Routine Smootine

I know I have previously mentioned on my blog that I work best within a routine. I think most people do. Even those that seem to excel when their life’s a whirlwind would admit they are better within a routine.

How are you supposed to have a routine when your oldest wakes you at 4:30am screaming of a tummy ache only to puke 15 minutes later which wakes up your 20 mo old? And then again 30 minutes later after that while screaming "I HATE THIS" over and over and over? And then again 2 hours later after you have been giving her the "sure fire anti-hurl" home remedy?

Of course, I did bring this all on myself. Yesterday I went to the grave-side service of the mother of a close friend and ended up meeting my friend’s best bud. She was telling me that she had been up since 4:30am with her two puking kids. I said that I had been pretty lucky that my kids had been clear of that so far. There was no wood to knock on at the cemetery. I really wish there had been.

Man-to-Man vs. Zone

Days are long this time of year. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s because I have a case of SAD. (Seasonal-Affective Disorder) Maybe it’s because the kids are driving me crazy all of the time. At any rate, this is not a good time for me. Why anyone would want to raise one or more kids without a companion is beyond me. Upon learning she was pregnant while not married (OHHHHHH shame on her to let herself get in that situation!), didn’t Rachel on Friends say, "I can do it. I’ll do it by myself."? I know that she is a fictional character on my favorite TV show - but there are women who say that for real. And they are insane.

I am, in most situations, a very calm and collected individual. HOWEVER, when dealing with my kids lately I am not a) calm, or b) collected. Don’t call DCFS. I am not injuring or hurting the kids - but I am not the parent I was when there were two of us doing the parenting. I was good at the good cop- bad cop thing. Also, the kids are not the kids they were when there were two of us.

When there are two parents with two kids - both can be involved in the man on man coverage most of the time. You can also do temporary zone defense when one of the parents needs to leave - again temporarily. Zone defense is not good when you have an active offensive force with a strong physical and mental presence set on breaking through the zone. I am good with man to man. Or in my case, man to kid. When you are constantly playing the zone - someone doesn’t get the attention. All the attention goes to the kid nearest a stove, a stairway, a hinge, is crying, hungry, or not sleeping.... or all of the above. That means the one acting good doesn’t get the attention they will shortly realize they are not receiving. Of course, that means the one that was acting like an angel suddenly has to pick a nit on the one who was already grouchy or hurting or otherwise getting attention. This vicious circle was 85% of my day today. It was a Top 10 bad day in my book. (Not involving a death or hospitalization.)

And to top it all off, Amanda for the first time cried this weekend and blamed the crying on missing Cindy. Yeah, it was a great weekend and it’s only Saturday night. Why again did I take Monday off from work???

Random Thoughts - Christmas 2008

I’m glad this Christmas is over.
I think God that eternal life for us started with a baby.
Luke is entering the terrible 2s and Amanda her teens a little early.
Christmas sales need to start after Halloween - since they have the decorations out anyway!
Wrapping presents is easier with plenty of tape on hand Christmas Eve.
I got more gifts than I wanted and way more than I needed.
The after-Christmas cleanup is best left to next year.
Seeing a rushing ambulance on Christmas day is very sad.
Coca-Cola ball bottles are the cutest soda bottles of all time.
Crying is part of grieving, but it still sucks.
Right now is the time Cindy and I would exchange our gifts.
Right now Cindy is wrapping up her first Christmas with Jesus. Definitely a better Christmas for her!!! (You think they do a live nativity with the REAL people??? And playing the part of Joseph..... Joseph!!!!)
I am going to shoot the radio if I hear It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year again.
No matter how much I thought I was ready to handle something that I knew was coming....I wasn’t.
I hope everyone understands that I was only able to do the bare-bones version of Christmas this year.
I hope I don’t feel this empty next Christmas.

Iceberg Ahead - Too Late

Isaiah 1:4
4 Ah, sinful nation, a people loaded with guilt, a brood of evildoers, children given to corruption! They have forsaken the LORD; they have spurned the Holy One of Israel and turned their backs on him.

Isaiah 1:23
23 Your rulers are rebels, companions of thieves; they all love bribes and chase after gifts. (from NIV)

Just a thought from Isaiah but kinda relevant today in Illinois and elsewhere.

Alone Isolated Remote Solitary

Ps 145:17-19
The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. 18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (from NIV)
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I am ALWAYS in church on Sunday mornings. I have been in church nearly every Sunday since I was born. Barring a medically-necessary absence, I have been there. Especially on a C and E Sunday. (That’s what us church-y people call the Sundays the heathens show up twice a year on the ‘important’ days. You call us hypocrites on the other 50 weeks. I think we’re even.) This Sunday, though, I went to the Rams game in St. Louis. Now don’t get me wrong. I think it is still a bad precedent to skip church on a Sunday morning to go to a sporting event where the only worship is of overpaid, over-hyped, overly worshiped freaks of nature (kickers/punters not included) who happen to be able to throw, catch or run with an oblong ball all the while trying not to get pummeled by other freaks of nature.

HOWEVER, I needed time to: a) be alone, b) not think of any problems, and c) do something that I have always wanted to do. So I went to the Rams game alone, froze my keyster off walking the 4 blocks from the car to the Dome, didn’t think about my upside-down life and enjoyed a NFL football game in person for the first time in my life. Besides, the tickets were FREE!!!

Was it fun? Sure. Did I have a good time? Yeah. Was I close enough to get a feel of the speed of the game and a good look at the "2008 - 2009 St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders Sponsored by Russell Athletics"? You bet! (They only say that about 250 times during the game.) Are the Rams horrible? More like pathetic.

