Bills, Christmas, presents/shopping, work, phone calls, my birthday, travel plans, Rams tickets, flat tire, freezing temperatures, parents, babysitting, crying, birthday parties, clients, stress, movie date with Amanda, Luke cutting another tooth, and expectations.
These are all things I have on my plate right now. It’s not that much different from yours. Or, mine before Cindy died. It’s just that when you have an empty hole in your life, all those things you have to do seem so shallow. (Not that anything to do with Amanda or Luke is shallow.) It is just so hard to concentrate on anything for longer than a couple of minutes. If I do manage a couple of minutes of solid brain activities, I find myself re-doing what I just did because it wasn’t right.
I know there are ways around feeling this way. Those are not good options. I have heard time is a good healer. Lets go with that one.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
What's In It For Me?
What is it about putting words to paper... or to screen, as is the 2008 way of doing things... that is so cathartic. I have to thank Sarah for suggesting writing my thoughts/feelings out in some manner or form. I enjoy this writing process much more than I ever thought I would.
I was thinking today, while sitting in an insanely busy courtroom full of people who had broken one or more traffic laws, about this blog and its purpose. Does it have a purpose beyond me feeling better about my life and my situation? Does it help anyone else? Does anyone else benefit in a lasting way, or does it just give the few who pass by a glimpse into a struggle they hope to God they never have to face? Does it really matter what the reason? And why did they schedule 349 people to appear in one courtroom at 9am anyway? (Insanely busy was a vast understatement!)
My reason to write is personal. I want to feel better. I want some of the pain to go away. I don’t want to have the feeling that I am no longer in control of my life. (Although, being married was not a real great way to ever feel in charge of anything, either. Guys, am I right?!?) I want to explore some of the issues that are popping up in my mind. I want to start being my old self. I want to save the $40 per week it would cost to see a shrink. It’s personal.
It’s also who I am. As cliched as it is, I want to help people. That is why I like being a probation officer. I get to try and help people out of the gutters in which they find their lives. Through this blog I can let people see what my struggle is like and how they can help me, my family, and others. And in some way, the reader of this blog might grow, too.
However, I do not have the corner market on crappy situations. Mine could be worse. I don’t want to think about it, but it’s true. There are people worse off than me. There are people worse off than me in Murphysboro. There are people worse off down the street. Thank God I am not in their shoes. They need help. They are struggling, too.
Maybe we all can learn something through my writing. Maybe I can learn about me, and you can learn about me. Maybe we can also learn about the rest of us.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I've Got Nothin' for Ya
Sorry, no blog tonight. I am just too drained - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and computer-ish-ly. Ok, that last one might be a stretch, but my computer IS getting on my last, frayed nerve.
Physically, I am just now getting over a variety of ailments that lasted two weeks. I have had juvenile clients that are weighing on me and my adult caseload is not getting caught up like I thought it should. And this foray into Juve-land and their completely different way of doing things is not really sinking in like it would if I were completely coherent at work. And I am used to always knowing my ‘stuff’.
I have people calling me at work of whom I can’t talk to, asking me questions I can’t answer and I have people with warrants who will rot in jail if they would get picked up who think they should not be punished for something they didn’t do but the Court says they have to.
I have bills that need to get paid and an insurance agent swearing that I don’t owe anything else, but hospitals and doctors who are saying otherwise.
But, I also have healthy kids that sleep through the night and friends who like my blog.
Since I don’t have much of anything to say - I'll just go to sleep now.
Physically, I am just now getting over a variety of ailments that lasted two weeks. I have had juvenile clients that are weighing on me and my adult caseload is not getting caught up like I thought it should. And this foray into Juve-land and their completely different way of doing things is not really sinking in like it would if I were completely coherent at work. And I am used to always knowing my ‘stuff’.
I have people calling me at work of whom I can’t talk to, asking me questions I can’t answer and I have people with warrants who will rot in jail if they would get picked up who think they should not be punished for something they didn’t do but the Court says they have to.
I have bills that need to get paid and an insurance agent swearing that I don’t owe anything else, but hospitals and doctors who are saying otherwise.
But, I also have healthy kids that sleep through the night and friends who like my blog.
Since I don’t have much of anything to say - I'll just go to sleep now.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Words Forrest Forgot
How about something light hearted today... I sure could use it.
Is there anything better than a great slice of apple pie? Yes, two slices!
Taking a picture is easy. Taking a very good picture requires talent or luck.
Watching baseball on TV is not nearly as much fun since they put games on everyday and night of the season. Or is it because Vin and Joe aren't broadcasting the games.
