As far as being a dad goes - I think I am doing pretty well. I love being a dad. I am one of those "hands on" dads. I love giving my kids "airplane" rides complete with turbulence. I love playing trains with Luke and cooking with Amanda. Is there a better feeling than when you first get home from work and you hear "daddy, daddy, daddy" from your two favorite people in the world as they run as fast as their growing legs can carry them? Is there any wonder I come home for lunch everyday? I love watching Luke’s brain try to figure out the best way to get me to forget about what I’m doing and to sit with him in the living room floor. I love Amanda’s 5 year old going on 11 brain attempting to argue the merits of whatever argument she is trying to win.
I love to watch Luke run from the kitchen sink to the play area (dinning room) 10 times in a row - all the while watching himself in the kitchen sliding glass door. Or, Amanda drawing or crafting or scrapbooking like her mom or ‘advanced’ coloring like her dad does.
I’m still amazed by Amanda and her ability to cope with this situation that our family is in. She is still pretty well adjusted. She has a few moments - nothing like before - where she is sad/angry. She still has me crying nearly every night during our prayers. She has now started to wear one of Cindy’s t-shirts as a night shirt. Nearly every night she says something like, "Do I look like mommy in this shirt?" With her curly hair, she could wear a box and still look like Cindy. As one of Cindy’s friends said - "she is a Mini-Me."
Some of Cindy’s childhood friends have authored and had printed a hard cover book of childhood memories of Cindy. It was one of the nicest gestures anyone has done for us. Amanda and I are slowly reading through that book each night before bed. I have heard some of the stories, but others are new even to me. Some are "don’t you dare do that" stories, while others are more benign. I am sure Amanda and Luke will get more out of the stories (and a few ideas!) when they grow up a little bit more, but they’re still fun now for Amanda. I am also enjoying the book as I travel this grief road and remember Cindy in better times.
Say what you want about single parents raising kids in this PC world... but take it from a single dad.... no matter how good a dad you are... you can’t be a mom.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Music City, USA
This long weekend, Amanda and I packed up and hit Music City, USA. Well, actually we drove past Nashville to Franklin, TN, home of everyone with money in the Nashville area and also Cindy’s cousin’s family. It has been quite a long time since I had been to the Nashville area and I wanted to make good on a promised vacation with Amanda. We were supposed to go to the Wisconsin Dells last summer, but Cindy was never well enough for a 4 day car trip and water parks. Amanda had been after me to go where we can "stay in a fancy hotel". To Amanda, anyplace that is not home is a fancy hotel - I hope she always believe that because that will save a TON of money in the coming years! On a side note - many of the houses in Franklin are unbelievably huge. If you get a chance to go that direction... just drive around. It’s worth the cost of gas!
In fact, we did stay at a "fancy" hotel - the Hyatt Place in Franklin on Friday night. I picked that one because they had a pool and I guessed that a Hyatt would keep their pool fairly clean. That kinda stuff is important to me! They did, in fact, have a pool.... an outdoor, closed for the season pool. Luckily they had a 42" LCD TV in the room which is the next best thing for Amanda and dad!
Anyway, this trip was also a vacation for Joe. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old is a vacation. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old and a 22 mo old is torture by anyone’s definition, therefore, Luke got to stay home with the grandparents. I was also in need of some time away from our "grind". I have not had a lot of time away from home and it’s rare I get fun time with Amanda. I also wanted Amanda to have some time with her nearly year old cousin. Cindy was very close with her cousins and I want to try and nurture that bond with Amanda and the next generation of cousins, too.
Cindy and I had been to Franklin a number of years ago and loved the quaint downtown. I thought of that trip as I drove I-24. I burst into tears, not even conscience that I was doing it, as I began to think of Cindy. What was supposed to be just a vacation ended up a trip through my memories of Cindy. She and I vacationed nearly every fall in Gatlinburg so I could place a memory at nearly every exit and every town along the way. I remembered our 1st (pre-dating) trip to Johnson City, TN to see a DC Talk concert. I remembered her driving my old ‘93 Eagle Talon on that trip and helping her adjust the driver’s side mirror as she drove along the Interstate. I remembered that we didn’t correct a car salesman when he took us for an engaged couple so that we could spend the afternoon test driving a Honda Del Sol alone. I remembered that after that particular trip we started dating. I remembered her knowing exactly how far it was to anyplace else since she had driven that road numerous times on her way to and from Milligan College in the eastern corner of TN. I remembered how often we would say that eating out was the reason you went on vacation.