Anyway, I had a fun time at the Dome. I also even had fun afterwards shopping at ToysRUs, the St. Clair mall, and Krispy Kreme.

What did I learn from my day of Joe?
1) My car still can drive to St Louis on Auto Pilot.
2) Everything is more expensive on Game Day. ($16.50 for a cold cheeseburger, fries and a medium soda. $15-20 to park.)
3) The Saturday before Christmas at St. Clair is not a wise use of my time.
4) Talking to God in the car will get you some weird looks.
5) I still like to play music very loud in the car when I am alone.
6) Problems won’t be solved and I am still alone even when you try to run away for a while.

Stuff To Do = Life

Like it or not, we have stuff that we have to do. We have stuff that we have to do and it’s not stuff we want to do. But that's life, isn’t it?

I don’t want to do laundry every couple of days.

I don’t want to figure out what to feed my kids - one (Luke) who won’t eat anything, one (Amanda) who eats everything but tomato(e)s.

I don’t want to go to Wal-Mart several times in a week. A Wal-Mart that I petitioned against, but couldn’t vote against, to keep out of my neighborhood.

I don’t want to have a never-ending battle against toys that leave the house in a constant state of messy.

I don’t want to live where it’s 25 degrees outside.

I don’t want to have a million questions that solely require my answers.

I don’t want Christmas trees to dry out the instant you bring them home.

I don’t want every kid in the tri-state area that Amanda knows to have a birthday party that she HAS to go to.

I don’t want my friends to have heartaches from losing mothers or babies.

I don’t want to have a birthday, or Christmas, or New Years, without my wife.

I don’t want to have to commiserate with anyone else who’s going through the loss of a spouse with kids.

I don’t want to feel guilty for not thinking of Cindy all the time.

I don’t want to feel like other people are judging me if they see me out with another woman. ‘Cause I know they will.

I don’t want to change anything.

I don’t want to always be calm and collected.
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I do want to feed my kids nutritiously and wear clean clothes.

I do want to save money.

I do want my kids to enjoy their toys and actually play with all of them.

I do want to experience all of the seasons that God made.

I do want to have an input into the decisions that affect my life and my family.

I do want the piney smell of the Christmas tree.

I do want Amanda to enjoy her many and diverse friends.

I do understand the circle of life. And like seasons of the year, we all have Springs and Winters.

I do want to live at least another year. 38 years today.

I do want to help a fellow brother going through a similar struggle and aid in whatever way I can.

I do want to have memories of Cindy which don’t consume my every waking moment.

I do want to enjoy the company of women.

I want to change everything.

I want to come out the other side of this struggle as close to the person I was going in - if that’s God’s will.

That’s life. Isn’t it?

What? No Blog Tonight?

Ok, I'm sorry. I really wanted to dispense some poignant, heartfelt, yet eloquent words of wisdom tonight. Last night I was up until 2:15am working on a Christmas present. (Sorry, those who will receive said present also read this blog. No hints!) Because of that, I have no brain power left - the last of it was sucked up by my last pot-head client of the day.

Tonight the kids, my mom, and I went to Chuck's BarBQ in Herrin and then on to Candy Cane Lane in West Frankfort. (Did I ever tell you how much I despised WF when I played baseball? They always cheated, or threw at our batters, or nearly caused me to get thrown out of a game when I was 15? That's another blog.) Anyway, Candy Cane Lane in WF was just what Amanda and Luke needed. We ended up shooting the loop twice so Amanda could see all the lights, characters, and displays better than she did the first time.

What I am saying is... I am tired and going to bed. Write more tomorrow. Hopefully it will be eloquent.

Christmas in Heaven

I had another one of those sad/proud moments with Amanda last night while we decorated the Christmas tree and listened to satellite Christmas music on our TV. I truly don’t know what my life would be like if she (and Luke) weren’t a part of it right now.

After putting Luke to bed, Amanda and I strung up the lights and started putting up some of the ornaments. The first container of ornaments had the ones that Cindy and I painted our first Christmas together. Commence crying. The second group of ornaments that I found included one that I had bought Cindy early in our relationship. More crying. I tried to keep Amanda from seeing my tears - she’s seen enough of them lately - but it was to no avail. She looked at me and said, "Why are you crying, daddy? Don’t cry. Mommy’s happy and she’s watching us have fun putting up this tree." What a girl!!!

At the moment Amanda said that to me, I turned to the TV to listen to a new Christmas song. Its title was "Christmas in Heaven" and I had never heard it before. Now, I normally HATE(!) with a passion those first person songs that tell some kind of sappy story. (Butterfly Kisses, Christmas Shoe song, Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer, etc.) They are about as high on my despise list as forwarded emails telling me to forward the received email to 5 of my "friends" within the next 30 minutes and I will get good luck for 24 hours. This song, however, was one that related to me - so I will give it a pass.

It is sung from the perspective of someone in heaven and spending their first Christmas with Jesus. As you can imagine, I stopped everything, held Amanda and cried. Amanda said to me, "you miss mom, don’t you?" I had to say yes, but that I know she is having a great time now.

I don’t know what my life would be like if she weren’t a part of it right now.... nor what I would write in my blog.

Let Me Count The Ways

Have I mentioned how much I love my church? If you haven’t heard that yet, let me tell you. I love my church.

There is always something different about the service without being too different. They think of things ahead of time and are always prepared. There’s always a great and relevant message. Someone new is always stepping up to help out. The people in the congregation are constantly reaching out to help those in need. The music is outstanding and never too loud. The children’s department has fabulous teachers who are not just going through the motions. And most importantly, lives are being changed because of what our church (this group of God’s children) is doing.

