as good as when someone at a funeral says "boy, _________ sure looks good/natural/like herself." It’s one of those sentences that you need to have in the back of your mind - something that you inherently believe - that you can lean on. You just don’t need to have it said to you while you are in the middle of the pain. Why? Because you are already feeling that you can’t handle it, and now hearing it adds guilt for not trusting in God on top of everything else you are feeling.

A while back, someone told me "God won’t give you anymore than you can handle." I guess they didn’t know how I felt about that phrase. I said to them politely, "I know. But He’s getting darn close!" Then, on the way back from one of the 40+ trips to St. Louis, I thought about the sentence from a different angle. (One of my "gifts" is the ability to look at things from a different perspective.)

Ok, so apparently every situation you are presented with you should be able to get through. It may not seem like you can, but you will. All right - I get that. Here’s my new take on the sentence from a different perspective. If you are presented a situation, you also have (or will have) the needed resources at your disposal to get through the situation. WHAT??? If the Lord decides to take your wife, the mother of your children... you are either equipped to handle their childhood and your family needs without that person, or God will provide those who can step into the role either temporarily or permanently. It doesn’t mean there won’t be pain, sadness, loneliness, or heart ache. It just means there’s help from God.

I have a hard time asking for help. Even help sent by God.

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart

Lately, I have had a very busy time at work. As a probation officer, you never, ever, get to complete any task without being interrupted. There’s always a client, a phone call, court, a boss, a co-worker, a new case, a phone call, mail, an angry client, a court appearance, an email, a phone call, an angry parent, or something that HAS to have your attention right then. This week, like most holiday weeks, has had it fair share of crises that needed my attention. And then I get home and the whirlwind of kids and mail and my new life take over until I collapse to watch TV3 10 o’clock weather and SportsCenter. Because of that I have not had time to look ahead to the coming weeks of insane shopping or the celebration of the birth of my Savior. BUT, I have also not had time to stop - right now - and appreciate what I have in my life. You know, for THANKSGIVING.

Right now - I am taking time to appreciate what I do have.

Healthy kids with smiles of gold and unlimited hugs, a mom that will do anything for me and does, a house that is standing, cars that work, a church that is on fire for the Lord and our community, new friends, old acquaintances and friends who are stepping up to help, memories, a job with real job security, freedom to say anything or go anywhere or worship anywhere/anytime, family (both mine and by marriage) who are there for me without question, completed Creative Memories albums, and the promise of the Cross.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Thinking about...

Last night, I started getting sick. You know, the creepin’ up on you and before you know it you have a cold and your nose is looking like a strawberry, sick? Because of that, I took some cold medicine that "May Cause Drowsiness". It did. And I woke up two hours later with a backache that lasted all day. And then the sneezing began.

Lately, I have had a lot of time to think. That is not always a good thing. The problem is that the time for me to think is normally well after the kids get to sleep. When you have time to think, you sometimes don’t think of constructive thoughts. I have read leadership books and articles that say that if you can set aside 30 minutes a day (who has that???) to just sit and think, you will train yourself to be more organized and your decisions will be more wise. Yeah, right.

I still sit at the computer, either working or playing, and my mind thinks that Cindy is going to come downstairs with a bowl of raspberry-chocolate ice cream (Graeter’s brand from Cincinnati, OH). My mind thinks that it’s about time to travel to Barnes again. My mind still wonders how Cindy ever was able to endue her constant pain. My mind wonders what she is seeing right now. Has she asked Noah "why mosquitos?" Does she get a daily sermon from Jesus or Timothy or Paul or John? Has she told Luke that she has a son named after him?

Who invented Kleenex and did they get rich?

Not constructive thinking... but necessary at this moment.

How Do You Do It?

Let me tell you something. I have no idea how single parents (either male or female) are able to raise kids without help. I am not talking governmental help - I am pretty sure that no American government agency will send over someone on a Sunday morning to help you get your kids ready for church at 9:45am. I sure hope there's not. Maybe for an ACLU gathering, but definitely not for church. Although, the Feds (and Rod B.) seem to be moving closer to constant "help" every day for those of us who are “poor”.

I can see it now.... in IL it would be "All Help", just sign up for this program and our Governor will make sure you have whatever help you need, whenever you need it. Funding would be paid for by Casinos on every creek in IL, naming rights for all the State Police Cruisers and the leasing revenue from historic sights like Lincoln’s tomb and Cahokia mounds. This would occur right after “All-Pets” - Rod’s plan to cover all pets in IL with vet insurance.

I digress. I have learned in the last several months, and specifically since Cindy died, that my ability is not adequate to handle two kids, 5 and under, by myself for any length of time. I guess that is why on Full House there was Cousin Jesse and the other guy living with the Tanners. And then add to it one sick kid and another one trying to cut a tooth? I just was not mentally equipped for this challenge.

However, I think if Duct tape was an appropriate way to control kids - I could manage it all quite nicely. - Just a joke - I would NEVER use Duct tape. Too much residue.

Help out a single mom/dad in the next couple of weeks. They will need the help to get away and buy/wrap presents… away from the kids.

Last email on Cindy

I have started this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I need to continue to find an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, etc. Secondly, I have been told I have a knack for writing - so who am I to argue. Third, I have always wanted a blog of my own. Most people I know who have one, have nothing much to say that I care to read about.

This first entry is the last email I sent out to notify friends and distant family that my wife had died. This email was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I poured my soul into it. It says as much about my wife as it does about me if you will read deeply. I will post more in the coming days, weeks, and months. This is just a start - it also may be the finish. Time will tell.

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1 Thess 4:11-14
Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. (from New International Version)
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Hi everyone,
I told you I would probably not write much more. There is really need for this one last email. This will take me a while to write.