It was a good trip. Our hosts were awesome. I also met a wonderful Christian couple with whom I have now become friends through a golf tournament that I didn’t even attend (a blog for another day). A very nice sheriff’s deputy in Franklin was also kind. (Another story for another blog!) It was a good trip.
A good vacation and a good trip down my memories.
In fact, we did stay at a "fancy" hotel - the Hyatt Place in Franklin on Friday night. I picked that one because they had a pool and I guessed that a Hyatt would keep their pool fairly clean. That kinda stuff is important to me! They did, in fact, have a pool.... an outdoor, closed for the season pool. Luckily they had a 42" LCD TV in the room which is the next best thing for Amanda and dad!
Anyway, this trip was also a vacation for Joe. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old is a vacation. A 4 hour trip with a 5 yr old and a 22 mo old is torture by anyone’s definition, therefore, Luke got to stay home with the grandparents. I was also in need of some time away from our "grind". I have not had a lot of time away from home and it’s rare I get fun time with Amanda. I also wanted Amanda to have some time with her nearly year old cousin. Cindy was very close with her cousins and I want to try and nurture that bond with Amanda and the next generation of cousins, too.
Cindy and I had been to Franklin a number of years ago and loved the quaint downtown. I thought of that trip as I drove I-24. I burst into tears, not even conscience that I was doing it, as I began to think of Cindy. What was supposed to be just a vacation ended up a trip through my memories of Cindy. She and I vacationed nearly every fall in Gatlinburg so I could place a memory at nearly every exit and every town along the way. I remembered our 1st (pre-dating) trip to Johnson City, TN to see a DC Talk concert. I remembered her driving my old ‘93 Eagle Talon on that trip and helping her adjust the driver’s side mirror as she drove along the Interstate. I remembered that we didn’t correct a car salesman when he took us for an engaged couple so that we could spend the afternoon test driving a Honda Del Sol alone. I remembered that after that particular trip we started dating. I remembered her knowing exactly how far it was to anyplace else since she had driven that road numerous times on her way to and from Milligan College in the eastern corner of TN. I remembered how often we would say that eating out was the reason you went on vacation.
It was a good trip. Our hosts were awesome. I also met a wonderful Christian couple with whom I have now become friends through a golf tournament that I didn’t even attend (a blog for another day). A very nice sheriff’s deputy in Franklin was also kind. (Another story for another blog!) It was a good trip.
A good vacation and a good trip down my memories.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Teach The Poor Origami
What is your motivation for doing things? Why do we do, what we do, when we do it? Why do I write so many questions in my blogs?
I write a lot about my job on here because, well, it’s where I spend most of my waking hours. I also write about it because my workplace is literally a microcosm of every walk of life. I have supervised doctors, accountants, well-known college athletes, plumbers, children of well-to-do community members, teachers, factory workers, iron workers, truck drivers, cable installers, phone solicitors, business owners, drug dealers, attempted murderers, drunk drivers, high school and college students and everyone in between.
Every day I am also treated with a front row seat to people in the squaller of life’s depths, and yet I (and a few others) am doing exactly what I believe I was put on earth to do. My job is to "motivate" those who aren’t in the norms of society’s rules by having them take steps (by court order) to amend wrongdoing and again become productive members of society. This "motivation" aspect of the job is what differentiates a successful outcome with those who don’t change a blasted thing. If you can find someone’s motivation, you have a much better chance of success. (They call it the "hook" when we go to our trainings.)
I have been thinking a lot about my own motivations in doing things. Do I do things because it’s in my best interest? Do I do them because they are in the best interest of my kids? Do I do them because in the short-term it is easier and I will let the eventual outcome play itself out? Do I even care what the long-term consequences are? Have I always been this way or have I had someone to mask this for the last 10 years. Am I now in a position where I should not trust my heart nor head to make decisions?
If you can’t trust your heart and head - what’s left?