Tonight I had some friends over. They have been through struggles at other churches, too. They now go to my church and feel the same way I do about our church. We all rejoiced in how nice it is to be able to go to church and work in those areas where you are gifted - not in every area because no one else is there to do it.

I love Grand Avenue. I hope you love your church as much as I do mine.

Deeper Commitment

What a day. Breakfast of Daddy (Bisquick, actually) pancakes. Baths for both kids. GACC Children’s Christmas program practice. Play date for Amanda. Nap for Luke. Award-winning chili made. Amanda’s school Christmas program with donkey costume. Grocery shopping w/o list. Feeding Luke. Cleaning up Luke’s mess of Jell-o, grapes, a napkin, and a strong right arm. (Amanda with Grandparents tonight!) Cleaning Luke. Luke to bed.

After all that, I started my own cleaning. I wish it had been another Jell-o mess. No, I am starting to go through THE FILE. You know that file. You have one. Everyone has one. It’s the filing cabinet where the not-quite-lock-box-worthy stuff is. Manuals to stuff that broke 5 yrs ago. Warrantee papers to I have no idea what. Brochures to Kissimmee/St. Cloud, FL. (Has anyone ever gone there? I bet you have a brochure from there, too!) Instruction manuals from your first cell phone, but not your latest, because you might need that one. Our file also has transcripts from high school, SIUC and Milligan College of Cindy, and one of my SIUC transcripts. (Cindy’s grades were WAAAAYYY better than mine! If only I had "applied" myself.) I found 10 yr old budgets and board minutes from the church we stopped attending nearly 3 yrs ago. I bet your papers are somewhat different - but, I bet you have a file like this one.

Well, something else in there stopped me in my tracks. It was a Testimony Worksheet that Cindy had completed. Next to it was a 3 page, hand-written, single-spaced copy of her testimony dated 6-12-90. Before tonight, I don’t remember ever seeing it. I would like to pull a couple of lines from it... if you don’t mind.

"Before deeper commitment, I had a lack of purpose. I thought, ‘Well, why don’t I drink, etc.? What’s stopping me?’ And even though I didn’t do those things, I definitely had some mixed up ideas about right and wrong. I was having ‘fun’ with my friends, but now my life has a deeper meaning. I have more peace, more joy.

I started going to church and was baptized when I was in about 6th grade. And, I’ve always been a "religious"-type person, because I didn’t do a lot of outwardly wrong things, but yet I didn’t have a mature relationship with Christ. Around my sophomore year, I began to take my faith more seriously.

At church camp one summer, we played a simulation game called "Success Story." At the end of the game, the trumpet sounded and we were all called in. And because I had spent all my time running frantically all over the place, and had literally pushed people away who were trying to tell us to repent, and not follow the ways of the world, I lost the game. I went to hell. It really hit me, too. I described me exactly: here I was, chasing after all these things (good grades, fun & friends, being the all-around best) and I wasn’t taking time out for God. Since somewhere around that time, thanks to a couple of great youth ministers & great activities like Bible Bowl, I’ve regularly attended church with a deeper appreciation for it.

More than anything, I would like to say that my prayers are being answered. My life is so much better because I have an inner peace, a real fulfillment. And even though I still have my bad days (even weeks) I know that everything is going to be ok. It is most comforting of all to know that I have eternal life."

On the way to St Louis in what ended up being our final trip to Barnes, Cindy made me promise that the next Mrs. Joe Howerton would have a deep faith in Christ above all else.

She set the bar very high.


Random thought for the day: "Did they use to tell scary ghost stories at Christmas? And that makes it the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

JTPO Will Keep Writing

A while back, I contacted one of Cindy’s college roommates about how you get started with writing a book. She used to work for Focus on the Family and is now a freelance writer who has had a few articles published. Her advice? Start writing and pray. There were a few other suggestions, but that was the gist of it. I read somewhere that Joe the Plumber has a book coming out. Of course, "serious" writers have come out against "ordinary" people like Joe the Plumber writing books. If JTP wants to cash in on his dwindling moments of fame - go for it! I bet he does have something to say. It’s the "ordinary" people who often have the most insight! (If books only came from ivory towers can you imagine how un-useful most books would be?)

At work, I sometimes have to write what’s called a Pre-Sentence Investigation (PSI) Report. I have normally been assigned one of these reports every couple of months. A PSI is basically a 10-20 page paper that is given to the Judge (and attorneys) prior to a defendant being sentenced to possible prison time so that an appropriate sentence can be handed down. It covers EVERYTHING about the defendant. It has sections about their criminal history, family/marital situation, work history, physical health, substance abuse/mental health issues present and past, treatment history, educational history, and goals/hobbies. All of those areas must be documented by the probation officer and then put into the report. It’s a huge undertaking and we normally have around 6-8 weeks to complete it - along with our regular caseload. That is why when someone is found guilty they set the sentencing so long afterwards. (This concludes your civics lesson for today. Tomorrow, "Political Reform and You".) I tell you all this because.......oh yeah. I like to write and it’s a good thing since I have to do it quite often in my job. It’s kind of the story about the client.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that Joe the Probation Officer is going to keep writing here on the blog. I don’t know if anyone really cares what I write about, but I am having fun with it. And it’s challenging in a way that is much different than any PSI.


Random thought for the day: "I miss Calvin and Hobbes."

