How Do You Like Me Now?

For those that have only known me for the last 20 or so years, let me tell you something you might not be aware of. I wasn’t always this way.

What way was I? Cautious, fun-loving, unsure of myself, fanatical about baseball, easy-going, hungry, but always smiling. I liked that guy a lot.

What way am I now? Cautious, introspective, quiet (I know some of you are laughing at that one!), snippy, not wanting to be in a group of people, procrastinating, quiet-loving, rattled, in need of direction, cantankerous, constantly doubting myself and in need of assurances. Baseball is still my favorite sport - but pro football is sneaking up on it.

It’s amazing what 20 years, a few family deaths, family cancer scares/treatments, a renal (kidney) transplant, growing older/up, two kids and life in general will do to your mental and physical health as well as your general demeanor in life. Recently, I took some time to look back at some photo albums of Cindy’s that I hadn’t looked at in probably 10 years, if ever. The ones with the ex-boyfriend (Cindy’s, not mine), prom pictures and early Cindy & Joe pictures. I could remember what I was like then. It was the WGGH radio days, the campus ministry days @ SIUC days. Barely post-transplant time. The beginning to date Cindy days. Even then... I was more like I am now, than the way I was in my youth.

I have heard from a lot of people who think I am handling my current situation very well. Let me be honest. If you ask me, I will say I am doing fine. I’m not. I told Cindy while she was considering the future of the Howerton family that I would be ok and not to worry about me. She still worried. She could see what was coming a heck of a lot better than I could. She knew that the Joe she knew was going to have trouble with assimilating to yet another new life and its struggles. But she also knew I could handle it.

I have said it before - I don’t have the corner market on dealing with life’s situations. These are, however, the situations that I have to deal with. And no matter how much help I get, there’s some stuff that I have deal with alone.

It used to be so much easier to deal with life’s situations 20 years ago.... or even 20 months ago.

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Saturday morning I took Amanda to a special screening of The Grinch movie with Jim Carey. She was scared for part of the movie. She hid in my lap. I had forgotten that the movie has Cindy’s favorite, non-religious Christmas song in it. "Where Are You Christmas?" is a great song... I really wish they hadn’t used it so much in the movie. I would have liked to have seen more of the movie without tears.