I write a lot about my job on here because, well, it’s where I spend most of my waking hours. I also write about it because my workplace is literally a microcosm of every walk of life. I have supervised doctors, accountants, well-known college athletes, plumbers, children of well-to-do community members, teachers, factory workers, iron workers, truck drivers, cable installers, phone solicitors, business owners, drug dealers, attempted murderers, drunk drivers, high school and college students and everyone in between.
Every day I am also treated with a front row seat to people in the squaller of life’s depths, and yet I (and a few others) am doing exactly what I believe I was put on earth to do. My job is to "motivate" those who aren’t in the norms of society’s rules by having them take steps (by court order) to amend wrongdoing and again become productive members of society. This "motivation" aspect of the job is what differentiates a successful outcome with those who don’t change a blasted thing. If you can find someone’s motivation, you have a much better chance of success. (They call it the "hook" when we go to our trainings.)
I have been thinking a lot about my own motivations in doing things. Do I do things because it’s in my best interest? Do I do them because they are in the best interest of my kids? Do I do them because in the short-term it is easier and I will let the eventual outcome play itself out? Do I even care what the long-term consequences are? Have I always been this way or have I had someone to mask this for the last 10 years. Am I now in a position where I should not trust my heart nor head to make decisions?
If you can’t trust your heart and head - what’s left?
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Blog title is taken from the song Shine by the Newsboys.Friday, February 6, 2009
Put This On The List
How come the days you expect to get lots of things done... nothing gets done. Is there a reason for that?
My job is one where you can plan to have a day free of distractions or interruptions and !BAM! everyone and their baby’s momma calls. Now don’t get me wrong. I like talking to people. If it weren’t for people, I would be out of a job and my job would not have nearly as many comical moments. (But my office would smell so much better!) Occasionally, the police reports do offer some laughs... like the one recently where they were searching a house for a suspected sexual assault assailant and came across a box next to my soon-to-be client’s bed that had "weed" written on it. You just can’t make this stuff up!
But really, is there any way other than to completely shut out the world to get stuff done?
One of the things that I admired about Cindy... but never told her... was how organized she was. And how organized she kept our family, too. Ok, I actually made fun of her for her incessant list making. I have attempted to duplicate her system of lists and other than the grocery list... I am failing miserably. At work, it took me about a year to find my stride with my own way of doing things. I tried other officer’s methods of keeping track of 100+ clients (156 clients my first year) but only when I did things my way - through trial and error - did I learn my lesson. Do it your way and as Dr. Sarah taught me with the kids... whatever works.
There’s so many areas where I can’t fill Cindy’s shoes. In some areas I don’t even try. Other areas, it’s not about filling her shoes but wearing my own.
(Why have I been using so many illustrations lately involving shoes???)
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I have re-added the Comment area to my blog if you feel the need to drop me a line or comment on the blog. Feel free to express yourself... you won’t hurt my feelings. I can always delete it!
My job is one where you can plan to have a day free of distractions or interruptions and !BAM! everyone and their baby’s momma calls. Now don’t get me wrong. I like talking to people. If it weren’t for people, I would be out of a job and my job would not have nearly as many comical moments. (But my office would smell so much better!) Occasionally, the police reports do offer some laughs... like the one recently where they were searching a house for a suspected sexual assault assailant and came across a box next to my soon-to-be client’s bed that had "weed" written on it. You just can’t make this stuff up!
But really, is there any way other than to completely shut out the world to get stuff done?
One of the things that I admired about Cindy... but never told her... was how organized she was. And how organized she kept our family, too. Ok, I actually made fun of her for her incessant list making. I have attempted to duplicate her system of lists and other than the grocery list... I am failing miserably. At work, it took me about a year to find my stride with my own way of doing things. I tried other officer’s methods of keeping track of 100+ clients (156 clients my first year) but only when I did things my way - through trial and error - did I learn my lesson. Do it your way and as Dr. Sarah taught me with the kids... whatever works.
There’s so many areas where I can’t fill Cindy’s shoes. In some areas I don’t even try. Other areas, it’s not about filling her shoes but wearing my own.
(Why have I been using so many illustrations lately involving shoes???)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have re-added the Comment area to my blog if you feel the need to drop me a line or comment on the blog. Feel free to express yourself... you won’t hurt my feelings. I can always delete it!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I've Got Nothing For You
This is the worst time of year. Seriously. How could anyone like it?