Daniel's Story Hour Postponed

Today was my last day to work this week. I am taking Friday off to do some much needed running around/Christmas tree shopping/decorating/cleaning. There’s no possible way I will get all of those things done. Although I will be kid-free after 8am, so I should make a BIG dent into some of it..

Tonight, I cried like a baby at supper. It was awesome! While eating with Amanda at the table I remembered that I had not picked up the mail from the box outside. (UPS also showed up with a box that apparently came from the North Pole... if you get my drift!) Anyway, I allowed Amanda to open the Christmas cards that we received today. One of them was from a couple that goes to our church. They had written one of those Christmas letters I used to despise, and then participated in the construction of, and have now come to see they are actually worth while.
(Get on with it, Joe!)

I started to read the letter and they quoted Luke 2:15-20 (THE Christmas story). As I read the scripture Amanda started quoting it as I read ahead. She missed a couple of words here and there, but all in all, she got it pretty right! Well....... I cried. I cried a lot! I cried tears of joy and sadness. There was nothing that made Cindy happier than when Amanda would come home from VBS or Sunday School and quote a verse. It was the Bible Bowler in her. Did I mention I cried? Amanda was kinda scared at first with all my crying. She thought she had done something wrong. I explained that, no, I was just happy that she had been listening so well at school as they practiced their Christmas program (Sunday at 4pm @ Christ Comm.) and had picked up the verses. I told her I was also sad mom couldn’t be here to see how well she had memorized. I then told her that I believe that those in heaven can look down at us when there’s something here on earth that is special for them to see. "May I have your attention! Daniel's story hour normally scheduled for sometime today is postponed so Cindy can see Amanda quote 5 verses of scripture from memory. Daniel will return to Onyx Field 211 once Amanda is done with her quotes. Please remember, we have forever to catch his stories. He will be back in 200 years for more stories. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you."

I finally composed myself, beamed with pride, and gave Amanda a huge hug.

"We done good with that one, Hun!"

Early Present From Unlikely Source

Boy, I received a heck of an early Christmas present from Blue Cross/Blue Shield today.

Let me give you some background info. First of all, as we all know, insurance companies are evil. Darth Vader, Hitler, Rod B., child sex offender kinda evil. That one in the middle might be a stretch to make evil, but you get my drift. Cindy had a special level of loathsome-ness for insurance companies. I think her exact quote was, "I hate ‘em."

I, too, have a love-hate relationship with my health insurance. So it was surprising to me when a couple of weeks ago I received a condolence card from Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Inside was a magnet with a lady’s name and an 800 phone number. Written in the card was: "If I can be of any assistance to you, please don’t hesitate to call me at the number on the magnet." I was shocked. BCBS is huge and every time I have called, there’s a new person to deal with in "Customer Service". So today I called the magnet. She said that from now on, I am to call her and she will take care of everything. I explained the $16,000 bill, the $12,000 bill, the $9000 bill, the $1000 bill, the $1000 bill, and the untold others which are still pending from Cindy’s many stays at Barnes or with Hospice.

She listened. I explained. I questioned. She said she would work on it. We agreed she would call me back on Friday with any additional information. At 3pm today she called back with my present. She said she just couldn’t wait until Friday to give me some good news. After some wrangling with Barnes, she was able to convince them to write off the $12,000 bill. She said the $16,000 bill needs additional information which she would request herself from Barnes, the $9000 had yet to be processed, and the two $1000 bills were penalties for not getting pre-certified at Barnes within 24 hours of the admittance. She said she was not done working on all of these and would call me back on Friday.

At 5:30pm, she called me again. She just had to tell me that she had one of the $1000 penalties waived because the hospital pre-certification was late getting to BCBS, but they still received it. The second penalty was still there and Barnes needed to send the pre-cert notice and then she might be able to get that waived, too. (After all, if you waive $12,000 - what is another G?) She also said that she had the $9000 bill processed and it was covered 100%. I told her she "did good work today!" WOW.... I hear all the time about major medical bills sinking families for a long time - if they ever recover. Is there a more appropriate time to worry about money and hospital bills than right after your favorite person in the world dies? What a load off my mind. She said that she would be getting back to me in about 20 days with an update on the remaining amounts but told me to call her anytime if I had questions.

I don’t think she owned a sleigh or had a red suit with a bushy white beard, but she sure did come bearing presents!

A Cry For Help (Not me!)

So, yesterday one of my juvenile clients attempted suicide. Luckily the cuts were superficial and he is physically fine. I had just met with him on Thursday afternoon and he didn’t seem on the verge of doing something that drastic. It is amazing to me that kids today often have so much to do, often so much given to them, often allowed so much latitude, and yet... so many are screwed up in ways beyond my capabilities to fix or to comprehend.

I tried to explain to him that we shared the feelings of loss when you lose a close friend. I actually told him my whole situation in order to attempt a bond. Apparently it didn’t work. I have to remember I can’t help everyone, but I have to at least try my best.

What's a difference in our situation? I have Faith and Hope. He has marijuana and whatever else he can get his hands on, from whomever he can con. Unfortunately, this is one of dozens of kids I have to deal with in similar, yet different situations.

The one good thing about dealing with juvenile clients. I stay busy and while at work I don’t necessarily have time to mope or have a pity-party. I am still trying to play catch up from early November. Luckily, my co-workers (and bosses) took good care of me while I was away.

Remember this client in your prayers. He has some hard work and a rough road headed his way. Appearing before the Judge again is the least of his bumps before him.

How Do You Like Me Now?

For those that have only known me for the last 20 or so years, let me tell you something you might not be aware of. I wasn’t always this way.