Cindy died this morning, Oct. 29 at 1:27am, with me by her side in the hospice room at St. Joseph's hospital right after the Geoff Moore song "When All is Said and Done" ended. We believe that she is now walking on streets of gold and preparing the ultimate Bible Bowl team practice. She is finally free of pain after 14 months of dealing with the raveges of ovarian cancer. There was not a day in the last 14 months that she did not have pain - often debilitating pain. This afternoon, when I woke from my first real sleep in 2 days, I felt relieved. It was relief that I did not have to worry about how Cindy was feeling for the first time in over 420 days. Our family, despite extreme saddness, can now rejoice together that God's child is finally home. As Amanda said this morning, "Good for Mom, sad for us." At nearly 5 years old, she understands this much more than we do!

The above verse is Cindy's life in a nutshell. She was not someone who would lead a life seeking attention, but helped those that needed help. She was a great wife at home and excellent worker at her job. She lived her life and her faith. There was no doubt that she was a Christian and she would not back away from proclaiming it - but she wasn't going to scream it from a bullhorn. Her life was her witness for Christ - the most effective method to preach. She loved her church, Grand Avenue Christian Church in Carbondale, IL because it reflects the qualities I just mentioned. She enjoyed the joyous journey of life. She taught many young Christians thousands of Bible verses through her role as sponsor of Bible Bowl teams at First Christian and Grand Avenue churches. Even today, those students can appreciate their love of Scriptures because of the work Cindy did with them years ago.

Our prayer that began with the cancer diagnosis, reaffirmed only 3 weeks ago with Cindy, was that someone would see Christ through our struggle. I know I saw Christ through Cindy's struggle.

Her best job was that of mother. Looking at Amanda, you can see her work as a Christian mom. I suspect Luke will also grow in Christ because of the groundwork laid by Cindy.

Cindy was my best friend long before she became my best friend and my wife. We were only married for 9 years, but in those years we managed a lifetime of memories. I will miss her immensely - but her life (and likeness) will live on through our children and in those that she touched.

I can not name everyone who has walked this journey with us - and like an Oscar winner, I would surely leave someone out only to remember them right after I press "send". So, I will not even try. Please rest assured that every one of you was highly thought of by Cindy. We talked nearly every day about each card, email, meal, phone call, text msg, or prayer that was received on our behalf. Even as the concern for our family continues, please remember that Cindy is thankful. In the coming weeks and months I will be considering something that I can champion in Cindy's memory. I will let you know if something materializes.

Several months back, I asked you to notify me of all the churches/cities that were praying for Cindy. I realized that I never published the list I compiled but have added it to the end of this email. Your prayers were answered - prefectly and in God's time. The list amazes me - especially knowing that it is not complete; only those that I know about specifically.

Thank you and remember "God is Good all the time."
Joe

Cindy's Visitation will be Sunday 4-7pm. Funeral Monday 10am. Both at Grand Avenue Christian Church in Carbondale IL. The church is located at 1305 East Grand Avenue.

Grand Avenue Christian Church, Carbondale, IL
Evangelical Christian Church, Valley View, Pennsylvania
Crainville Baptist, Crainville, IL
First Christian Church, Murphysboro, IL
Christ Community Church, Murphysboro, IL
Lowman, NY
Bible Believers Baptist Church, Liberty, IN
Grace Bible Church, Urbana, IL
Lancaster, Ohio
Pittman Park United Methodist Church, Statesboro, GA
The Vineyard, Cambridge, MA
Macomb, IL
United Methodist Church, Macomb, IL
Lutheran Church, Collinsville, IL
Seattle, WA
Bloomington, IL
Second Baptist Church, Marion, IL
Murdale Baptist Church, Carbondale, IL
Lakeside Christian Church, Cincinnati, OH
Cornerstone United Methodist Church, Portsmouth, OH
Farmers Christian Church, Morehead, KY
Catholic Church, Milford, OH
Savannah Diocese, Savannah, GA
Our Lady of the Assumption, Sylvania, GA
Grace Community Church, Mt. Vernon, IL
St James Episcopal, Glastonbury, CT
Christ Presbyterian Church, Nashville, TN
First Christian Church, Anna, IL
Bethalto Christian Church, Bethalto, IL
Harvester Christian Church, St Charles, MO
Gateway Beginner Bible Bowl Coaches (St. Louis, MO)
First Christian Church in Sylvania, GA
Ava Assembly of God, Ava, IL
Northwest Bible Church - Kansas City, MO
First Alliance Church, Richmond, KY
Catholic Church, Carterville, IL
Eden Prairie, MN
Belleville, IL
Wichita, KS
Aldersgate UMC, Marion, IL
St. Xavier Catholic Church, Carbondale, IL
St. Andrews Catholic Church. Murphysboro, IL
Collinsville, IL
Bridgetown Church of Christ, Cincinnati, OH
Georgetown, KY Baptist Church
Epiphany Lutheran Church, Carbondale, IL
Winchester, IL
Berean Christian Church, Murphysboro, IL
United Methodist Church, Murphysboro, IL
Price Hill Church of Christ – Cincinnati, OH
Good Samaritan Church- Tampa Bay, FL
Niedringhaus United Methodist – Granite City, IL
Hardwick Christian Church – Milledgeville, GA
Whitewater Crossing Christian Church – Cincinnati, OH
Lakeshore Christian Church – Antioch, TN
Southern Illinois Bible Bowl Round Robin – Springfield, IL
Little Prairie Christian Church – Albion, IL
Chicago, IL
Jacksonville, IL
Washington, DC
Union Hill Christian Church – Carbondale, IL
Bradenton, FL
City Union Mission - Kansas City, MO

(This email took me two hours to write.)