Bad, dangerous, cold weather. No football. No baseball. No flowers. Nothing is green. Snow is grey. The flu and colds are rampant. Clothes are layered. Gloves go missing. Kids are stir-crazy. Movies are awful. Vacation are a dream.
Need I say more?
I tried to look for something that was positive about this time of year...didn’t find one.
Bad, dangerous, cold weather. No football. No baseball. No flowers. Nothing is green. Snow is grey. The flu and colds are rampant. Clothes are layered. Gloves go missing. Kids are stir-crazy. Movies are awful. Vacation are a dream.
Need I say more?
I tried to look for something that was positive about this time of year...didn’t find one.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's Just A Little Complicated
You make one small change to your Facebook profile and everyone notices.
I changed my status from "single" to "complicated". I am not even sure I had put "single" initially - I might have left it blank. Well, the other night my connection was a little faster than usual so I took the added speed and decided to update my profile on Facebook. (Mom, I will explain what Facebook is the next time I talk to you.)
I think I started to make it "single" but decided that wasn’t exactly true. I then looked for "Widowed" but that wasn’t a choice. I then saw they had a choice of "complicated". Now that seemed to fit in so many areas. You see, I am technically single. I am, however, not single. Single in my book means unattached in either a legal or emotional way. Yes, legally I am single. Emotionally, not so much. That struggle seems to make "complicated" a very good choice. Of course that doesn’t even take into account the feelings that are bubbling up that remind me that I must (at some point) move my life forward.
They don’t have "really complicated" as a choice.
I changed my status from "single" to "complicated". I am not even sure I had put "single" initially - I might have left it blank. Well, the other night my connection was a little faster than usual so I took the added speed and decided to update my profile on Facebook. (Mom, I will explain what Facebook is the next time I talk to you.)
I think I started to make it "single" but decided that wasn’t exactly true. I then looked for "Widowed" but that wasn’t a choice. I then saw they had a choice of "complicated". Now that seemed to fit in so many areas. You see, I am technically single. I am, however, not single. Single in my book means unattached in either a legal or emotional way. Yes, legally I am single. Emotionally, not so much. That struggle seems to make "complicated" a very good choice. Of course that doesn’t even take into account the feelings that are bubbling up that remind me that I must (at some point) move my life forward.
They don’t have "really complicated" as a choice.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
You Think I Have Problems?
The other night I had a conversation with a friend about my situation. (Begin Movie Voice Guy...."Previously on Life of Joe: His happy family is sideswiped when his wife is diagnosed with ovarian cancer only four months after the birth of their second child. Surgeries, hospital stays and 50 trips to a St. Louis hospital is no match to the ravages of cancer. He is thrust into the unknown life of raising a family, paying bills and doing laundry all the while keeping a job. His struggles, his pain, his life... only on THE LIFE OF JOE!")
We talked about "where I was at" regarding my psyche and emotions and regarding relationships. We concluded that I am screwed up. I didn’t take offense because I know it’s true. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t like that about me. But it’s understandable. It’s expected. It’s common. The problem is... it’s not me. It’s not the "me" of old. It is not something that I want to have to deal with for very long. I want it fixed - now!
We decided, and this may come as a shock to some of you, that I am in fact... human. GASP!! I know I am letting some of you down. But my foibles show that I am a normal human with normal emotions. I am in need of reinforcements to believe that my head will eventually get on straight. I’m not going to go into the details of that - but let me just say that I know some of the issues and have been thinking about them.
One of the issues has to do with me believing that I am, in fact, human, and therefore allowed to have some faults.
That’s not easy for Howerton males to accept!
We talked about "where I was at" regarding my psyche and emotions and regarding relationships. We concluded that I am screwed up. I didn’t take offense because I know it’s true. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t like that about me. But it’s understandable. It’s expected. It’s common. The problem is... it’s not me. It’s not the "me" of old. It is not something that I want to have to deal with for very long. I want it fixed - now!
We decided, and this may come as a shock to some of you, that I am in fact... human. GASP!! I know I am letting some of you down. But my foibles show that I am a normal human with normal emotions. I am in need of reinforcements to believe that my head will eventually get on straight. I’m not going to go into the details of that - but let me just say that I know some of the issues and have been thinking about them.
One of the issues has to do with me believing that I am, in fact, human, and therefore allowed to have some faults.
That’s not easy for Howerton males to accept!
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