What way was I? Cautious, fun-loving, unsure of myself, fanatical about baseball, easy-going, hungry, but always smiling. I liked that guy a lot.

What way am I now? Cautious, introspective, quiet (I know some of you are laughing at that one!), snippy, not wanting to be in a group of people, procrastinating, quiet-loving, rattled, in need of direction, cantankerous, constantly doubting myself and in need of assurances. Baseball is still my favorite sport - but pro football is sneaking up on it.

It’s amazing what 20 years, a few family deaths, family cancer scares/treatments, a renal (kidney) transplant, growing older/up, two kids and life in general will do to your mental and physical health as well as your general demeanor in life. Recently, I took some time to look back at some photo albums of Cindy’s that I hadn’t looked at in probably 10 years, if ever. The ones with the ex-boyfriend (Cindy’s, not mine), prom pictures and early Cindy & Joe pictures. I could remember what I was like then. It was the WGGH radio days, the campus ministry days @ SIUC days. Barely post-transplant time. The beginning to date Cindy days. Even then... I was more like I am now, than the way I was in my youth.

I have heard from a lot of people who think I am handling my current situation very well. Let me be honest. If you ask me, I will say I am doing fine. I’m not. I told Cindy while she was considering the future of the Howerton family that I would be ok and not to worry about me. She still worried. She could see what was coming a heck of a lot better than I could. She knew that the Joe she knew was going to have trouble with assimilating to yet another new life and its struggles. But she also knew I could handle it.

I have said it before - I don’t have the corner market on dealing with life’s situations. These are, however, the situations that I have to deal with. And no matter how much help I get, there’s some stuff that I have deal with alone.

It used to be so much easier to deal with life’s situations 20 years ago.... or even 20 months ago.

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Saturday morning I took Amanda to a special screening of The Grinch movie with Jim Carey. She was scared for part of the movie. She hid in my lap. I had forgotten that the movie has Cindy’s favorite, non-religious Christmas song in it. "Where Are You Christmas?" is a great song... I really wish they hadn’t used it so much in the movie. I would have liked to have seen more of the movie without tears.

Shallow End Of My Pool

Bills, Christmas, presents/shopping, work, phone calls, my birthday, travel plans, Rams tickets, flat tire, freezing temperatures, parents, babysitting, crying, birthday parties, clients, stress, movie date with Amanda, Luke cutting another tooth, and expectations.

These are all things I have on my plate right now. It’s not that much different from yours. Or, mine before Cindy died. It’s just that when you have an empty hole in your life, all those things you have to do seem so shallow. (Not that anything to do with Amanda or Luke is shallow.) It is just so hard to concentrate on anything for longer than a couple of minutes. If I do manage a couple of minutes of solid brain activities, I find myself re-doing what I just did because it wasn’t right.

I know there are ways around feeling this way. Those are not good options. I have heard time is a good healer. Lets go with that one.

What's In It For Me?

What is it about putting words to paper... or to screen, as is the 2008 way of doing things... that is so cathartic. I have to thank Sarah for suggesting writing my thoughts/feelings out in some manner or form. I enjoy this writing process much more than I ever thought I would.

I was thinking today, while sitting in an insanely busy courtroom full of people who had broken one or more traffic laws, about this blog and its purpose. Does it have a purpose beyond me feeling better about my life and my situation? Does it help anyone else? Does anyone else benefit in a lasting way, or does it just give the few who pass by a glimpse into a struggle they hope to God they never have to face? Does it really matter what the reason? And why did they schedule 349 people to appear in one courtroom at 9am anyway? (Insanely busy was a vast understatement!)

My reason to write is personal. I want to feel better. I want some of the pain to go away. I don’t want to have the feeling that I am no longer in control of my life. (Although, being married was not a real great way to ever feel in charge of anything, either. Guys, am I right?!?) I want to explore some of the issues that are popping up in my mind. I want to start being my old self. I want to save the $40 per week it would cost to see a shrink. It’s personal.

It’s also who I am. As cliched as it is, I want to help people. That is why I like being a probation officer. I get to try and help people out of the gutters in which they find their lives. Through this blog I can let people see what my struggle is like and how they can help me, my family, and others. And in some way, the reader of this blog might grow, too.

However, I do not have the corner market on crappy situations. Mine could be worse. I don’t want to think about it, but it’s true. There are people worse off than me. There are people worse off than me in Murphysboro. There are people worse off down the street. Thank God I am not in their shoes. They need help. They are struggling, too.

Maybe we all can learn something through my writing. Maybe I can learn about me, and you can learn about me. Maybe we can also learn about the rest of us.

I've Got Nothin' for Ya

Sorry, no blog tonight. I am just too drained - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and computer-ish-ly. Ok, that last one might be a stretch, but my computer IS getting on my last, frayed nerve.

Physically, I am just now getting over a variety of ailments that lasted two weeks. I have had juvenile clients that are weighing on me and my adult caseload is not getting caught up like I thought it should. And this foray into Juve-land and their completely different way of doing things is not really sinking in like it would if I were completely coherent at work. And I am used to always knowing my ‘stuff’.

I have people calling me at work of whom I can’t talk to, asking me questions I can’t answer and I have people with warrants who will rot in jail if they would get picked up who think they should not be punished for something they didn’t do but the Court says they have to.

I have bills that need to get paid and an insurance agent swearing that I don’t owe anything else, but hospitals and doctors who are saying otherwise.

But, I also have healthy kids that sleep through the night and friends who like my blog.
Since I don’t have much of anything to say - I'll just go to sleep now.