I understand those new light bulbs are supposedly better for the environment. What about all that mercury that will get thrown away in the trash when they aren’t recycled?
Does the family in the picture frames ever replace the picture with one of another family?
If I have to hear that warm water freezes faster than cold water one more time I will stick my head in the freezer!
Why don’t they make cars out of the same plastic that Fisher-Price uses. After all, their toys are indestructible!
As of Wednesday, I will have been a probation officer for 7 yrs. I have probably had over 500 clients come through my office in that time. The vast majority of them have issues with drugs or alcohol. Let me just say here and now... I have no idea why they think their life would be any better with that choice.
What did we do before cell phones? (I actually saw someone Saturday, in Carbondale, talking at a pay phone.)
Why do you always have to support the home team?
Is there a better rule than the Golden Rule?
Did they say "You’re full of hot air!" before there were hot air balloons?
Airplane still makes me laugh like I have never seen it before.
Amanda saw me licking an envelope and asked me what I was doing. I forget there’s stuff she still doesn’t know.
Is there anything better than a great slice of apple pie? Yes, two slices!
Taking a picture is easy. Taking a very good picture requires talent or luck.
Watching baseball on TV is not nearly as much fun since they put games on everyday and night of the season. Or is it because Vin and Joe aren't broadcasting the games.
I understand those new light bulbs are supposedly better for the environment. What about all that mercury that will get thrown away in the trash when they aren’t recycled?
Does the family in the picture frames ever replace the picture with one of another family?
If I have to hear that warm water freezes faster than cold water one more time I will stick my head in the freezer!
Why don’t they make cars out of the same plastic that Fisher-Price uses. After all, their toys are indestructible!
As of Wednesday, I will have been a probation officer for 7 yrs. I have probably had over 500 clients come through my office in that time. The vast majority of them have issues with drugs or alcohol. Let me just say here and now... I have no idea why they think their life would be any better with that choice.
What did we do before cell phones? (I actually saw someone Saturday, in Carbondale, talking at a pay phone.)
Why do you always have to support the home team?
Is there a better rule than the Golden Rule?
Did they say "You’re full of hot air!" before there were hot air balloons?
Airplane still makes me laugh like I have never seen it before.
Amanda saw me licking an envelope and asked me what I was doing. I forget there’s stuff she still doesn’t know.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Hope
Today’s sermon was all about Hope. Not the kind of hope that the silly, smiling preacher on TV talks about if you will just believe in yourself and have positive thoughts. I am positive that if I think great thoughts about becoming an astronaut, I would still never go into outer space. I am sure that if my positive thoughts were directed to owning a Ferrari, the closest I would get to one would be a Car & Driver magazine. His hope is you continue to buy his "insightful" books and watch his slick TV show... I mean, sermon.
This Hope that I believe in is not based on what we can do or think about. It is solely based on what our Savior has already done and the promise we have because of His compassion. That Hope becomes more apparent this Advent season and continues through Easter. Our pastor said today that his life is based entirely on this Hope. I hadn’t thought about it quite this way until he said it like he did. His (and my) life, the way he leads his family, what he does with his money, how he behaves in public, the way he raises his children, (his education and occupation, too) are all based on his Hope. (I ‘hope’ I got that right, Brooks.)
It is also this Hope that gives me peace in knowing that someday I will again see my dad, my grandparents, and my wife/best friend.
With Christmas around the corner, kids are great inspirations in how to look hopeful. I will try to emulate those exuberant kids and show Hope to those around me. After all, I know Hope and I know the One who is Hope.
Although, maybe all I need to do is to just keep smiling - it seems to work for some people.
This Hope that I believe in is not based on what we can do or think about. It is solely based on what our Savior has already done and the promise we have because of His compassion. That Hope becomes more apparent this Advent season and continues through Easter. Our pastor said today that his life is based entirely on this Hope. I hadn’t thought about it quite this way until he said it like he did. His (and my) life, the way he leads his family, what he does with his money, how he behaves in public, the way he raises his children, (his education and occupation, too) are all based on his Hope. (I ‘hope’ I got that right, Brooks.)
It is also this Hope that gives me peace in knowing that someday I will again see my dad, my grandparents, and my wife/best friend.
With Christmas around the corner, kids are great inspirations in how to look hopeful. I will try to emulate those exuberant kids and show Hope to those around me. After all, I know Hope and I know the One who is Hope.
Although, maybe all I need to do is to just keep smiling - it seems to work for some people.
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