Words Forrest Forgot

How about something light hearted today... I sure could use it.

Is there anything better than a great slice of apple pie? Yes, two slices!

Taking a picture is easy. Taking a very good picture requires talent or luck.

Watching baseball on TV is not nearly as much fun since they put games on everyday and night of the season. Or is it because Vin and Joe aren't broadcasting the games.

I understand those new light bulbs are supposedly better for the environment. What about all that mercury that will get thrown away in the trash when they aren’t recycled?

Does the family in the picture frames ever replace the picture with one of another family?

If I have to hear that warm water freezes faster than cold water one more time I will stick my head in the freezer!

Why don’t they make cars out of the same plastic that Fisher-Price uses. After all, their toys are indestructible!

As of Wednesday, I will have been a probation officer for 7 yrs. I have probably had over 500 clients come through my office in that time. The vast majority of them have issues with drugs or alcohol. Let me just say here and now... I have no idea why they think their life would be any better with that choice.

What did we do before cell phones? (I actually saw someone Saturday, in Carbondale, talking at a pay phone.)

Why do you always have to support the home team?

Is there a better rule than the Golden Rule?

Did they say "You’re full of hot air!" before there were hot air balloons?

Airplane still makes me laugh like I have never seen it before.

Amanda saw me licking an envelope and asked me what I was doing. I forget there’s stuff she still doesn’t know.

Hope

Today’s sermon was all about Hope. Not the kind of hope that the silly, smiling preacher on TV talks about if you will just believe in yourself and have positive thoughts. I am positive that if I think great thoughts about becoming an astronaut, I would still never go into outer space. I am sure that if my positive thoughts were directed to owning a Ferrari, the closest I would get to one would be a Car & Driver magazine. His hope is you continue to buy his "insightful" books and watch his slick TV show... I mean, sermon.

This Hope that I believe in is not based on what we can do or think about. It is solely based on what our Savior has already done and the promise we have because of His compassion. That Hope becomes more apparent this Advent season and continues through Easter. Our pastor said today that his life is based entirely on this Hope. I hadn’t thought about it quite this way until he said it like he did. His (and my) life, the way he leads his family, what he does with his money, how he behaves in public, the way he raises his children, (his education and occupation, too) are all based on his Hope. (I ‘hope’ I got that right, Brooks.)

It is also this Hope that gives me peace in knowing that someday I will again see my dad, my grandparents, and my wife/best friend.

With Christmas around the corner, kids are great inspirations in how to look hopeful. I will try to emulate those exuberant kids and show Hope to those around me. After all, I know Hope and I know the One who is Hope.

Although, maybe all I need to do is to just keep smiling - it seems to work for some people.

Update on Family

It’s been a month now since Cindy passed away. Earlier today I explained to Amanda what being a widow(er) means. Later, she was playing with her new Barbies and said that one of them was a widow. Wonder what happened to Ken?

Thanksgiving night she prayed, "Dear Lord, I would say Happy Thanksgiving to mommy if she hadn’t died. So I hope you will tell her that." I cry most nights during her prayers. She continues to amaze me with her grasp of what has happened and what it means to her and our family. She still asks me if I am ever going to get married again. And then she informs me "probably not." Her birthday party at SI Bowl was really fun last week. She was a total princess for nearly 3 hours. She's 5??? She received scrapbooking materials from her class at school and wants to start a "Mommy and Me" book. (She is her mother's child!) I will be printing off a bunch of pictures of her and Cindy for the album so she can get started on it soon.

Luke is quite a bundle of energy and attitude. He is really on the verge of talking a lot. Like most boys his age (19mo) he’s all about fire engines, trucks, and noisy things. And, despite his hefty appearance, he still eats like a bird.

I am doing pretty well... considering. I am having a heck of a time putting my arms around finding a routine. I work well with a routine. Not having one is driving me crazy. Bed time is still a struggle with the kids, but I have help some nights. Amanda is really stepping up and becoming a big girl and a good helper.

We are continuing to receive condolence cards, food, and gifts. I thank each of you for whatever you have done for my family.

What Are You People Doing?

There’s a strange phenomenon that happens when someone close to you dies. It's called "Life". Not your life, but everyone else’s life. Their life does not stop. They still have to buy gas. They still need groceries. They still go to work. They still take the kids to soccer, school, play dates, etc. They still talk about who won "Dancing With the Stars". (Yeah, Brooke!) They even still pass you driving 65mph on Route 13.

It’s funny, but I thought everyone would take a few days off from what they have to do. I did. I don’t understand why they didn’t.

Now everyone is in a hurry to buy Christmas presents. Can’t they see I am hurting here? Don’t they know that I have no clue what I am doing? Don’t they know there are thousands of others hurting and needing help, too?

I wonder how many people I drove past (at 65mph) on Route 13 who needed help while I was living my "old" life.

Big Shoes

There’s a sentence everyone hears when they are going through a struggle. "God won’t give you anymore than you can handle." I used to think that sentence was a) trite and b) not helpful. Now I know that sentence is trite and not helpful. It really does no good to anyone in the middle of a struggle to have that said to them. Don’t say it no matter how much you feel led to say it. It’s about as good as when someone at a funeral says "boy, _________ sure looks good/natural/like herself." It’s one of those sentences that you need to have in the back of your mind - something that you inherently believe - that you can lean on. You just don’t need to have it said to you while you are in the middle of the pain. Why? Because you are already feeling that you can’t handle it, and now hearing it adds guilt for not trusting in God on top of everything else you are feeling.

A while back, someone told me "God won’t give you anymore than you can handle." I guess they didn’t know how I felt about that phrase. I said to them politely, "I know. But He’s getting darn close!" Then, on the way back from one of the 40+ trips to St. Louis, I thought about the sentence from a different angle. (One of my "gifts" is the ability to look at things from a different perspective.)

Ok, so apparently every situation you are presented with you should be able to get through. It may not seem like you can, but you will. All right - I get that. Here’s my new take on the sentence from a different perspective. If you are presented a situation, you also have (or will have) the needed resources at your disposal to get through the situation. WHAT??? If the Lord decides to take your wife, the mother of your children... you are either equipped to handle their childhood and your family needs without that person, or God will provide those who can step into the role either temporarily or permanently. It doesn’t mean there won’t be pain, sadness, loneliness, or heart ache. It just means there’s help from God.

I have a hard time asking for help. Even help sent by God.

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart

Lately, I have had a very busy time at work. As a probation officer, you never, ever, get to complete any task without being interrupted. There’s always a client, a phone call, court, a boss, a co-worker, a new case, a phone call, mail, an angry client, a court appearance, an email, a phone call, an angry parent, or something that HAS to have your attention right then. This week, like most holiday weeks, has had it fair share of crises that needed my attention. And then I get home and the whirlwind of kids and mail and my new life take over until I collapse to watch TV3 10 o’clock weather and SportsCenter. Because of that I have not had time to look ahead to the coming weeks of insane shopping or the celebration of the birth of my Savior. BUT, I have also not had time to stop - right now - and appreciate what I have in my life. You know, for THANKSGIVING.

Right now - I am taking time to appreciate what I do have.

Healthy kids with smiles of gold and unlimited hugs, a mom that will do anything for me and does, a house that is standing, cars that work, a church that is on fire for the Lord and our community, new friends, old acquaintances and friends who are stepping up to help, memories, a job with real job security, freedom to say anything or go anywhere or worship anywhere/anytime, family (both mine and by marriage) who are there for me without question, completed Creative Memories albums, and the promise of the Cross.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Thinking about...

Last night, I started getting sick. You know, the creepin’ up on you and before you know it you have a cold and your nose is looking like a strawberry, sick? Because of that, I took some cold medicine that "May Cause Drowsiness". It did. And I woke up two hours later with a backache that lasted all day. And then the sneezing began.

Lately, I have had a lot of time to think. That is not always a good thing. The problem is that the time for me to think is normally well after the kids get to sleep. When you have time to think, you sometimes don’t think of constructive thoughts. I have read leadership books and articles that say that if you can set aside 30 minutes a day (who has that???) to just sit and think, you will train yourself to be more organized and your decisions will be more wise. Yeah, right.

I still sit at the computer, either working or playing, and my mind thinks that Cindy is going to come downstairs with a bowl of raspberry-chocolate ice cream (Graeter’s brand from Cincinnati, OH). My mind thinks that it’s about time to travel to Barnes again. My mind still wonders how Cindy ever was able to endue her constant pain. My mind wonders what she is seeing right now. Has she asked Noah "why mosquitos?" Does she get a daily sermon from Jesus or Timothy or Paul or John? Has she told Luke that she has a son named after him?

Who invented Kleenex and did they get rich?

Not constructive thinking... but necessary at this moment.

How Do You Do It?

Let me tell you something. I have no idea how single parents (either male or female) are able to raise kids without help. I am not talking governmental help - I am pretty sure that no American government agency will send over someone on a Sunday morning to help you get your kids ready for church at 9:45am. I sure hope there's not. Maybe for an ACLU gathering, but definitely not for church. Although, the Feds (and Rod B.) seem to be moving closer to constant "help" every day for those of us who are “poor”.

I can see it now.... in IL it would be "All Help", just sign up for this program and our Governor will make sure you have whatever help you need, whenever you need it. Funding would be paid for by Casinos on every creek in IL, naming rights for all the State Police Cruisers and the leasing revenue from historic sights like Lincoln’s tomb and Cahokia mounds. This would occur right after “All-Pets” - Rod’s plan to cover all pets in IL with vet insurance.

I digress. I have learned in the last several months, and specifically since Cindy died, that my ability is not adequate to handle two kids, 5 and under, by myself for any length of time. I guess that is why on Full House there was Cousin Jesse and the other guy living with the Tanners. And then add to it one sick kid and another one trying to cut a tooth? I just was not mentally equipped for this challenge.

However, I think if Duct tape was an appropriate way to control kids - I could manage it all quite nicely. - Just a joke - I would NEVER use Duct tape. Too much residue.

Help out a single mom/dad in the next couple of weeks. They will need the help to get away and buy/wrap presents… away from the kids.

Last email on Cindy

I have started this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I need to continue to find an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, etc. Secondly, I have been told I have a knack for writing - so who am I to argue. Third, I have always wanted a blog of my own. Most people I know who have one, have nothing much to say that I care to read about.

This first entry is the last email I sent out to notify friends and distant family that my wife had died. This email was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I poured my soul into it. It says as much about my wife as it does about me if you will read deeply. I will post more in the coming days, weeks, and months. This is just a start - it also may be the finish. Time will tell.

________________________________________________________________________________________________
1 Thess 4:11-14
Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. (from New International Version)
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi everyone,
I told you I would probably not write much more. There is really need for this one last email. This will take me a while to write.

Cindy died this morning, Oct. 29 at 1:27am, with me by her side in the hospice room at St. Joseph's hospital right after the Geoff Moore song "When All is Said and Done" ended. We believe that she is now walking on streets of gold and preparing the ultimate Bible Bowl team practice. She is finally free of pain after 14 months of dealing with the raveges of ovarian cancer. There was not a day in the last 14 months that she did not have pain - often debilitating pain. This afternoon, when I woke from my first real sleep in 2 days, I felt relieved. It was relief that I did not have to worry about how Cindy was feeling for the first time in over 420 days. Our family, despite extreme saddness, can now rejoice together that God's child is finally home. As Amanda said this morning, "Good for Mom, sad for us." At nearly 5 years old, she understands this much more than we do!

The above verse is Cindy's life in a nutshell. She was not someone who would lead a life seeking attention, but helped those that needed help. She was a great wife at home and excellent worker at her job. She lived her life and her faith. There was no doubt that she was a Christian and she would not back away from proclaiming it - but she wasn't going to scream it from a bullhorn. Her life was her witness for Christ - the most effective method to preach. She loved her church, Grand Avenue Christian Church in Carbondale, IL because it reflects the qualities I just mentioned. She enjoyed the joyous journey of life. She taught many young Christians thousands of Bible verses through her role as sponsor of Bible Bowl teams at First Christian and Grand Avenue churches. Even today, those students can appreciate their love of Scriptures because of the work Cindy did with them years ago.

Our prayer that began with the cancer diagnosis, reaffirmed only 3 weeks ago with Cindy, was that someone would see Christ through our struggle. I know I saw Christ through Cindy's struggle.

Her best job was that of mother. Looking at Amanda, you can see her work as a Christian mom. I suspect Luke will also grow in Christ because of the groundwork laid by Cindy.

Cindy was my best friend long before she became my best friend and my wife. We were only married for 9 years, but in those years we managed a lifetime of memories. I will miss her immensely - but her life (and likeness) will live on through our children and in those that she touched.

I can not name everyone who has walked this journey with us - and like an Oscar winner, I would surely leave someone out only to remember them right after I press "send". So, I will not even try. Please rest assured that every one of you was highly thought of by Cindy. We talked nearly every day about each card, email, meal, phone call, text msg, or prayer that was received on our behalf. Even as the concern for our family continues, please remember that Cindy is thankful. In the coming weeks and months I will be considering something that I can champion in Cindy's memory. I will let you know if something materializes.

Several months back, I asked you to notify me of all the churches/cities that were praying for Cindy. I realized that I never published the list I compiled but have added it to the end of this email. Your prayers were answered - prefectly and in God's time. The list amazes me - especially knowing that it is not complete; only those that I know about specifically.

Thank you and remember "God is Good all the time."
Joe

Cindy's Visitation will be Sunday 4-7pm. Funeral Monday 10am. Both at Grand Avenue Christian Church in Carbondale IL. The church is located at 1305 East Grand Avenue.

Grand Avenue Christian Church, Carbondale, IL
Evangelical Christian Church, Valley View, Pennsylvania
Crainville Baptist, Crainville, IL
First Christian Church, Murphysboro, IL
Christ Community Church, Murphysboro, IL
Lowman, NY
Bible Believers Baptist Church, Liberty, IN
Grace Bible Church, Urbana, IL
Lancaster, Ohio
Pittman Park United Methodist Church, Statesboro, GA
The Vineyard, Cambridge, MA
Macomb, IL
United Methodist Church, Macomb, IL
Lutheran Church, Collinsville, IL
Seattle, WA
Bloomington, IL
Second Baptist Church, Marion, IL
Murdale Baptist Church, Carbondale, IL
Lakeside Christian Church, Cincinnati, OH
Cornerstone United Methodist Church, Portsmouth, OH
Farmers Christian Church, Morehead, KY
Catholic Church, Milford, OH
Savannah Diocese, Savannah, GA
Our Lady of the Assumption, Sylvania, GA
Grace Community Church, Mt. Vernon, IL
St James Episcopal, Glastonbury, CT
Christ Presbyterian Church, Nashville, TN
First Christian Church, Anna, IL
Bethalto Christian Church, Bethalto, IL
Harvester Christian Church, St Charles, MO
Gateway Beginner Bible Bowl Coaches (St. Louis, MO)
First Christian Church in Sylvania, GA
Ava Assembly of God, Ava, IL
Northwest Bible Church - Kansas City, MO
First Alliance Church, Richmond, KY
Catholic Church, Carterville, IL
Eden Prairie, MN
Belleville, IL
Wichita, KS
Aldersgate UMC, Marion, IL
St. Xavier Catholic Church, Carbondale, IL
St. Andrews Catholic Church. Murphysboro, IL
Collinsville, IL
Bridgetown Church of Christ, Cincinnati, OH
Georgetown, KY Baptist Church
Epiphany Lutheran Church, Carbondale, IL
Winchester, IL
Berean Christian Church, Murphysboro, IL
United Methodist Church, Murphysboro, IL
Price Hill Church of Christ – Cincinnati, OH
Good Samaritan Church- Tampa Bay, FL
Niedringhaus United Methodist – Granite City, IL
Hardwick Christian Church – Milledgeville, GA
Whitewater Crossing Christian Church – Cincinnati, OH
Lakeshore Christian Church – Antioch, TN
Southern Illinois Bible Bowl Round Robin – Springfield, IL
Little Prairie Christian Church – Albion, IL
Chicago, IL
Jacksonville, IL
Washington, DC
Union Hill Christian Church – Carbondale, IL
Bradenton, FL
City Union Mission - Kansas City, MO

(This email took me two hours to write.)